Hi

[Joslil24]

Hello all I am new to the forum

my mum has mixed dementia and Alzheimer’s- she lives with my dad on their own - both are 85 - my dad is a diabetic and struggles with mobility - the last few weeks he has got very low and depressed - and I don’t know how to help him for the best - we do as much as we can to help and I am trying to get a drs appointment for him to see if they can help with medication

We are lucky that my mum has a large group of family that all pitch in - my sister is their main carer and goes round every day to wash mum and cook and clean for them both - my brother and I also go round each night to make sure they are eating I also sort health issues and appointments out and finances for them but my brother and I both need to work

I worry for my dad and sister because they are very low - my dad especially (well if truth be told we are all very low atm) I just don’t know what else we can do to help - I have suggested to my dad that we get a carer to help them but he doesn’t want that and neither does mum - mum is still there most of the time

This is such an awful disease and it puts a strain on the family to know how best to help

Does anyone have any tips more for my dad so he can cope better?

 

[Louise7]

Hello Joslil24, welcome to the forum. This is a friendly group where people are supportive and understand. It sounds as though your dad has now reached the point where things are getting too much for him, and your sister too, and it is impacting on their health. It must also be getting stressful for you and your brother, and it doesn't sound like anybody is getting a proper break from caring. There does come a time when what a person needs becomes more important than what they want, and I think you are at the stage where the family needs to think about getting extra support/carers involved whether your parents want it or not, especially as your dad has his own health problems. Continuing as you are is not going to be sustainable in the long term and you, your sister, and brother need to look after your own physical and mental health too.

Perhaps consider a respite break, with your mum going into a home for a few weeks to give your Dad and your sister a rest? If you haven't already done so, you could contact your local authority adult social care team to request a care needs assessment for your parents and a carers assessment for your sister (details in the link below). You might want to think about contacting Admiral Nurses too as they offer support to families. Hope this helps but you are not alone here and if sure that others will be along with advice/suggestions too.

The care needs assessment: support for people with dementia

This page looks at how a person with dementia can get a care assessment, who does an assessment, how they are carried out, who makes the decision, and tips for making the most of the care needs assessment. It also explains the eligibility criteria.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

What is an Admiral Nurse and how can they help?

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[canary]

Hello @Joslil24

Unfortunately the needs of someone with dementia just increases and increases. Eventually it will overpower your ability to meet them. I tried to care with doing everything myself without outside help and had carers breakdown - I dont recommend it. If you are not careful dementia will chew you up and spit you out

I think that you as a family have reached this stage and are being overwhelmed by your mums needs. Im afraid that the only way to cope is to get extra help. You and your sister have been amazing, but your mums needs are now so great that she needs outside help,

I know that neither your mum nor your dad want outside help and this is very common, especially in people of their generation. People with dementia when asked if they want something will almost always say no, because they cannot understand their true situation and cannot envisage what the change will be like. Spouses will frequently, and understandably, want to provide what the person with dementia wants. They are also regularly concerned about having "strangers" coming into their home.

After I reached carer breakdown my family sat down with me and talked things over. They persuaded me to get carers in and they were right. They have been an absolute godsend and have not been strangers for long. They are cheerful, get OH sorted out and although he wasnt keen to start with he has accepted them and actually rather looks forward to them coming. I also have someone to help me with housework and laundry through the Age UK Help at Home scheme and this might be a way for your parents to start