Hi Notwodaysthesame. I have also found the different coping strategies and the differences in the ability of different people (including myself) to to accept the situation a particularly difficult and confusing aspect of caring for a family member that is deteriorating. It is disorientating and isolating.
I found that a lot of the feelings of not being able to cope stem from the fear and resistance associated with being unable to accept the situation as it is.
I've been working on my own ability and willingness to accept all sub optimal situations (not just this one) as they are now for a couple of years, and thankfully it is starting to pay off. As this is a progressive and unpredictable condition, we will sadly have more and more difficulties to come to terms with as time goes on. My thoughts on this may not help you, but I thought if I was to share my experiences it might offer a little bit of reassurance or perhaps a seed of hope.
It began with me acknowledging that being unable or unwilling to accept a situation will not change it, it will certainly make it harder for me to do what is necessary to improve the situation, and will ultimately only cause me more suffering as the moments of 'peace' where I choose to distract myself or bury my head in denial are inevitably shattered at frequent and unpredictable intervals and having to re-live that initial shock and fear and all the other distressing emotions that are associated with each 'new' realisation where I am forced to face up to reality for a while, outweighed the benefit of the less troubling times where I was unable to hide from the truth.
Once that belief had solidified I started (with the guidance and help of a meditation teacher I met a few times online for brief 15 minute consultations) to spend a few minutes each day contemplating the quality of acceptance. I would sit and with my eyes closed whisper to myself or just say in my head that I am a person who accepts people and things as they are, and similar phrases like that. I would also think of other people that I admired, who I perceived to have this quality and picture them and spend time thinking about how their ability to accept things benefited them and others. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable to start with but with time I got used to it and it became a familiar and comforting practice that felt 'right' for me to do and very reassuring.
With time (months) I noticed a reduction in the strong feelings I had of wanting to escape the knowledge of and reality of certain adverse situations, and I began to notice those feelings for what they were and was able to view them more objectively rather than getting lost in them. My mind is clearer and I find it easier to focus on solutions or sensible thoughts rather than just panicking and seeking distractions or other forms of relief.
Now when I notice these feelings of resistance I can just say to the word "acceptance" a few times silently to myself and it creates a short cut to all those helpful contemplations and I feel instantly calmer and less fearful. It didn't happen over night and there are times I still struggle with thoughts of wanting to retreat into denial or escape certain situations, but it happens less often and I do feel more confident and in control now as a result.
I have also found that I am now better able to recognise when others are struggling to accept certain things, and understand their behaviour more easily, which I would have previously just found baffling and very distressing.
Are you able to articulate any particular aspects or ways in which you feel you are struggling to cope? Would you say there were any particular emotions or situations that particularly de-rail you, or are the practical aspects such as the time management, or prioritising bigger issues?
I find it helpful sometimes to go through the things that are bothering me most and try to identify what struggle would make the biggest difference if I could just 'crack it' or even just improve that issue temporarily in some small way if I know it is not something I will every fully resolve. Sometimes I need to talk this out with one or more people in order to get to that point, and for that I have found the helpline incredibly helpful as I get the feeling there is nothing I could say that they would not have heard or experienced before so I don't feel there is any risk of shocking or upsetting them which is a worry I always have in the back of my mind when talking to friends and family.