I just want to put some stuff down in writing to share. Its just great to be able to do it somewhere where at least ( i think) folks share something in common, and understand, having shared the same experiences, what happens to you when either you encounter alzheimers yourself, or attend to someone who has it. Why?, well i just cant relate directly to anyone i work with.. though they are sympathetic, understand and make all the right noises, its not what i want. In reality i really dont know what i want now. Time to stop and go back a few years? A cure for everything? To be able to live forever? To just switch off and let go? to be a smarter person..able to cope better with life? I dont have alzheimers, but a serious road accident in October 2004 broke my neck in three places. pic1 pic2 pic3 During that accident, my brain was stuffed into the back of my head.. brain bruising they call it. Miracles happen..and though i spent a month in a cage, bolted to my head, unconscious under morphine sedation, i survived and with some extreme effort i was able to return to work 4 months afterwards. But a result of the accident is short term memory loss. It varies from day to day.. and occurs without a conscious warning.. like in the middle of talking to someone the word i was going to say isn`t there, i cant see that coming.. its like a dead spot, without warning. I loose the names of things i deal with everyday, spurious and unlikely memory loss, such as the name of the place i am going to.. i have to get out the map to refresh my memory, even though i know where i am going , its name has gone.It does come back almost every time without help. Again, often it just bounces back later, like being pasted back in place. I deal with it. Being more methodical seems to help. I understand a little, therefore, what has happened to my mother, who has been overtaken by Alzheimers. That came to a turning point yesterday. We have been managing. My brother and i live in her house, maintain it, and a carer comes in everyday to make sure mother "was".. ok. What is ironic about that, is my mother spent her life up till she was seventy, ( she is now 76) in caring for others, as either a carer or as a manager of homes in our area. Most recently she cared for the first ( or one of the first, i cant be sure) UK woman doctor... Yesterday, she set fire to herself. An accident of course and fortunately both my brother and i were there to deal with it. She was in her bed (downstairs now) since she cant walk far, or climb stairs. I was upstairs, my brother downstairs cooking. I heard the fire alarm. I thought it was my brother.. smiles, we like oriental flash fried food. But a moment later.. i heard the panic and he called me. She had set fire to her bed and her arm and shoulder. My brothers quick action doused the flames with water from the washing up he was doing. Her cardigan had melted to her, she looked like someone had painted her with black gloss paint. Fortunately its not terminal. Though burned quite badly she will recover. She has had excellent attention in hospital, where she is right now. What is quite unerving is that she did not understand or feel what had happened, it is why it got to the point of setting off the fire alarm.. she was still smiling, totally pain free... and really didnt understand at all what had taken place. The result of this , is now things must change. My brother and i live in my mothers house.. but she will now need constant attention to be safe.. she cannot be left alone. What that means is maybe the house will go to pay for her upkeep.. if it does.. my brother and i will have to find somewhere to live.. and its just incredibly expensive here. Is that a selfish thing to say? i feel guilty considering it.. In one small moment her life and ours have changed. For the last two years we have kept the house going, enabling her to live in her own home.. she was happy , everything fitted everyone.. now nothing fits at all. At least thats how it seems to me. Additionally, since my own accident ive become much more emotional. I cry now, something that never touched me before. I dont feel depressed.. in the sense that i still will fight to overcome problems, look for and facilitate solutions... I am an engineer. a problem solver. It enabled me to overcome my own accident.. retake my driving test, all my work exams, since as a certificated engineer, others depend on me. My signature goes on the bottom of legal documents. I determine the safety of others. I just find myself being nostalgic, i just get very very sad and cry. Ive looked at solutions to that too.. hence the intial remark about switching off and letting go. What the hell are we all fighting for?. Where is the human race going? What`s our purpose? Where is the plan?, just cannot see one sometimes.. i feel lost. Now.. just reading that would make anyone depressed.. I am sorry.. i hope this doesnt turn anyone to seriously consider taking their own life. But.. having read some of the posts here.. i just see what some of you have encountered as similar to what i feel right now.. sharing those sentiments enables one to let them go for a while. Its why ive posted..just doing this helps me. Thanks. Incony.