I've survived the first week of OH being home from hospital. He always has been rather a loner, but I feel guilty that he does nothing and has no interests other than me !! I feel guilty that I rather enjoyed the last few weeks where I had time to myself and apart from visiting him, I could do what I liked. Now, I'm back to having to explain time and time again that I'm in the garden or upstairs doing the ironing when he shouts for me. He has nothing to take his mind off what I'm doing or where I am. He shows no interest in doing his exercises to improve his mobility. I'm hoping to go back to work for a couple of hours 3 times a week. Someone is coming in halfway through each time to make him lunch and see he's OK but I feel awful when I think of him just sitting there waiting or worse shouting out for me. Is there any tip anyone has. He's refused point blank to join any kind of organized activity. Should I just leave him to get on with it ?!!
Hi from Ernest. Motivating OH
- Thread starter Ernest
- Start date
I`m afraid I used to encourage my husband to be with me while I attended to chores @Ernest otherwise he was isolated and unable to occupy himself. He also forgot where I was or that I was still in the house and internally was quite afraid.
He would sit at the kitchen table and either watch or try to help. Everything took longer but I had the time even if I didn't`t always have the patience.
Its a different way of life, the life of a full time carer and it takes a lot of adjustment. It didn't take me long to realise that what I had thought of a normal life, or at least something approaching normality was no longer available.
We needed to accept a new normal.
He would sit at the kitchen table and either watch or try to help. Everything took longer but I had the time even if I didn't`t always have the patience.
Its a different way of life, the life of a full time carer and it takes a lot of adjustment. It didn't take me long to realise that what I had thought of a normal life, or at least something approaching normality was no longer available.
We needed to accept a new normal.
Hi ERnest,
MY OH will also sit in his chair for hours. He does not call for me or wonder where I am. Just sits. If I take him a cup of tea he seems quite pleased to see me. I do try to find things he can do, the other day he unravelled some garden twine, but he got little pleasure from the exercise even when I thanked him profusely. Like your OH, I also find he does not want to keep mobile. Today we went to our local forest, just a half hours walk around before lunch there. But within minutes he was complaining about back ache despite the fact that I gave him painkillers before leaving home. I try to make him do some walking every day on the use it or lose it basis. It is so worrying to see them sitting there doing absolutely nothing but perhaps we should not judge them by our standards. I just cannot sit and do nothing. Have been known to read, knit and watch tv at the same time.
I have found two days at the local day centre relieves the pressure and I hope he enjoys it although he can never tell me anything about his day. Suggest you keep trying on this score. I call it his lunch club. Perhaps you could use this idea to make sure your OH gets a lunch on your workdays.
MY OH will also sit in his chair for hours. He does not call for me or wonder where I am. Just sits. If I take him a cup of tea he seems quite pleased to see me. I do try to find things he can do, the other day he unravelled some garden twine, but he got little pleasure from the exercise even when I thanked him profusely. Like your OH, I also find he does not want to keep mobile. Today we went to our local forest, just a half hours walk around before lunch there. But within minutes he was complaining about back ache despite the fact that I gave him painkillers before leaving home. I try to make him do some walking every day on the use it or lose it basis. It is so worrying to see them sitting there doing absolutely nothing but perhaps we should not judge them by our standards. I just cannot sit and do nothing. Have been known to read, knit and watch tv at the same time.
I have found two days at the local day centre relieves the pressure and I hope he enjoys it although he can never tell me anything about his day. Suggest you keep trying on this score. I call it his lunch club. Perhaps you could use this idea to make sure your OH gets a lunch on your workdays.
I found my OH would sit for hours doing nothing, if left to his own devices. We found that daycare was a good solution. At least even if he was sitting there, he was being stimulated by the activity around him. I called it a ‘club’ too.
Thank you for all these replies. Very reassuring. As Rhubarbtree says I should stop judging him by my own standards. Its very hard though as I simply cannot sit around!
We've had a good day today. Gemma, my OH's carer, came today and I made myself scarce. She said she got him doing his mobility exercises. He is still is very resistant to any sort of club though.
We've had a good day today. Gemma, my OH's carer, came today and I made myself scarce. She said she got him doing his mobility exercises. He is still is very resistant to any sort of club though.
Hi Ernest
My OH has nothing he can do to keep himself entertained and is bored rigid although he likes films with not too much dialogue and will watch a DVD on his own sometimes. He often creeps around the house and draws the curtains (sometimes midday) or asks if he should lay the table (hours before we are due a meal) or - and this is so annoying - emptying the dishwasher of putting the dirty things away so I have to wash everything before using it. I think it is his way of filling his time. I would welcome him just sitting doing nothing for a time.
Does anyone else feel like a slave? I feel I have to do everything and at a rate of knots so that I can get chores finished before he comes creeping in demanding "what are we doing today?" "who is coming?" "are we going out?" etc etc
Like your OH, the idea of a club is a nightmare to him and he has never been a group sort of person and has always treated the need for a hobby as a failing - and now poor love he is hardly capable of anything - no concentration to read, can no longer paint - so sad.
My OH has nothing he can do to keep himself entertained and is bored rigid although he likes films with not too much dialogue and will watch a DVD on his own sometimes. He often creeps around the house and draws the curtains (sometimes midday) or asks if he should lay the table (hours before we are due a meal) or - and this is so annoying - emptying the dishwasher of putting the dirty things away so I have to wash everything before using it. I think it is his way of filling his time. I would welcome him just sitting doing nothing for a time.
Does anyone else feel like a slave? I feel I have to do everything and at a rate of knots so that I can get chores finished before he comes creeping in demanding "what are we doing today?" "who is coming?" "are we going out?" etc etc
Like your OH, the idea of a club is a nightmare to him and he has never been a group sort of person and has always treated the need for a hobby as a failing - and now poor love he is hardly capable of anything - no concentration to read, can no longer paint - so sad.
Lucianne I could have written your post about a year ago. Interfering with the dishes drove me mad. Finding dirty mugs in the cupboard and the things he would do with a tea towel!
I call myself the entertainment officer always having to think of reasons to go out and about. One of our jaunts took us to have a look at a day centre. I did not discuss or ask him if he wanted to go just presented it as a done deal. For the first year I drove him there and picked him up but now the bus comes and he seems to enjoy the fuss the helpers make of him. I must admit I was not happy about him going to the day centre or what I thought was happening there but it has been a lifesaver for me.
I call myself the entertainment officer always having to think of reasons to go out and about. One of our jaunts took us to have a look at a day centre. I did not discuss or ask him if he wanted to go just presented it as a done deal. For the first year I drove him there and picked him up but now the bus comes and he seems to enjoy the fuss the helpers make of him. I must admit I was not happy about him going to the day centre or what I thought was happening there but it has been a lifesaver for me.
Ernest
Would he watch the TV if you just put it on after breakfast say ? Would he be interested in any magazines or books at all ? I have to say that MOH will not attend any day care of any sort, we have never been the sort of couple who joined social clubs before. He is content to sit in a chair all day, but he plays hidden object games, keeps his brain active I suppose, other than that he has little interest in anything else. Lastly, don't feel guilty, we have all experienced these feelings, but really it's just part of being allowed a few precious days to yourself.
Would he watch the TV if you just put it on after breakfast say ? Would he be interested in any magazines or books at all ? I have to say that MOH will not attend any day care of any sort, we have never been the sort of couple who joined social clubs before. He is content to sit in a chair all day, but he plays hidden object games, keeps his brain active I suppose, other than that he has little interest in anything else. Lastly, don't feel guilty, we have all experienced these feelings, but really it's just part of being allowed a few precious days to yourself.
Thanks for the “lunch club” idea - I will use that! So that my OH goes - I offer to drop him up late - so he mostly goes for the lunch ! Doesn’t always enjoy it but I get that couple of hours to stop being anxious ! Ta
Also there are a number of photo albums around that he does look through when I’m not about - I see they have moved- and one little novel with pictures in it - that he Re reads ! In between I get our dog to sit with him!
