where to start? My beautiful wee mum went into full time residential care prematurely a year and half ago as I was very unwell myself so was unable to carry on caring for her. To say our hearts were completely broken is the understatement of the century. See, my partner of 35 years had left me Xmas 2021 , the love of my life , as I struggled with workplace bullying, working full time shifts at care home for adults with learning dissabilities. Then due to the bullying, I had to temporarily leave my work and start another job I hated all through covid, working in the community, with no ppe to start with, cancelling all mums homecare for fear of them passing it onto her, her being completely isolated with her dementia apart from me trying to juggle care for her and hold my relationship together and battle through terrible depression anxiety and menopause. No children and only sibling lives 400 miles away and is not near as close to mum as I am. My partner was furloughed and was drinking more and more, and we were arguing so much when all I needed was a loving cuddle and reassurance . Mum then fell in her house ( dad deceased 15 years)and asked me to move in which I did in a knee jerk reaction , so there I was , out of my 30 year workplace with little to no support from certain colleagues, forced into another awful job all through covid, trying desperately to deal with my depression, and the never ending stress of delayed bullying hearing, knowing my relationship was crumbling, and trying to be everything for my beautiful wee mum and her confusion, suspicion, fear , completely on my own ..it was just the absolute worse time of my life and my life has continued to desperately spiral out of control. In the midst of trying to keep mum feeling loved and safe , I tried so hard to protect her from my breakup. I begged my ex on my knees to please reconsider to please try see how difficult my life was ,he was, and still is the love of my life but it all ended so acrimonious, I was plunged into the worst depression of my life and I practically gave him everything from our beautiful home as I couldn't function through the breakup. I lost him, his family, pur shared friends, my place in society... It became so acrimonious on his side , I'm trying to care for mum but neglecting her terribly as I tried to pursue my love so pathetically....but he had another love , the woman who I knew had always fancied him, ......I'm such a bad partner to have taken him for granted, I just hope she is everything to him that I was not....
when mum had to go into emergency permanent care, there was no preparation . She was with me one day , gone the next . The fallout from this separation on both of us was absolutely catastrophic and to know that social work had to make an emergency intervention just sent me way over the edge.
When i would visit , we would both crumble in a heap of uncontrollable sobbing ,absolute profound outpouring of complete devastation , and then I would get her in the car , I often thought of ramming us both at 100 mph into a wall. I wanted to die with my angel mum, us both together at the same time . How could i explain? She could not understand ! This was now her life an ensuite bedroom in a large institution with other terribly sick individials far from her own town, whom she would never have chosen to be with and vice versa. How the human mind ever comes to terms with this i will never understand....
So now I live completely alone , and struggle desperately to visit mum as I never get a break from being the one and only child. I am so weak myself , and I NEED my mum! How bad is that ? I know the roles are reversed now and having no kids, she is like my child but it's all far too much . And the guilt , shame complete and utter selfishness of me feeling this way cripples me . I've since lost my job through having outbursts and have no idea what the future holds. Thankfully I had purchased my mums house years ago so live here now but it's falling to bits and I have little funds or inclination or skills to tackle anything. My hero, my wee mum appears more accepting, settled now after 1 and half years thank god, but as we all know, no-one in their right minds would ever choose to live in a nursing home. She is desperately ill with the most horrific disease. And all us love ones can do is try to be absolutely every
to them in the wee hours that we spend with them. But in being POA, making every decisi9n, choice for them, its heartbreaking right ? Mum can't decide whether she wants a drink or not, it kills me , my voice is trembling with such sad emotion when talking with her. Her mobility is bad now and she talks all gobeldy goop, but we just go along with it ofcourse. I wish I had my sister to go with me yo the visits now and again, for her to make all the decisions, phonecalls, trips to the toilet, comforting, conversation, soothing, ressuranc3, reminiscing, entertaining, tucking in , think8ng 3very 2nd day what to cook for her, buy her, check her drawers fir soiled underwear, drive the 15 miles round trip prepare yourself for the nursing home smells , the aimlessly wandering residents up and down the corridors, the young inexperienced staff god bless them, the worry that she is not being abused, ignored, day in day out....sorry , this would never happen at her unit but I would be a robot not yo havd this pass my mind...
I just feel the misery never ends . Ofcourse some days are better than others for us both , but it's always with us right? And all we have in the future is more sadness ahead .
Ive already been fir a memory test with my psychiatrist. It wasn't as good as they hoped. It's all through mums side of family. Do others feel their lives are in limbo until their loved one passes? I would love to have a soul mate again but cannot commit any investment to a relationship as mum is number 1 .
This makes me very sad and resentful, not ever towards my beautiful mother but the dementia.
So much more I could say but I have given too much away already ! Sorry for boring everyone but it's been so therapeutic just pitting thoughts to paper.
when mum had to go into emergency permanent care, there was no preparation . She was with me one day , gone the next . The fallout from this separation on both of us was absolutely catastrophic and to know that social work had to make an emergency intervention just sent me way over the edge.
When i would visit , we would both crumble in a heap of uncontrollable sobbing ,absolute profound outpouring of complete devastation , and then I would get her in the car , I often thought of ramming us both at 100 mph into a wall. I wanted to die with my angel mum, us both together at the same time . How could i explain? She could not understand ! This was now her life an ensuite bedroom in a large institution with other terribly sick individials far from her own town, whom she would never have chosen to be with and vice versa. How the human mind ever comes to terms with this i will never understand....
So now I live completely alone , and struggle desperately to visit mum as I never get a break from being the one and only child. I am so weak myself , and I NEED my mum! How bad is that ? I know the roles are reversed now and having no kids, she is like my child but it's all far too much . And the guilt , shame complete and utter selfishness of me feeling this way cripples me . I've since lost my job through having outbursts and have no idea what the future holds. Thankfully I had purchased my mums house years ago so live here now but it's falling to bits and I have little funds or inclination or skills to tackle anything. My hero, my wee mum appears more accepting, settled now after 1 and half years thank god, but as we all know, no-one in their right minds would ever choose to live in a nursing home. She is desperately ill with the most horrific disease. And all us love ones can do is try to be absolutely every
to them in the wee hours that we spend with them. But in being POA, making every decisi9n, choice for them, its heartbreaking right ? Mum can't decide whether she wants a drink or not, it kills me , my voice is trembling with such sad emotion when talking with her. Her mobility is bad now and she talks all gobeldy goop, but we just go along with it ofcourse. I wish I had my sister to go with me yo the visits now and again, for her to make all the decisions, phonecalls, trips to the toilet, comforting, conversation, soothing, ressuranc3, reminiscing, entertaining, tucking in , think8ng 3very 2nd day what to cook for her, buy her, check her drawers fir soiled underwear, drive the 15 miles round trip prepare yourself for the nursing home smells , the aimlessly wandering residents up and down the corridors, the young inexperienced staff god bless them, the worry that she is not being abused, ignored, day in day out....sorry , this would never happen at her unit but I would be a robot not yo havd this pass my mind...
I just feel the misery never ends . Ofcourse some days are better than others for us both , but it's always with us right? And all we have in the future is more sadness ahead .
Ive already been fir a memory test with my psychiatrist. It wasn't as good as they hoped. It's all through mums side of family. Do others feel their lives are in limbo until their loved one passes? I would love to have a soul mate again but cannot commit any investment to a relationship as mum is number 1 .
This makes me very sad and resentful, not ever towards my beautiful mother but the dementia.
So much more I could say but I have given too much away already ! Sorry for boring everyone but it's been so therapeutic just pitting thoughts to paper.
