hi first message..bad one

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by intensityp, Aug 16, 2006.

  1. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    my mum was 54 when dad retired at 65 and alzheimers set in with a vengeance, 4 years later he is in the late stages and mum is in turmoil being his main carer and still loving him so much.. my dad has gone from my hero, my friend, a constant joker and a very proud and handsome man to someone unrecognisable and I am and his other children and the grandchildren he adored unrecognisable to him... I wish he were dead because I know he would hate to be him now.. is this a normal feeling?
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Welcome to TP.

    Unfortunately, although I'm sure not everyone feels this way, I think most of us have had occasions where we've thought that, even if we haven't said it (although I have). Speaking only from personal experience I know my Mother would (and does) hate what's happened to her - in many discussions in the past she was quite clear that she'd rather die than lose her marbles. Some days are worse than others, but I have tried (with occasional success) to consider dementia as a way of softening the blow when she eventually dies, because, for all intent and purposes those things that made her what she was have already gone. For her, is really will be a blessed relief.

    Just my very personal view

  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi intensityp and welcome to TP.

    I didn't think I would ever come to think this about Dad, (apart from perhaps when he was in real pain, or unable to eat or breath properly), but nowadays when I see how he is, and how my Mum is having to watch him deteriorate, I have to admit I have had the same thoughts at times. Perhaps it is different from a daughter's perspective because we see both our parent's pain.

    Your Dad sounds exactly like mine used to be, although mine is a lot older and now in an EMI nursing home. When people say 'late stages' it is difficult to gauge exactly, but it doesn't make much difference to how we feel about AD, whatever stage. I also feel anger about losing such a special person in this way. I do try to think of all the good times we used to have and sometimes his unique chuckle will pop into my head, or I get that feeling of calm that he emanated, and that gives me some comfort.

    Does your Mum have any breaks from caring? I'm glad you found TP where you will get lots of support.

    Best wishes,
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex

    Yes, I have sometimes felt that way too, but one of the many agonies with this cruel disease is that sometimes, when we least expect it, a little part of the person they were comes through.

    Maybe a look or a movement or word, but in that instant you know your loved one is still there.

    These moments are bittersweet, they lift your heart and yet, when gone, crush them again.

    I think in some ways the relatives have a tough a time as the sufferer. Mum at 75is in the later stages and seems to live in a bubble of her own, mostly happy, these are the times I want her to live for ever.

    When she is sad and lost and lonely, I sometimes want her to be with Dad again, but at least we still have her and can hold her hand and talk to her of all the happy times we have had, memories that are new to her, telling her her life story as seen through the eyes of one of her children.

    Hopefully this is as comforting to Mum as it is theraputic to me.

    Take care of yourself and your Mum, she must be going through hell at the moment, watching her husband going through something no-one deserves to go through.

    Thinking of you

  5. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I never wished my mother dead because she never reached the later stages.

    She wished herself dead, far too often, even before this last illness.
  6. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    Hi and welcome to TP, INTENSITYP.....you have found a fab place

    No, I have never wished my dad dead, but my husband often says he hopes my dad dies before he gets to the stage where he loses control physically or even can't speak anymore as he knows what this would do to me to see him that way and he knows my proud, wonderful, full-of-fun dad woud have hated to be like that.

  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Intensityp,

    Yes, I would say it is normal in the context of this cruel disease. Don't beat yourself up about feeling that way, don't let the guilt-monster sit on your shoulders and make things harder than they are already. I'm sure you are only expressing what your Dad would say himself, if he were able to comprehend the whole awful situation. Perhaps it's as well he can't do that himself now.

    Hugs & understanding readily available here, don't be afraid to express 'awful' thoughts which may seem to be socially unacceptable.
    AD is a socially unacceptable disease & situation to live with. One of those "you don't know until you've been there" things.
  8. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    hi intensityp. i think i wished my dad dead quite a few times. but only wishing him dead because i didn't want him to be in that sort of misery anymore, and i couldn't see any other way out of it. if him getting well again were an option i'd have wished for that instead ......... as i guess most of us would.

    don't feel bad about the feelings you have. we don't get to chose our feelings. things happen and we feel what we feel. the choice comes in how we act on those feelings (or not)

    welcome to TP
  9. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello intensityp

    like everyone ive also had those thoughts, perhaps she'd be better off.....
    my mum had a heart attack two years ago and they told us she was severly brain damaged and wouldnt live i prayed so hard then for a miracle that she would survive night after night in ICU well we got our prayers answered and she got well but with short term memory loss.
    she was fine up untill a year ago when things went downhill fast, she's now in a wheelchair, hardly speaks and is very depressed but she said to my dad a few days ago, "i dont want to die" which really shocked me as i thought she really wasnt that aware of what 's happening to her.
    so now i dont know what to think,
    but dont feel guilty for the thoughts, they are a natural reaction to seeing someone you love going through a terrible illness

    take care
  10. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi intensityp

    Lots of people have already expressed themselves far better than I can on this ...

    Just wanted to say 'welcome to TP' - and if it helps to share that I felt exactly the same when my dad was terminally ill some years ago - confess it wasn't solely out of compassion for him - I couldn't bear to see what he had become. As time has passed I barely think of him as he was in 'latter days' - he's back to being my number one hero of all time even though I can't tell him that anymore.....

    I think anything is 'normal' in this abnormal situation,.....go easy on yourself....

    Love Karen (TF), x

    (And of course, keep posting).
  11. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    thank you

    thank you all for your kind messages, you don't know how much it means to me! I get depressed days through all of this which my former post displays...... I have angry days too..... I have sad days..... always only happy moments with my dad very fleeting
    days I want to run away
    days i want to shake him back
    days i want to wallow in self pity
    days i want to hold on to him
    most of the days I just want to see the lost and tired look on my mums face disappear and be replaced with calm and happiness
  12. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006

    Yep....I can relate to ALL of that !!!

  13. jakky

    jakky Registered User

    Jan 30, 2006
    Hi intensityp

    yeah, me to.....been there!!
    wanted to say hi, welcome to "TP family" and keep strong, positive and keep ya chin up.....

    take care

  14. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    #14 rummy, Aug 17, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2006
    Hi and welcome !
    I think we care givers go through stages just like the AD sufferer does. I found the middle and late middle stages the hardest to tolerate. My Mom is in late stage now and in a nursing home. She still knows me and my Dad but has trouble putting who everyone else is together. I expect that we will dissapear from her memory next and I am trying to be prepared for that.
    At any rate, this has been my experience.
    EARLY AD THEM: denial, anger, confusion
    US: denial,anger,confusion,
    MIDDLE STAGE THEM: anger, confusion, impatience, saddness, dread
    US: anger, confusion, impatience, saddness, dread
    LATE STAGE THEM: lost, living only in the moment, acceptance, enjoying only
    life's little gifts, a smile, a nod, a hug, etc
    US: lost ( because we have to learn to live without them)
    , living only in the moment(because that is all they
    are aware of), saddness ( at where they are now),
    acceptance ( because there is no
    other choice, the fight is lost), enjoying only life's little
    gift's ( because now we find joy in the smallest of things
    with them,a smile, a nod, a hug)

    Try not to look too far ahead. You will adapt, change and grow accustomed to life with your loved one at the stage they are at. I know my whole Mom wouldn't want this for herself, but she is still here and I will make it count. I know you will make the best of it too as you obviously love your Dad very much.

    Take care,
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #15 Margarita, Aug 17, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2006
    yes because as it seem we all felt like that , or feel like that but now for me am going to share with you all now I feel 4 years on .

    How I cope now the stage I am in with my mother.

    Acceptance yes but the only way I can accept it now I do not wish my mother dead, because my mother to me is dead she died four years ago long with my father .

    I am not going to tormenting myself anymore .seeing my mother have those days of as if she is back to normal is like the resurrection of a dead person coming alive again, so like Kathy said

    My father is six foot under what I would not give to have him back, even if like my mother.( Selfish of me ) Death as in 6 foot in the grave is to final for me. I am not read to let go of my mother no matter how much stress it put me under see her like this , because I know my mother does not want to Die and join my dad six foot under .

    Like DCM said, her mother does not want to die nor does mine. Even as we see then disappeared compared to the person they was.
  16. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    late stages

    thank you all again for your lovely replies... my dad is in the later stages, he deteriorated very rapidly because the help wasn't there despite begging... he is in a day center 3 days a week and the nurses there are so saddened that he didnt get there years ago as they could have helped him greatly.
    He forgot who I was about a year ago ( although I accept it typing this out has me in tears again), i have a son aged 3 and a daughter aged 9 so my help tp my mum is limited as sometimes dad gets irritated at a boisterous boy and could harm him, ultimately my son is scared of him now
    Dad talks to imaginary people gibberish... he is incontinent at times and still has some mood swings.. he gets lost inside his own house.. mum has to guide him back to bed.. change sheets.. turn off all the lights in the house, regularly each night.his mobility has got so much worse.. stumbling all the time..stairs a real problem.
    My mum has very high blood pressure and is a martyr to the end but I really fear for her health as i know she is depressed and lost...lost like my dad maybe.. probably in a vain attempt to find him again
  17. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006

    he sleeps alot during the day...sooo tired when not in a mood... is this part of it?

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