… myself and my daughter were looking after mum everyday for 18 months as she was in her own home. She never wanted to go into a care home and she made me promise I would never let that happen. One morning she’d had a fall and ended up in hospital where she deteriorated and started talking to the hospital curtains etc. Myself and my brother wanted her bs k home with carers but were told evenings were difficult. As there are 4 of us I naively thought that we could set up a roster to take it in turns to care for mum along with carers. The 2 siblings did not want to do it as they said they weren’t carers and wanted mum put into a home. I found this extremely hard and I felt/feel terribly guilty that I could not keep that promise. Yes mum is in a home and the carers are lovely and kind. The food, looks disgusting and mum sometimes won’t eat it (don’t blame her). Initially when we went to view they said they had lots of activities and days out but mum hasn’t been anywhere other than the dementia club. I miss her being in her home which is just around the corner to me, and I miss taking her to garden centres and out for a coffee or to the park to feed the ducks. She has become aggressive but has now been put on Risperidone and an antidepressant which has helped calm her down. She was always a lovely mum and still is akthough its very different now and I cry 90.% of the time coming out of the home. I feel so sad. I feel I’ve let her down. I feel so guilty that she is in a home and it’s torture. I’m battling cancer myself but I’d rather be looking after her at home. I miss the times when we used to sit in the garden as a family with my dad cooking a bbq, helping with salads and mum fiddling around making sure we all had everything. Even now with advanced dementia she always thinks of us first. It’s hard to cope with at times and I know she’ll only get worse. I love my lovely little mum ❤️
Hi everyone my name is Dawn. My mum was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago. Myself and my daughter were looking after mum everyday.
- Thread starter dawnpt
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You’ve not let your mum down, and if it wasn’t for this awful disease, she would tell you that you’ve done an amazing job taking care of her. Ask the care home if you can take her out for coffee or something nice she would have enjoyed. Someone else has taken over her daily care and you can have the pleasure of her company doing something you enjoyed in the past together.
Of course you miss your lovely little mum @dawnpt , you are missing those special family times, but you can still treasure them in your heart. Your post really connected with me. It’s a very emotional time for you as you grieve for times gone by and the person your mum used to be. But you can still see glimmers there, of her care for you.
Now you can focus on getting well yourself and spending time with your mum as her daughter, not her carer. As others have suggested, I am sure you can arrange little outings, or sitting in the care home gardens if available. You could also take in some treats for mum to enjoy, maybe her favourite cake to share over a cup of tea.
Now you can focus on getting well yourself and spending time with your mum as her daughter, not her carer. As others have suggested, I am sure you can arrange little outings, or sitting in the care home gardens if available. You could also take in some treats for mum to enjoy, maybe her favourite cake to share over a cup of tea.
The promise you made not to place your Mum in a care home, you made with love and you meant it. That was what your Mum needed to hear at the time. It gave her peace and security for as long as she would have remembered it.
Recognising that your Mum’s care needs eventually outstripped what could be provided at home, was an act of courage on your part. You’ve acted with love and honour throughout. Now you can prioritise your cancer treatment, so that you can continue to support and advocate for her.
As the food in her care home is not palatable, maybe you could sometimes take her a small bowl of home-cooked food, some soup in a thermos flask, or her favourite snacks? My granny used to enjoy the little pots of chopped fruit in juice - nice and refreshing,
Recognising that your Mum’s care needs eventually outstripped what could be provided at home, was an act of courage on your part. You’ve acted with love and honour throughout. Now you can prioritise your cancer treatment, so that you can continue to support and advocate for her.
As the food in her care home is not palatable, maybe you could sometimes take her a small bowl of home-cooked food, some soup in a thermos flask, or her favourite snacks? My granny used to enjoy the little pots of chopped fruit in juice - nice and refreshing,
❤️ None of you have let your mum down. At the time you said it because you perhaps could cope but dementia creeps along to a point where it is incredibly hard for even professional carers to cope.
Anticipatory grief - grieving for someone who still is here, for the parts of life gone and that will not be. That is us too with our Dad and it is hard but you have each other and that might give you each the strength at times when you need it.
Food is an issue with Dad too although we suspect his teeth might be something to do with it. Someone suggested little pots of the fruit above and we do that too as they are small enough and soft enough with the fruit juice to them quite palatable.
Anticipatory grief - grieving for someone who still is here, for the parts of life gone and that will not be. That is us too with our Dad and it is hard but you have each other and that might give you each the strength at times when you need it.
Food is an issue with Dad too although we suspect his teeth might be something to do with it. Someone suggested little pots of the fruit above and we do that too as they are small enough and soft enough with the fruit juice to them quite palatable.
My Dad's teeth have all come loose and started falling out, because he forgets to clean his teeth and won't do anything the carers ask him to do. Therefore he's got horrendous gum disease and now his teeth are falling out. I think mouth issues are common in dementia, including oral thrush which can be due to a dry mouth (lack of drinking doesn't help) or medication side effects.
Hello @dawnpt and @Dave 55
Your love for your mum comes through so strongly.
i cared for mum for almost 2 years but she needed more help….but I now take home to her. I have made her room our ‘new home’. Me and my sister dont ‘visit’ - we go to ‘hang out with mum‘ as we would do at home. We often spend hours there. Eat some home cooked food or takeaway, watch some TV together, take a nap, chat to the other residents - the staff must think us mad……but it means we haven’t ‘put mum in a home’…..we’ve surrounded her with the care she needs ….and we‘re there too as we would be at home.
Your love for your mum comes through so strongly.
i cared for mum for almost 2 years but she needed more help….but I now take home to her. I have made her room our ‘new home’. Me and my sister dont ‘visit’ - we go to ‘hang out with mum‘ as we would do at home. We often spend hours there. Eat some home cooked food or takeaway, watch some TV together, take a nap, chat to the other residents - the staff must think us mad……but it means we haven’t ‘put mum in a home’…..we’ve surrounded her with the care she needs ….and we‘re there too as we would be at home.
❤️ It is hard to get dental care even on the simplest level of brushing. Dad hadn't been the dentist for years , even dentures need some care.
Thank you for your post. My brother David and I have 2 other siblings that are not bothered and have wanted mum in a home for years. If I wasn’t battling cancer I’d still be looking after mum although I think it would be hard as her mobility is poor now as the carers don’t get her up enough to walk. We see mum all the time. I’m not far so always at the home but sometimes she’s aggressive verbally and other times she’s great. Yesterday she was quiet and didn’t talk and when I said I was going she said good. It’s lovely you can do that, it sounds amazing xxxx
Our mum has false teeth but has not worn them
Since being in the home. Everyday she woukd west them and wouldn’t be seen without them. We’ve asked the carers why she isn’t wearing them but they say we can’t force her. I think she’s now forgetting about it but the food is such that if she chews a piece of beef it goes around in her mouth like clothes in a washing machine. She just chewed and chews, then gives up. And you’re right the dementia does creep along. Mum is 89 now but this time last year she was cutting her own grass and making coffee and really mobile. Hope your dad is ok. I hate the fact of thinking mum is suffering with this disease. Xx
💗 Thank You. He is as okay as he can be... He was very active until about five years ago , it is sad to see someone change so much.
It is so sad. I just want to pick mum up and bring her home. I hate her being in a home. Xx
You did everything you could to look after your mother, and that's important. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions in the best interests of our loved ones. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to accept help and support from others, especially during your own battle with illness. Your mother knows that you love her and your concern for her will always remain in her heart.
You sound like you’ve done everything you could for your Mum, but there comes a time when home isn’t the best place. My friends husband is in a care home that has really good food but she takes buts of his favourite things to every visit, could you do that for your Mum. I’m not trying to defend your siblings but not everyone is cut out to do it and I’d say it’s better not to do it if it’s not going to be done well. I’ve not been there but many people on here do say their loved ones settle, even start to enjoy it. Good luck, don’t be too hard on yourself.
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