Here we go again

[KerryH]

After settling into a new ch with her beloved cat with her, we thought at last some normality back in our lives. Today though, got a call from the home - it was mum, she said she has good news. She's seen a Dr who says she can go home. So can I collect her now. Her house is sold and she's been in hospital and care for almost 6 months. I played along with it and said I'd speak to the Dr tomorrow. She then said not to bother and she'll find someone who can help her. Aaaahhhhh


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[Slugsta]

Oh dear!

 

[Shedrech]

Hi KerryH
breath in deeply ...... and let it out slowly ...........

we can't do right for doing wrong - or is that the other way round

 

[tigerlady]

Did you check with the care home that she really did see a doctor who said she could go home? It seems very strange that a doctor should say that to a person with dementia, who has been in a care home for 6 months.

 

[Beate]

I'm pretty sure KerryH is aware this is all in her Mum's mind! It's still upsetting but you did the right thing, playing along.

 

[ellejay]

Oh Kerry, I know that feeling. In mums early CH days, she would report to me all these conversations she'd had with the " Girls who work here" Without exception they all were amazed as to why she had to be there.

Goodness, they all agreed I was wrong to say she needed to be there, and when I did the " Doctor said it's best until you are stronger" I got both barrels because she'd not seen a doctor for years and had definitely never been in hospital.

It's so hard, but hang in there, blame anyone else you can think of ( I blamed the Council ) It will get better.

Lin x

 

[tigerlady]

Yes - sorry - I realise that now I have re-read the post - but I did wonder if a doctor had called at the home and her mums imagination did the rest.

 

[KerryH]

No tigerlady it's all in her mind. She even thinks she used to work with the care home manager! Saying she didn't like him then and doesn't like him now!! I really thought being in care would take all the stress away but it's not the case at all.


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[Amy in the US]

It could get better

Kerry, I wanted to respond. A little over a year ago my mother went into a care home after being sectioned (2 weeks in hospital) after a crisis.

I was very very stressed by the sectioning and the move to the care home but also, like you, thought that things would get better.

A year on, things HAVE got better, a lot better, and I know now this was absolutely the right thing to do (well, I knew it all along, I just understand it better now).

But before the stress got better, it was just as bad, but in a different way.

True, I no longer had to worry about my mother burning down the house or getting in her car and killing someone or not eating or making herself ill by taking the wrong medications or any of the other things I'd worried about for such a long time. She was safe, looked after, fed, warm, got her proper medicines, and had company 24/7 if she wanted it.

We would get phone calls, lots and lots of phone calls, and they were all agitated/upset/confused/all of the above phone calls. Why am I here, why have you done this to me you ungrateful (unprintable) no daughter of mine, I'm at work so please come and get me, I can't find my car, I want to go home, I can't work the phone (then HOW ARE YOU CALLING ME?), I can't work the telly, I hate you, I love you, I want to go home, there's nothing wrong with me, I haven't seen a doctor, they ignore me, I haven't eaten for days, I haven't seen a doctor, I saw a doctor but didn't agree with him, they are trying to poison me, it just goes on and on.

Often we would get a string of calls in a row. In addition to Alzheimer's, my mother has no short term memory to speak of, so she couldn't remember that she had just called us.

We got voicemail instead of an answerphone/answering machine, so I wouldn't have to hear her voice when she left messages. We got caller ID so we would know it was her calling. For a while, I would cry every time the phone rang. I learned to not answer the calls, but it was hard.

Gradually they got better and have almost stopped completely. I think it's been at least a few months since the last unpleasant voice mail, or the last phone call at all, in fact.

So I am hoping that like my mother, your mum will continue to settle and you won't have to be distressed by this sort of thing.

Best wishes to you.

 

[canary]

Does your mum have her own phone there Kerry? If the calls continue, perhaps it might get broken and have to be repaired?

 

[Witzend]

Does your mum have her own phone there Kerry? If the calls continue, perhaps it might get broken and have to be repaired?

I would echo that. Before she went into her CH my mother was phoning constantly, mostly to my brother. He was frequently getting 30 calls in just one hour.

For this reason we said a very firm 'no' to a phone in her room - my poor brother really couldn't take any more.

For the first couple of weeks she would often ask staff to 'ring my son', but except for once or twice a day, they would pretend to call and then tell her he was out or it was engaged.

However, we were amazed at how quickly she forgot about phoning altogether. It took only a very few weeks.

 

[Quilty]

My Mum would phone in the middle of the night thinking it was daytime. When she moved to the care home I was very firm that she had no phone in her room and no mobile either. She was able to get the staff to phone for her when she wanted. I saw her everyday so they were usually able to put he off - your daughter will be in later.

For me this was a huge difference. I was no longer feeling sick every time the phone rang and able to sleep. If you take the phone access away the staff will be able to reassure her and calm her.

 

[ellejay]

Same here with the phone. I think that was the worst time, constant phone calls day & night. If I didn't answer, the answering machine would be full. Sometimes mum would be re dialling while she was talking to me on the phone, so it was really automatic.

When mum first went into the CH she would ask me to get her a phone & I would agree " Oh yes, next time" . She asked for a few weeks, but then stopped.

Lin x