Helping Mum....and Dad sleep!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by mandyp, Nov 24, 2004.

  1. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Actually my title isn't exactly right, Mum seems to sleep just fine, it's my poor Dad that isn't getting a lot of sleep.

    Mum hasn't got up during the night for a couple of weeks, but she is talking/shouting a lot during the night. Dad had asked her if it was okay if he slept a couple of nights in the spare room, but she's frightened to be alone. She also snores very loudly, but we think this is more to do with her weight than AD.

    Is anyone aware of anything that may help her to have a better sleep.....she doesn't seem to be aware that she's waking up and shouting etc... I wondered if there was something herbal that may help....Dad is exhausted and since his health isn't great either I don't want him to go into any kind of decline.

    They were away for the weekend and Dad said he barely slept all weekend. Actually that brings me to another problem....Dad is spending money on Mum like it's going out of fashion. I fully appreciate that he's trying to do as much as possible with her while he still can, but I worry that he's spending too much. Their house is badly needing work done on it and he won't address this.....he's of the opinion that ultimately it'll pay for Mum's care and would rather not bother and spend money on taking Mum out/away for weekends etc.....I would love to get their house fixed but I don't have the money and I'm not sure he'd let me if I could, I worry he's getting himself into debt.

    Also if anyone is aware of a 'snoring' remedy that would also be great.

    Thanks a lot for any help/advice

    Mandy
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Mandy

    Sorry to hear of your worries.

    I can't help on the sleeping side, but I know that when my wife Jan was at home - and since she has been at her care home - I did virtually nothing to the house in the way of maintenance.

    Besides it being an additional burden of worry, it all seems a bit irrelevant when your loved one is in such a bad way. Logic doesn't come into it. I imagine Dad is using the "it'll all go to the cost of care eventually" line because everyone will understand that and it will take the pressure off him. Inside, he won't actually give a toss at present about the fabric of the house.

    I'm reaping the burden of my neglect of my/our house at present, with leaking roof, poor decorative state, etc. I've spent a fortune the past six months trying to get it back together.

    So I have no answers on that side either!

    I spent a great amount of money on Jan, buying her things she probably never even registered. One gets so desperate to do something - anything - for them, you see.

    Best wishes
     
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    #3 Norman, Nov 24, 2004
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2004
    Hi Mandy
    I am having problems with the sleeping,and early waking.
    My wife wants to get to bed early and then wakes in the night and early morning.
    I try, not always succesfully to keep her up later,ths is difficult as she is not interested in TV,reading or anything really but it seems to work,she sleeps longer.
    Dad should try keeping her up later it may work.
    I have noticed that my wife snores sometimes and makes funny little noises,which she never did before,don't know the answer to that one.
    Regarding spending money,what the hell,I have spent a stack of money on the house,if I pop off first it will benifit Peg in a round about way.
    I also buy anything I can which I think will give her pleasure,flowers,chocolates in fact anything.She won't remember any of it in a short time but you will hear me preaching day to day tomorrow will be better,and that's what we have to live for now.
    Hope this has helped a little
    all best wishes
    Norman
     
  4. City Claire

    City Claire Registered User

    Nov 1, 2004
    36
    Oxford
    Hi Mandy

    I'm sorry to hear about the probs your Mum and Dad are having sleeping - I'm afraid I don't have much practical help to offer. Have you tried finding snoring solutions on the internet using a search engine? It might throw something up.

    A tiny bit of light relief maybe - my Dad used to sing in his sleep at one point, I'm not quite sure how much Mum appreciated being serenaded in the early hours, but it did make us smile.

    Claire
    xxx
     
  5. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Hi

    thanks for your replies!

    I understand Dad spending a ton of money on Mum, right now she's aware most of the time, but it does worry me in the long term. Their kitchen is falling to bits and I would love to buy a new one.....sadly I just can't afford it.

    I did do a google to find something to help with sleep, but thought that half the stuff probably didn't work....sorry I tend to be a little cynical.

    I also buy her lunch/tops etc.... but I worry that Dad might suffer in the long term (by being totally skint and up to his eyes in it). I have booked them a weekend away in January and I normally wouldn't spend that amount of money on their Christmas present, so I shouldn't entirely blame him for doing this. I just can't help feeling he's going overboard. They had planned to go away with friends for Dad's 60th next November and are now going to bring that forward. I know she will become less aware as time goes on, but I don't want Dad to get too impractical, he has to think of himself too.

    At the moment, he's only concerned with his lack of sleep!

    Mandy
     
  6. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    I agree with Norman's regarding sleep. The irregular sleep pattern seems very common and keeps poping up on the board.

    My dad tends to drop of early so mum does everthing she can to keep him awake. Light snack, drinks .... all part of a routine that keeps him awake as long as possible.

    Sleeping pills may help (see his doctor first!) but they aren't really a long term solution.

    Kind regards
    Craig
     
  7. Anne54

    Anne54 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2004
    147
    Nottingham
    Dear Mandy
    Camomile tea, it is relaxing but make sure the one you bye actually has camomile in it some say it on the front but when you read the ingredients list they have very little in them, I drink it with a little honey.
    The plasters that runners use to keep their nostrils open help with snoring, when I have a cold I snore but they do make the skin sore after a few nights.
    Anne
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Mandy, it's a long shot, but I had some of this with Mum. She was already attending a lunch club at Crossroads and her Social Worker told me that Crossroads would do a night sit. I tried it, at first she was a bit "iffy" but the girl was lovely, Mum got to look forward to her visits. It gave me a night when I could switch off. Obviously your Dad would need to sleep in another room, but the Crossroads girl could sit in with your Mum, at least until she went to sleep. We had a baby alarm and the girl would have it with her and go to Mum, just the same as I did the other nights. It's worth finding out about if they do it in your area, otherwise ask SS if they know of any other agencies that could help. Crossroads is quite a lot cheaper as they are part of the caring for the carers campaign. But if your Dad is getting stressed, it may be worth seeing if he can get help either from SS or privately, I know it helped me . Love She. XX
     
  9. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Mandy
    have SS carried out assessments for Mom and Dad?
    There are both entitled,Dad as a carer.
    I would think that in Dads care plan should be help for the sleep problem.
    Reagrds
    Norman
     
  10. lisaw

    lisaw Registered User

    Nov 22, 2004
    18
    Southampton
    Hi Mandy

    My dad spent loads of money on my mum. He left his job to be at home with her, there were not retired yet as she was only 46 when her AD started. But he spent more days taking her to the beach (they live in Trinidad), expensive lunches, anything that made her comfortable. He spent more money on exotic food than anything because I think he knew that she enjoyed it. Even now in her late stage where she does not know anything he still takes her an ice cream everytime he visits her in the nusring home. As for the house, totally neglected. I don't know when he will be able to afford to redecorate it now, it needs a new roof, kitchen, carpet, everything really. I think your dad just wants to make her as comfortable as possible and enjoy as much as she can and he can of the time she has.
    With regards to her sleeping, she only slept a few hours a night so we would take turns in staying up with her. I used to read her bedtime stories and that would make her fall asleep sometimes. Also before she goes to bed, give her a cup of warm milk with about 3 teaspoons of honey in it, it releases some sort of enzymes that make you sleep more soundly, I am not sure if it is just a myth but it works for me!

    Take care and thinking of you

    Lisa
     
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi all, going along the lines already mentioned. Every night before bed when I got her washed and into her nightie, I used to give Mum a massage with lavender oil, three drops in a little olive oil. It helped keep her skin supple as she was on steroids and it did help settle her. Trouble was, it always wore off before morning but it did help. Love She. XX
     
  12. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Thank you so much for all your kind posts and wishes.

    It's very difficult I feel like every day I have a new thought/worry about this and Dad and I will have to get together....alone to have a proper chat on how we're going to deal with things.

    I keep trying to be practical (which isn't normal, I'm the most impractical scatterbrain that I know!) I think it's just a way of focusing my worry away from all the really horrible things that time will bring...so hard trying to be positive.

    I will try all the things you've all suggested to get Mum to relax and will try to get Dad to open up a bit as I'm sure he's not sleeping too well through worry anyway (I know I'm not!) It's hard because it's only him and I and to be honest being an only child ain't great for that reason. Mum and Dad both have lots of friends but Dad expects them to dwindle away as Mum's condition deteriorates (some already have).

    Thanks again for the continued advice and support...sometimes even typing things out helps for some reason. It's difficult to talk to friends about things like this, if we're out socially I don't want to depress them so tend to keep things to myself...probably why rambling away makes me feel better!

    Mandy
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Mandy

    Don't worry about the 'only child' thing.... All too many people from families that are greater in number for children find that they assume a new mantle of 'only child' when Alzheimer's rears itself.

    I'm not sure which is worse, the weight of responsibility for the true only child, or that plus the added frustration of there being others who could help but are unable to for whatever real or imagined reason.

    Keep your Dad on track, but also look after yourself.

    ..and keep talking to us on tP!

    Very best wishes
     
  14. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Mandy,

    There are some very good herbal sleeping tablets available at Health Food shops. Also Tesco sell a really good pillow spray which seems to help with sleeping problems too. I think it's made by Wella and is in a blue/violet container. Sorry I can't remember the name offhand and there isn't a Tesco close by at present!

    Good luck.

    Jude
     

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