Helping loved one with a bereavement

[Greysky]

Hi
This is my first time on a forum but I wonder if anyone could help. My mother has vascular dementia and my father died 3 months ago. She is aware he died but has no memory of how and when he died and her memories of him are fading which distresses her. I let her know her feelings are very strong and that shows how much she loved him. I have knowledge of the grief process but don 't know how similar or different the experiences are for people with dementia.
I would be grateful to hear people's experiences and any suggested reading material.
Thank you.

 

[jeany123]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point I am sorry i have no answers for you but I am sure someone will be along soon who has experience of this,

Best wishes Jeany

 

[Jeanie12]

Snap!

This is also my first time and I have the same problem with my lovely Dad. Mum passed away 6 months ago and he keeps calling at all hours asking where she is and when she is coming home. We keep telling him she is in heaven and he seems to understand for a short time and then asks again. He then thinks she has only just died and wants to close his curtains and even got his black tie out to wear.It's hearbreaking to see him go through his grief over and over again.
Would it be cruel to put a note by his telephone to remind him that Mum is in heaven?

 

[Witzend]

This is also my first time and I have the same problem with my lovely Dad. Mum passed away 6 months ago and he keeps calling at all hours asking where she is and when she is coming home. We keep telling him she is in heaven and he seems to understand for a short time and then asks again. He then thinks she has only just died and wants to close his curtains and even got his black tie out to wear.It's hearbreaking to see him go through his grief over and over again.
Would it be cruel to put a note by his telephone to remind him that Mum is in heaven?

This is so dreadfully upsetting for both of you, but it's quite a common situation. Of course everyone is different, but sometimes, if they're only going to forget again and again, and have to be reminded again and again, it might be kinder to use the little white lies so many of us find useful when it comes to dementia.

My MIL had been dead for some years by the time my FIL started asking where she was. At first of course we explained gently that she'd died some time back, but he was so distressed each time that eventually we started saying she'd just popped to the shops, she'd gone to see so and so, etc. And he'd be quite happy.*

Some people can't bring themselves to fib like this, so it comes down to what you're happy with and what works best.

Personally we found that leaving notes or messages (about anything) didn't work, because almost as soon as the person had turned their eyes away from it, they had forgotten again. Only it took us quite a while to grasp this. Of course so much also depends on what stage a person is at, and how bad their short-term memory is.

*should add that his short-term memory was almost non-existent by then, so of course he could never remember that we'd said much the same before.

 

[Katrine]

Photographs

I don't know if this suggestion would help because our circumstances were slightly different. My father died suddenly at home 6 years ago, prior to my mother developing dementia, although she was probably starting to go a little bit that way - before grief and illness struck her like a juggernaut some 6 months after his death.

Only about 10 days before he died my father had a photograph taken to renew his driving licence. It was a lovely picture, and my mum had copies made and put in every room after he died. I think it helped her to feel less alone. Now that she has fairly advanced dementia she doesn't remember how long it is since he died, and in fact this happened quite quickly. Within 18 months of his death she thought it had been decades. This allowed her to remember him without the sharpness of recent grief. She doesn't talk about him much, but she gets comfort from having his picture on view.

Perhaps you also use photographs? I took images from the family albums, scanned them on the computer, then enlarged and printed them A4 size and put them into display books. My mother had these easily to hand when she wanted a trip down memory lane. For a couple of years these brought her a lot of comfort and gave her topics of conversation that she was confident to speak about.

 

[Greysky]

Thank you for your suggestions to help my mother through her grief. I do have photos around the house of my dad which I think is helpful sometimes but on other occasions my mother gets upset as she can't remember when they were taken.
I am thinking of fibbing to my mother as you suggest specifically about how long ago my father died because as the months pass she is getting more distressed.
I guess we are both on bit of a journey and I just need to be there for her.