help.....

[Rosie008]

Hi,

This is my first email and I'm in bits I don't know what to do my husband has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he has started going onto dating and soft porn websites and talking filthy to these women. I don't know if this is normal behaviour with this disease and I just don't know what to do. Please can someone advise me also they cost a fortune and he is signing up all over, my friends say he seems perfectly normal to them when they talk to him.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Rosie008
a warm welcome to TP
how upsetting for you - sadly your husband's behaviour can be one of the dementia symptoms and other members have written about this - it certainly is no reflection on you and your relationship
is it possible to get onto his computer and turn on the child safety filters; that may block access to the sites - if your husband realises and is still able to alter the settings, it won't be a long term solution
do you need access to the computer - might it develop a 'problem' and have to be taken for repair .... you may have to be sneaky, I'm afraid
if he's paying by credit card, can you get hold of the card without him knowing and scrape off the 3 digit security code on the back - that way he won't be able to pay over the phone or online (unless he's saved the info on the sites)
it may well be worth looking generally at your financial arrangements so he has limited access to funds - have you organised Powers of Attorney; definitely do these asap so you have legal authority to help with his finances
do mention this to his consultant/GP as it may be that meds will help, and it's always worth keeping the medics up to date with any changes in your husband's behaviour so they have a full picture of his situation
best wishes

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to TP. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

As well as the practical advice Shedrech has given I wondered if you have contact with a CPN - Community Psychiatric Nurse. If not your GP or memory clinic should be able to refer you. It might be worth talking this through with one.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi Rosie008

Is your husband taking Aricept (Donepezil )? My dad had to have his dose reduced from 10mg to 5mg as the higher dose made him randy and aggressive.

He's lovely now he's off it again



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[canary]

I had this problem with OH
I got into our wifi providers account, changed the email address to mine, changed the password and then set the parental controls to block porn and dating sites and sites that provide drugs on-line and gambling sites (just for good measure!).
He only once mentioned that he couldnt access the sites any more and I blamed an upgrade by the wifi provider

Setting the controls via wifi means that even if he buys another tablet, he still wont be able to access the sites here at home. I suppose he could if he went somewhere else, but either it hasnt occurred to him or he doesnt want to.

 

[Rosie008]

Help

Welcome to TP. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

As well as the practical advice Shedrech has given I wondered if you have contact with a CPN - Community Psychiatric Nurse. If not your GP or memory clinic should be able to refer you. It might be worth talking this through with one.

hi thank you I have spoken to a CPN and she was very helpful.

 

[Rosie008]

Help

Hi Rosie008

Is your husband taking Aricept (Donepezil )? My dad had to have his dose reduced from 10mg to 5mg as the higher dose made him randy and aggressive.

He's lovely now he's off it again



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

hi, he isn't on any medication and when the consultant asked if he wanted tablets he just said know. Do you think they are worth trying as I have heard negative reports about medication and feel uncertain about them.

 

[Rosie008]

Help.

hello Rosie008
a warm welcome to TP
how upsetting for you - sadly your husband's behaviour can be one of the dementia symptoms and other members have written about this - it certainly is no reflection on you and your relationship
is it possible to get onto his computer and turn on the child safety filters; that may block access to the sites - if your husband realises and is still able to alter the settings, it won't be a long term solution
do you need access to the computer - might it develop a 'problem' and have to be taken for repair .... you may have to be sneaky, I'm afraid
if he's paying by credit card, can you get hold of the card without him knowing and scrape off the 3 digit security code on the back - that way he won't be able to pay over the phone or online (unless he's saved the info on the sites)
it may well be worth looking generally at your financial arrangements so he has limited access to funds - have you organised Powers of Attorney; definitely do these asap so you have legal authority to help with his finances
do mention this to his consultant/GP as it may be that meds will help, and it's always worth keeping the medics up to date with any changes in your husband's behaviour so they have a full picture of his situation
best wishes

Thank you for all your advice you have given me lots to think about, I do have power of attorney but I've been told because he knows what he is doing and wants to join these websites and has capacity to make decisions though in my eyes not good ones I can't take control yet? I have tried to talk to him about the credit card bills and he just says O I know what that is.... It is his own money. I will try and sort out the computer access to stop him and the credit card.

 

[Bunpoots]

Re Donepezil- knowing the affect they had on my dad if we could go back he wouldn't have taken them. They are supposed to slow down the progression of Alzheimer's and I know many people on here have had no problems with them. But they did have a very unfortunate side effect with my dad - a rare but not unknown one. You would need to discuss it with his doctor.

We had about 6 months of bizzare behaviour and delusions which were caused by the drug. It was a horrible time and it was what bought me to this site. I also turned to the Admiral nurses who had some good advice.

I hope you find a solution


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[canary]

Yes its true that you cannot use the POA to make financial decisions that he doesnt agree with while he has capacity. Thats because its a legal document, but that doesnt mean that you cant do anything - you just have to be sneaky

My OH still has capacity, but I have prevented him from accessing the sites (as outlined above). He does not know that it was me that switched on the parental controls and I am not going to enlighten him. He thinks that it is the fault of the wifi provider and he accepts this. People probably feel that I am being precious about this, but I could not accept this in my home. If OH didnt have dementia I would have walked away. As it is I know that it is due to the disease and that actually he is a vulnerable man and these activities put him at risk.

If you cant stop these activities there is, I believe, medication to reduce the hypersexuality. It would probably be a good idea to let your GP/CPN know what it happening.

 

[Rosie008]

Yes its true that you cannot use the POA to make financial decisions that he doesnt agree with while he has capacity. Thats because its a legal document, but that doesnt mean that you cant do anything - you just have to be sneaky

My OH still has capacity, but I have prevented him from accessing the sites (as outlined above). He does not know that it was me that switched on the parental controls and I am not going to enlighten him. He thinks that it is the fault of the wifi provider and he accepts this. People probably feel that I am being precious about this, but I could not accept this in my home. If OH didnt have dementia I would have walked away. As it is I know that it is due to the disease and that actually he is a vulnerable man and these activities put him at risk.

If you cant stop these activities there is, I believe, medication to reduce the hypersexuality. It would probably be a good idea to let your GP/CPN know what it happening.

Thank you very much for your reply x

 

[canary]

Rosie, Im sorry I was a bit brusque when I replied. I know exactly what you mean about being in bits by it all because I was too when I discovered OH was doing this and Im afraid that your post brought it all back again for me.
I do hope that you find a way of managing this upsetting behaviour.
(((hugs))))

 

[Rosie008]

Help.

Rosie, Im sorry I was a bit brusque when I replied. I know exactly what you mean about being in bits by it all because I was too when I discovered OH was doing this and Im afraid that your post brought it all back again for me.
I do hope that you find a way of managing this upsetting behaviour.
(((hugs))))

hi Canary, I didn't read your reply as brusque in fact you have helped me a lot. I have put on parental controls via the WI FI as you suggested and I have managed to block some of the emails. G is looking confused as to why he isn't getting his 60 emails a day ha I don't think he will ask me about it and if he does he will be sorry cos I can't have that filth on the computer.... I have felt like walking too but I know he isn't himself and it is this awful disease.
Thanks for the hugs I'm feeling better today xx

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Rosie, I was facing this problem about a year ago. Just browsing not spending. It was so upsetting to turn his ipad on and find this stuff. I was worried grandchildren might see it as well. I put parental controls on and problem disappeared. Personally I would counsel against confrontation - no knowing where it could lead. Add "checking the parental controls" and deleting e-mails to your daily tasks and hopefully he will get the message. (Well I know he will not get the message but hopefully problem will disappear).

 

[canary]

Im glad my posts helped
OH hasnt said anything about the fact that he cant get on those web sites anymore either. He just said that he thought the wifi providers had done an upgrade. Ha! I just agreed with him. In fact, 6 months on, I think he has actually forgotten that he ever did go on these sites. I just wish I could forget too. As ruhbarbtree said, confutation wont help, in fact it will probably make things worse. I know because I had a huge argument with OH when I first discovered the porn. It just made him very angry and me very upset and nothing changed - he just tried to hide it. Yes, check the parental controls regularly (I changed the password to the wifi account) and, if you have access to them, delete the emails.

 

[Rosie008]

Help

Thank you for all the replies. I was wondering if I should try and talk to my OH about this but you have all put me right...I will def not confront or even mention it. I will keep doing the housekeeping..... On the computer and hope he will forget about it and if he does say something I will act as daft as he does when I need to sort out a problem ha.