Help!

[Simmy123]

Hi there people..
I have just looked in to TP and saw that it was way back in 2012 when I first posted! My dad had a scan and was diagnosed with Small Vessel Disease but then went to another hospital to go under another consultant and she told him he should never have been diagnosed and it was all rubbish!
So here we are 6 years on and still no further on...the thing my mum is really struggling with and living in hell is his anger and constantly argumentative with her. The problem stems from being diagnosed and then told by another consultant he should never have been diagnosed and dismissed he had SVD..of course my dad has always clung on to the fact he HAS NOT got it! I think that may be his main problem - if he admitted he doesn't cope well with things and is confused/frightened by whats going on we may be able to start to help him but he is adamant he is fine - if this is the case he has turned into an argumentative/confrontational/aggressive man who is making mum's life a nightmare and who in her later stages of life should not have to be subjected to this behaviour. I've suggested mum go to the doctors on her own (he won't let her go with him to any appointments) and tell the story from her side and see what help they can give her...just wondering if anyone has any suggestions/experience to share with me. Thanks x

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Simmy. I just wanted to clarify: are you certain that the second consultant told him that? In other words did someone else hear that said?

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Simmy123
what a nuisance, to put it mildly
I totally agree with you - encourage your mum to see the GP and give them the litany of how your dad's behaviour is affecting her, warts and all
maybe before the appointment, write out a list of all his behaviours and tasks he is now unable to do or finds difficult, so your mum has evidence to show the GP
might you be able to go with her?

 

[Simmy123]

Hi Simmy. I just wanted to clarify: are you certain that the second consultant told him that? In other words did someone else hear that said?

Hi thank you for your reply. Basically he had scans etc and met with a consultant who told him he did have vascular dementia but that doctor was going on maternity leave so they decided to go under another hospital and under another consultant so he would have continuity going forward and the doctor would get to know him. It was the second consultant who said 'we would not diagnose this at this stage..you shouldn't have been diagnosed' my mum was with him at the appointment but since then he hasn't let her go with him to any appointments at the doctors. So he is in complete denial and quotes the second doctor who refused the diagnosis!

 

[Simmy123]

hi @Simmy123
what a nuisance, to put it mildly
I totally agree with you - encourage your mum to see the GP and give them the litany of how your dad's behaviour is affecting her, warts and all
maybe before the appointment, write out a list of all his behaviours and tasks he is now unable to do or finds difficult, so your mum has evidence to show the GP
might you be able to go with her?

Hi thanks for taking the time to reply to me...I think thats the next step. My mum started writing a secret diary and has been doing so for around 8 years so its all there in writing what she has to put up with and go through...my dad is aware of the diary but if my mum ever mentions it he gets annoyed and has told her he never wants to see it! It would be so much easier if he could hold his hands up and say he's worried and anxious and he needs help (but reading lots of other posts on TP that rarely happens..there's a lot of denial)

 

[canary]

Hello @Simmy123 and welcome back.
Your story strikes a lot of chords with mine.

My OH has changed entirely, has been having problems with working out how to do things, has made some truly awful decisions and has gone into rages over nothing.
His original scans showed nothing more than small vessel disease.
He too was told that there was nothing neurological showing - in fact he was diagnosed with depression and, in OHs case he decided that this meant that his long-standing and well documented epilepsy had gone away too and started coming off all his antiepileptics He too, would not allow me to come to any appointments with him and told me that the neurologist had said there was no sign of epilepsy; he was telling the neurologist that I was not seeing any seizures and wanted him to come off his medication! This only came to light once OH was referred to London and I just went with him because I knew he wouldnt get there on his own. OH was constantly accusing me of coercing him, taking him over and treating him like a child and was completely unable to see that there was something wrong with him. I truly believe that this was not denial - he knew that something was wrong, but was unable to understand that it was him, so he blamed me.

I was already a member of this site as Mum had Alzheimers, so I took advice here and wrote letters outlining in bullet points my concerns and how he had changed - he used to ......... and now he............ and sent them to the consultant before appointments. If you go and see the doctor by yourself remember that they cannot talk to you (because of patient confidentiality), but they can listen. I didnt find our GP helpful as he just said, well hes been referred to the specialist and this is what they say. I would make the consultant aware of the other side of the story.

Eventually, after lots of tests, OH was diagnosed with Fronto Temporal Dementia (FTD) and I was told that it often doesnt show in early scans. He still doesnt believe that there is something wrong and will still quote the consultant from years ago who told him there was nothing neurologically wrong