Help with talking therapies

[TNBTNB]

Hi all, my father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia roughly a year ago. He is struggling with the diagnosis and how it is affecting his mood and patience.

My partner meets with him weekly and his father expresses that he wants to talk about the difficulty he is having coming to term with the changes in his personality and what will happen as the disease progresses. His wife is very resistant to any conversations regarding what will happen in the later stages and he is acutely aware that there is a time limit for these conversations whilst he still has the capacity. He doesn't want sympathy, but practical advice.

Does anyone have any advice on what type of talking therapy may help and how to encourage his partner to also engage?

She becomes very emotional when the subject is brought up by him and avoids any difficult conversations.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @TNBTNB

It is a pity your father in law is being discouraged by his wife from talking about his dementia. She is probably frightened.

Your father in law`s doctor may be able to offer some guidance. He will need someone professional rather than a carer or befriender.

 

[canary]

We got referred for couples counselling and it was a disaster.

I discovered from bitter experience that the things that OH was telling people (including me) were not necessarily true. He was telling his doctor that I wasnt seeing any symptoms and told me that the doctor said his symptoms had gone away. Needless to say, his symptoms were still there. He would say that he knew he was having problems, yet if I quoted an actual occasion he would deny it and say I was making it all up. He would be concerned about me in front of others and seem keen to get help, yet at home behind closed doors he would be horrible and hurtful to me, accusing me of telling lies about him, taking him over, treating him like a child, and telling him what to do and think - everything became my fault. He was so convincing to others that everyone believed what he was saying. He would cherry pick what the counsellor was saying, tell her that he was doing the things she suggested (but he wasnt) and making out that I was the one with problems. I was not believed and this became yet another weapon in his arsenal.

Eventually I refused to engage and wouldnt talk to anyone about it because I did not think that anyone would believe me. To others he seemed puzzled and concerned and said he didnt understand why I wouldnt continue with the couples counselling. To me he was angry. I just felt trapped in a cage with no exit.

I am not saying that this is what is happening to your MIL @TNBTNB
It may be that she is in denial, or is frightened, but it sounds like you only have your FILs side of the story and your MIL may not want to say what it is like for her.

As your partner has been very involved with his dad, is it possible for another member of the family (you??) to try and gain your MILs trust about why she is so resistant and what she is afraid of.

 

[TNBTNB]

@canary Thanks so much for your response. I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience with counselling.

We were just discussing this afternoon how we have only heard FIL's feelings on the matter. We are going to speak with my partner's step sister to see if she can ascertain what s-MIL real feelings are on the matter.

FIL has mentioned that he has lost patience and his temper a few times and is very ashamed of that. I know MIL must be very worried about what is to come in the future.

He mentions that he wishes to take his own life before he reaches the later stages of the disease. We really want to find a professional he can work through some of the feelings with. We will also continue to encourage him to open up to us. We do not judge him for any of it.

@Grannie G Thank you for your response too. I'm sure she is very frightened. We really want to help them both.