Help with Nan who just wants to come home

[t_ridd_81]

Hi. I am Tim. I care for my 84 year old Nan who has mixed dementia, things were getting impossible with my Nan and grandad living together as she was up all night, confused who he was, walking the streets in her pjamas as she didn’t know where her ‘home’ was… so we contacted social services who arranged for her to go into emergency respite with her dog Toby.

After just an hour in the home she had a total mental breakdown and was being aggressive, trying to escape, breaking things, which is so out of character for her so she was admitted into hospital. She is still there now a week later as the drs say she has a delirium.

Everyday I visit her and she just wants to come home and be with her dog who is the love of her life but we know that just isn’t an option and it’s heartbreaking as I don’t know what to say or do… the hospital social worker has said she has to go into a community hospital for a while to properly assess her but it’s all taking so long!

I feel so guilty and get calls from Nan each evening asking where she is, why she is there and when can she come home to see Toby, she is just constantly upset all the time and things even with sedative medication to keep her calm

I just don’t know where to turn and waiting for social services to act is just getting to me because I have so much built up anxiety as to what will happen to her next

Any advice would be so helpful!

Tim

 

[canary]

Hello @tim_ridding_1 and welcome

It sounds to me like your mum is sundowning - a period of increased confusion which usually starts late afternoon/early evening and can continue throughout the night. During this period it is usual for them to be confused about where they are or who people are. They can also get very aggressive and Im wondering whether what has been seen in the care home was actually happening in her own home too and your grandad has been covering it up - a very common scenario. My mum lived on her own and when she came and stayed with me I was honestly shocked by her behaviour. She too was sundowning and I had had no idea she was so bad.

It sounds like the hospital SW is trying to find your grandma a Discharge to Assess (D2A) bed, but there may be trouble finding one. My mum also ended up in hospital and went to a care home to assess her. There is usually a period of up to 6 weeks assessment and then at the end there was a Best Interest meeting. This was a meeting of doctors, SW, the care home manager, an Occupational Therapist (I think thats who she was), mum and me. This meeting was to decide what would then happen to mum - whether she could go home with a care package (carers coming in), whether she needed a care home, or a nursing home. My mum was also going outside during the night in her nightwear, which is almost impossible to stop in their own home, so it was decided that mum would stay in the care home, which I was very happy about.

I understand that this is a worrying period, because everything is up in the air. Just try and take things a day at a time
xx

 

[Jessbow]

Delirium takes a while to subside. You dont want her assessed while she ha delerium. Best they dont asess while she has it- so it will take while.
Once she is moved for the assesment, it will probably take about 6 weeks for them to properly assess her.
Its hard, but rushing the process or trying to) wont help the outcome.



Get used to repeating the same sentance ''When the Dr says you can'' when she asks about going home.

 

[sdmhred]

This is so difficult for you to witness Tim.
im wondering how switched on your Nan is - do you think a soft toy dog or one of the robotic ones might bring her some comfort? Would she think that holding and stroking that is looking after something similar to her love for Toby?

 

[Louise7]

Hello Tim, and welcome to the forum, although sorry to hear about your Nan and the difficult time you are having at the moment. Unfortunately the hospital discharge process can take some time, we had quite a few delays when mum was in hospital recently, but hopefully your Nan will be discharged soon to the community hospital and will start to settle more. You've received some really good advice already, but it's not surprising that the situation is making you anxious. You will find lots of support here from people who understand so keep posting to let us know how you are doing. If you would like to talk things through with someone the people on the Dementia Support Line are really helpful and a good source of information and support too, they are open between 10am and 4pm at weekends:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Collywobbles]

Mu Mum had delerium when she went into hospital. She would have been on her mobile phone to us 24 hours a day, demanding to come home, unless the nurses had put it out of reach at night. I’m afraid it’s just something that has to be borne - by your Nan, you and your family - in this phase of her condition and assessment. It’s for the best in the long-term, but horrendous to live through.

If it helps, my Mum now remembers absolutely nothing about it. Some of the things she said were appalling and I know she’d be horrified if we’d played her back a recording of our conversations and her messages.