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Help with helping


Registered User
Jun 21, 2015
Hi all.

First I'd like to say how much I'm appreciating this forum being an option. God bless the internet and it's proper uses. Hopefully I'll be able to get some good advice on here. I've been struggling a bit.

My situation is maybe a little unusual, maybe not. Either way I could use some help.

My first experience with Alzheimer's was with my grandmother a number of years ago who suffered for a couple of years before she passed. At the time I was upset but didn't really gather much of an understanding of the disease apart from the effects that it had upon my immediate family and the relationships between them.

My partners mother has been suffering for a number of years in tandem with other mental health issues. I love my partner very much and so I am doing my best to help her cope with caring for her mother along with her siblings. Her mother is in a home and is visited by family members every day for around 6hours. I can see the same stresses having an effect on their relationships as per my previous experience with my immediate family. I'd like to be able to help them discuss how they feel together as I know they feel the same but the need for something separate from this is driving them apart as it did with my family.

I guess I'd just like to share experiences in order to help me better help my partner. Thanks for reading if you got this far.



Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
Hello and welcome to TP.

I'm sorry, I can't help you, although I understand your question, as it puts so much strain on everyone and we all have our own opinions.

I'm sure someone else will be along soon who can, and keep posting as sometimes it takes a while to get a good answer.


Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
Hi Veryape, welcome to TP.
You can "overvisit" I,( I mean this in a kind way), but it but it could be a bit regressive for her. if you gave her time to settle into her new surroundings , a bit more "her" time maybe she'd be able to blend in with her new life rather and detach from her old life.
I'll be honest and say that the 6 hours visits a day from family and friends might just be part of the problem (puts on tin helmet) but you're putting all the family under pressure to show they care and your MIL is being deprived of integration time with the other residents.
I sound a bit it negative and it sounds like I'm saying you're "killing her with kindness" but she needs to transit from her old life to her new one and the constant reminders may not be part of the way forward.


Registered User
Oct 23, 2014
Hello Veryape,
I also have to agree with Kevinl on this. 6 hours a day of visiting is likely to mean that your partner's mum takes much longer to integrate and gain her own independence within the CH. If possible, could you limit it to one or two hours? Might it be possible to draw up a visiting rota? That way you could get the family together to decide this and at the same time, they may start to talk together. Just a thought. Ultimately though, you sound like a lovely person. Please make sure that you and your partner have some quality time together. It helps you cope!

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point


Registered User
May 21, 2014
Oh good, so I am not the only one thinking six hours a day is excessive! Honestly, you have to let go a little. Her being in a home means it should be easier for you all now but it seems a case of extreme guilt is still making you cling to her. Yes, visits are nice, but not if they last from breakfast to teatime every day. How is she meant to interact with others and join in with activities if you're always around? Visits can also be very tiring, for both sides. This is her new home now, so let her settle in. No wonder you're all still stressed!