Help with bereavement

[crispy_]

HI all,

First post here. Nice to meet you all although wish I didn't need too

My dad (74) was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. His memory and confusion had been growing increasingly worse since lockdown and over the last 6 months has nose dived. We struggled to get a diagnosis (don't get me started on benenden health :-() but having now seen some proper doctors we have no doubt. We're not entirely sure what stage he would be classed as but he's now struggling to remember close family, has trouble dressing/shaving, sleeps poorly etc. He does have "better" days but these are really just fleeting periods of semi lucidness punctuating overall confusion.

Recently, my Dads Mum died. Also suffered dementia over the last 10 years but made it to 96 so can't really complain. My mum (dads sole carer) tried to break the news gently to him on several occasions. Its hard to say if in that moment he can grasp it but its definetely not retained in any meaningful way and he will still state he going home to his mum and dads on occasion.

Advise from the AS is that if he isn't retaining the information it may do more harm than good to keep telling him, and similarly attending the funeral service would be similarly distressing. I know my mum has been given slightly contradictory advise that it may help him process the grief so I guess if anyone has similar experience to this with a sufferer in the same sort of stages I would love to get your advise/experiences if you don't mind?

Thanks all

Chris

 

[SherwoodSue]

I think for those of us who do not have cognitive impairment a funeral service of some kind and a wake does indeed help us process out grief and gives us a chance to say goodbye.

BUT

It’s different for PWD.

Look at how he is now on a typical day. The day of the funeral he will be worse and the day after that too, with exhaustion. Many family members and friend will want to speak to him and condole with him. I suspect this will be overwhelming and exhausting.

If he has more lucid moments you could always take him to visit a grave. To be honest I don’t think I would do even that. Let him stay in his seas of forgetfulness. It doesn’t make him a bad son. It’s kinder.

 

[Kevinl]

I agree with the AS advice if someone isn't retaining the information then every time you tell them it's like finding out for the first time.
Love lies I think is the phrase usually used.
Nobody likes lying but sometimes it's the kinder option. K

 

[Jale]

My brother died in February - totally unexpected - and he was always my Mum's favourite. We have not told her that he has passed away, I know she would be heartbroken but I also know that she would not remember. Mum rarely talks now, but if she were to ask about my brother then I would tell her he can't visit because he has a cold.

Sometimes love lies are best for PWD

 

[crispy_]

Thanks all. Your advise is much appreciated

 

[Collywobbles]

Thanks to his memory, he doesn’t have any grief to process, bless him. Best not to keep putting him through it.

What a horrible situation for you and your family - thinking of you all.