HELP!!! Stressed and need help with my Dad.

[tiredgirl]

I am seriously worried about my Dad who is nearly 80. He is increasingly getting major mood swings. And the aggression is unbelievable. He's SO rude to people even people he has known for years. I get so shocked sometimes at what he says to people. He was never like that.
And I can't talk to him about anything to do with illnesses - even suggesting he goes to the doctor for anything and I get a mouthful of abuse.
I'm not sure its dementia or just his major depression that he gets into. I've tried suggesting he go to a therapist and you would think I was suggesting something awful.
But Mum is worried it is early signs of dementia.
I am at my wits end. Especially as she is talking about cancelling a holiday I booked for his birthday as he is getting really aggressive.
I don't know what to do. I live at home but think it maybe just severe depression and if they go on holiday it will be fine - new scene and all but after yesterday and how he was talking about one of his close friends I'm not so sure now mum's not right.

Please help - How can I tell? And How can we get him diagnosed without getting him to the doctors.

HELP PLEASE!!!!

 

[Selinacroft]

Hi Tiredgirl,
I think you are quite right to consider that a possible cause is early dementia. My father has vasscular dementia although quite a lot older than yours and he can also be extremely rude to people trying to help him. He's never been physically agressive but he has waved his arms around in frustration once or twice so I could understand a care worker being wary.

I would suggest you write a letter or make an apt to see your Dad's GP and raise your concerns, asking if they could do a sort of MOT on Dad, perhaps dressed up in a letter of invitation to your Dad as a general check up now he has reached the age of 80 and ask them to treat your concerns confidentialy. If they get a heads up about his mood swings , they wll know the right questions to ask and what to look out for.
I do remember how difficult it was. I don't think I even managed to get Dad into the surgery for a flu jab until he was nearly 80- first time he had ever seen a Dr in his life- he has been making up for lost time ever since.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello tiredgirl

I agree with selinacroft. There are grounds for your fears.

These were the symptoms I experienced with my husband pre diagnosis and the rudeness and aggression are very difficult to live with.

Even so, the GP treated my husband for depression for a year before he was sent for a scan, so although this was in 2002 and I hope diagnosis has moved on since then, the sooner you act the better.

There will be lots of support and understanding for you and your mum here on TP and this will hopefully help your dad too.

 

[tiredgirl]

Hi Tiredgirl,
I think you are quite right to consider that a possible cause is early dementia. My father has vasscular dementia although quite a lot older than yours and he can also be extremely rude to people trying to help him. He's never been physically agressive but he has waved his arms around in frustration once or twice so I could understand a care worker being wary.

I would suggest you write a letter or make an apt to see your Dad's GP and raise your concerns, asking if they could do a sort of MOT on Dad, perhaps dressed up in a letter of invitation to your Dad as a general check up now he has reached the age of 80 and ask them to treat your concerns confidentialy. If they get a heads up about his mood swings , they wll know the right questions to ask and what to look out for.
I do remember how difficult it was. I don't think I even managed to get Dad into the surgery for a flu jab until he was nearly 80- first time he had ever seen a Dr in his life- he has been making up for lost time ever since.

Thank you. That's a good idea about the letter. Don't know what to doabout this holiday though do I cancel it or will it do him good. SO stressed at moment.

 

[canary]

This could well be the start of dementia. Some forms of dementia (especially those affecting the front of the brain) can be mistaken for depression in the early stages - my husbands was. Your dad does need to go to the doctors to rule out any other cause of his problems, but I understand the difficulty. Many people with dementia have, as one of the symptoms, an inability to understand that they have anything wrong with them and get very angry if people say that they have.

I think your mum needs to be sneaky. I would suggest that she contacts his GP and writes, or tells him/her face to face, about her concerns. The GP might be willing to send him an appointment for a "well man" appointment, or say that it is policy to review all patients when they turn 80 and he might be more willing to go for that if no-one is saying that they think something is wrong.

 

[Selinacroft]

What about mum- how is she coping with all this? How does she feel about going away?

 

[tiredgirl]

What about mum- how is she coping with all this? How does she feel about going away?

She is talking about cancelling it. And is stressed all the time. I really worried about her aswell as him.

 

[tiredgirl]

This could well be the start of dementia. Some forms of dementia (especially those affecting the front of the brain) can be mistaken for depression in the early stages - my husbands was. Your dad does need to go to the doctors to rule out any other cause of his problems, but I understand the difficulty. Many people with dementia have, as one of the symptoms, an inability to understand that they have anything wrong with them and get very angry if people say that they have.

I think your mum needs to be sneaky. I would suggest that she contacts his GP and writes, or tells him/her face to face, about her concerns. The GP might be willing to send him an appointment for a "well man" appointment, or say that it is policy to review all patients when they turn 80 and he might be more willing to go for that if no-one is saying that they think something is wrong.

Do you think that the doctor will except a letter from me as Mum is not sneaky enough or strong enough to do this.

 

[canary]

Do you think that the doctor will except a letter from me as Mum is not sneaky enough or strong enough to do this.

Yes, I think so - any letter you send should go into your dads file. You can go and talk to the doctor too - he/she wont be able to talk to you about your dad because of patient confidentiality, but should be able to listen.

 

[Shedrech]

hi tiredgirl
welcome to TP
I wonder whether your mum would make an appointment for herself, saying to your dad that it's about something that is worrying her and is probably nothing but would he go with her to hold her hand
if you and/or she have sent a detailed letter beforehand, the GP will know what is going on and hopefully tailor the visit so he talks to your dad too - it can then appear to your dad that the GP is the one raising any concerns, not you or your mum
it'definitely worth getting a GP to check him over as there are other causes for dementia like symptoms eg vitamin deficiency, that can be treated
it's fine for you to write, a GP may not discuss your dad with you (some do) but has to note any concerns - in your letter be detailed; describe incidents, how long they last, how long they have been going on for, mention any changes you have noticed in your dad's abilities eg think of him1,2,3 ... years ago and what he could easily do then that now he cannot or has difficulty with - it's time to be brutally honest so the GP has as full a picture of the situation as possible - and mention the effect on your mum as her welfare is equally important
as for the holiday - personally, I would listen to your mum - especially if the holiday is abroad, somewhere it could be tricky getting back from easily - her being on edge may transfer to your dad and make him anxious
best wishes