I dont know where to start or if this right. I am 58 work full time from home in a very senior job and care for my 89 year old mom who is blind and has some other health issues. She has always been difficult but can be lovely too. I dont know if she has early dementia but she hides thimgs them says I have tsken them, I am taking over her house, lying to her, do not tell her things. None of this true and sadly I do get angry in response to these allegations, this ends up with her not talking to me and I cannot get past it. I wish I were dead. I dont know if it is me, maybe I am a horrible person. She has not been diagnosed, no chance of this as if I even suggested getting help it would just be my fault and there is no way she will see anyone. I just cannot cope anymore, the guilt is to much that I feel like this. Does anyone else? I am with her 24/7 and if cannot get any time alone as I must be 'up to something'.
Help please
- Thread starter CB5
- Start date
Hi @CBaldwin . Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
Firstly let me say you are not a horrible person! Your mum's behaviour is very typical of someone with dementia and, even if you know it’s because she has dementia, I can imagine how stressful your life must be at the moment.
I didn’t live with my dad so I could go home to my own place when he got too much for me. Living with him 24/7 would have driven me insane. Dad would never agree that he needed carers or help so I told him a friend of mine needed a job and I know other people have pretended that the help was for them. Many of us have introduced help or companions for our PWD by stealth.
When I found my dad’s behaviour challenging I used to find the compassionate communication thread helpful. It wasn’t always easy to follow but when I could it made us both happier.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Firstly let me say you are not a horrible person! Your mum's behaviour is very typical of someone with dementia and, even if you know it’s because she has dementia, I can imagine how stressful your life must be at the moment.
I didn’t live with my dad so I could go home to my own place when he got too much for me. Living with him 24/7 would have driven me insane. Dad would never agree that he needed carers or help so I told him a friend of mine needed a job and I know other people have pretended that the help was for them. Many of us have introduced help or companions for our PWD by stealth.
When I found my dad’s behaviour challenging I used to find the compassionate communication thread helpful. It wasn’t always easy to follow but when I could it made us both happier.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
If you are horrible person, so am I! ( actually, I probably am....). But seriously, it is very hard work living with someone with dementia, and nothing like the happy, smiling leaflets would have us believe. Unless you are a saint, you will get cross / angry / frustrated. You are only human. I find the lack of time alone one of the biggest problems. I'm lucky that I can get out to walk my dogs twice a day, otherwise I think I would go insane. Please try to sort out some sort of break - sitter? daycare? - so that you get a chance to unwind.
hello @CBaldwin
a warm welcome to DTP
many carers here will understand your feelings of guilt and worry that you cannot cope ... none of what you write makes you a horrible person, you're simply human ... keep posting with anything that's on your mind and folk will offer support
you might write to your mom's GP outlining the behaviours that concern you, the changes in your mum's abilities and your concerns for her and yourself ... at least then this info will be added to her notes, and hopefully the GP might be proactive and check your mom over, maybe suggest to them a review of any meds she takes to get her to make an appointment
with your mom's other health needs, have you asked the Local Authority Adult Services for an assessment of care needs ... from this moght come some home care visits, day care, respite and a visit from an OT to look into aids in the home ... plus, ask for a carer's assessment for you ... this will be a way to get your mum's situation 'in the system' at least
maybe you could yourself visit your GP to discuss how all this is affecting you .. it may be that some counselling would give you someon to talk to about your feelings
there's also the Support Line ... the advisors are understanding and knowledgeable
www.alzheimers.org.uk
a warm welcome to DTP
many carers here will understand your feelings of guilt and worry that you cannot cope ... none of what you write makes you a horrible person, you're simply human ... keep posting with anything that's on your mind and folk will offer support
you might write to your mom's GP outlining the behaviours that concern you, the changes in your mum's abilities and your concerns for her and yourself ... at least then this info will be added to her notes, and hopefully the GP might be proactive and check your mom over, maybe suggest to them a review of any meds she takes to get her to make an appointment
with your mom's other health needs, have you asked the Local Authority Adult Services for an assessment of care needs ... from this moght come some home care visits, day care, respite and a visit from an OT to look into aids in the home ... plus, ask for a carer's assessment for you ... this will be a way to get your mum's situation 'in the system' at least
maybe you could yourself visit your GP to discuss how all this is affecting you .. it may be that some counselling would give you someon to talk to about your feelings
there's also the Support Line ... the advisors are understanding and knowledgeable
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
