help convincing Dad he should live in assisted living

[jackgoss]

I’m an only child of an 81 year old Dad with dementia. It’s definitely getting worse. He lives alone in the house he’s lived in for 50+ years with a lot of care but he tells
me every day he’s unhappy and wants to live with me. I live five hours away.

I have a full-time job, a teenager, and a house that is not laid out for him to live in. And, honestly, I don’t want him to live with me. He was here for a month this winter and it was really depressing. Even though he went to a day program five days a week, it felt like constant management. And he was even more confused than usual. He requires almost constant care. I feel incredibly guilty about saying he can’t live with me.

I found a really nice assisted living place 15 minutes away and I want him to live there. They interviewed him and said he would be a good fit for now. I would see him almost every day. But he doesnt want to live there, he only wants to live with me. Sometimes when I suggest the place, he agrees, but then quickly pivots the conversation to him moving in with me again. I know there’s no reasoning, but I also can’t force him.

What do I do? is there a technique that might work to help him see it’s the best option for all of us?

 

[Fugs]

Dear @jackgoss , first of all don't give in to his request. You already know that it would be a nightmare. You will just have to be strong for you and your families sake.
As for advice for your actual question, I'm not sure that I have any. With my parents-in-laws, the changes that we knew were necessary had to wait for a crisis. (Our situation was a bit different, in that they didn't want to move out of the family home) Unfortunately at some point you will have to become the adult and make the changes that you know are necessary for him. Perhaps turn the tables on him. Don't raise the assisted living place, but when he mentions moving in with you, turn the subject to the place you have identified.
Take care

 

[Joe joe]

My father in law was very stubborn about not moving out of his house initially, and always said he would never go to assisted living or care home,etc, myself and my partner where going on holiday and started to talk to my father in law about going somewhere for rest bite care just while we were away, which he did, and never returned home as he was happy where he had gone to, he had plenty of company and always something to do

 

[SAP]

I would be weary of assisted living as you say he already has a lot of care . A move, as you have seen will make him confused and more in need of support. I think there is a chance he will required to move in again soon into residential care as the assisted living flat becomes too much for either party to manage.

 

[Angel55]

I’m an only child of an 81 year old Dad with dementia. It’s definitely getting worse. He lives alone in the house he’s lived in for 50+ years with a lot of care but he tells
me every day he’s unhappy and wants to live with me. I live five hours away.

I have a full-time job, a teenager, and a house that is not laid out for him to live in. And, honestly, I don’t want him to live with me. He was here for a month this winter and it was really depressing. Even though he went to a day program five days a week, it felt like constant management. And he was even more confused than usual. He requires almost constant care. I feel incredibly guilty about saying he can’t live with me.

I found a really nice assisted living place 15 minutes away and I want him to live there. They interviewed him and said he would be a good fit for now. I would see him almost every day. But he doesnt want to live there, he only wants to live with me. Sometimes when I suggest the place, he agrees, but then quickly pivots the conversation to him moving in with me again. I know there’s no reasoning, but I also can’t force him.

What do I do? is there a technique that might work to help him see it’s the best option for all of us?

💗 Hi and welcome here

Convincing - and there is the difficulty. Reasoning and weighing up pros and cons does not really go very well when someone is experiencing dementia nor does the insight into their own care needs either.

As dementia is a progressive illness I would just be mindful that assisted living may be okay but there is also a possibility that being in his own home now is masking his true abilities.

As your Dad is saying he wants to live with you it may be that he feels okay with that, comfortable and it doesn't create the same anxieties but then again if he did come and live with you it could also be again his true abilities may be less than what you think and he thinks they are in his own home. It doesn't sound like a great option given that it is perhaps not suitable for someone elderly either especially if your Dad is already having a lot of care in his own home.

Residential care could be another option and maybe somewhere closer. I would have a look at some and see what you think. We sadly hit a crisis point and Dad went straight into respite and then into a home. He still thinks he is fine and there is nothing wrong so as you can see the insight is lacking and we have to be that insight for them.

It is really hard x

💗

 

[Feeling unsupported]

I too would be wary of a move to assisted living. I tried this with mum (a rather hurried decision due to covid lockdowns on the way). It was never really successful for her. There is a limit to how much care and support they will provide and within 12 months she needed a further disruptive move to residential care. We found that being moved to a new place left her extremely confused, she couldn't find the bathroom etc, causing endless issues. She was of course not under the staff's watchful eye 24/7, which led to her wandering off the premises. I would think hard before taking this route.

 

[Violet Jane]

I'm wondering whether @jackgoss lives in North America; see the spelling of 'programme'. If so, 'assisted living' might mean something different there.

However, I agree with others who say that his/her father is probably too advanced for UK-style assisted living which doesn't provide care or supervision, just facilities and a warden to call in case of difficulty (who may not be there overnight). Some places won't take people with dementia and require the GP to confirm that the person doesn't show symptoms of dementia. The parents of a friend of mine had to move after only nine months and it took several years to sell the sheltered housing flat, at a loss, with the service charge still running (although she negotiated a reduction) until the flat was sold.