Help, call to say care home place available for dad

[Bunpoots]

That sounds like a good start. It's been some years since I last had to leave a relative in a care home. It was a lovely home and will probably be where I will take my dad when the time comes. But as you say, very mixed emotions, knowing its for the best but...

Anyway. Hope you're ok. (((Hugs)))

 

[canary]

Well done @Elle3
It is a very difficult thing to do and you got him there and left before any problems.
Your dad will be fine - it will probably take him a while to settle, but he will be OK
I hope you had (or will have) something nice planned for yourself as its emotionally draining.

 

[Sirena]

Elle that is such good news, you did a brilliant job of getting your dad there and making it work out so well. It sounds a lovely CH too. I am sure you have mixed feelings, but you know he is safe and cared for 24/7, and hopefully he will settle quickly. (My mother is only on statins and heartburn meds, the CH were surprised she wasn't on more medication as I think that's quite unusual.)

 

[love.dad.but..]

UPDATE - D DAY

Well I did it, I took him to the care home and I left him there. It was all working out pretty well, I'd managed to part him from his house keys before we left his house and I told him we were going somewhere different for our lunch. When we arrived he kept asking me how did I know about this place and I kept telling him a lady told me about it. We rang the bell, which he said was very good and then we were let in and met by one of the carers. Who introduced herself, said lunch wasn't quite ready yet, so let me show you your room. Noooooo! I quickly said, oh no we are just visiting and mouthed to her he doesn't know he's staying, so she worked with me after that. I managed to distract him with lovely photos on the walls of places of where he lives which he recognised, the church, the High Street, a place where he used to work etc. She showed us 'his' room and he was saying all the right things, how nice it was etc, I told him it was a like a hotel and he agreed.

We then had a walk around the circular corridor and ended up at the dining room. where they sat us down and came over and asked what we would like to eat. It was fish Friday, so we had a choice of three things, Fish Pie, Scampi or fish fingers, (too confusing and too much choice for dad as he just said, yes) so I chose fish pie for him and I had scampi (later I told them best to show him the choices rather than just ask) he even got a pudding. It was lovely food and dad kept saying how good it was and how nice the place was and he kept asking how much it cost (it's free) and how often can you come here (all the time).

We then we went and sat in the lounge area and a few more of the staff came and introduced themselves, after a bit I said to dad I had to get something from my car. So with one of the carers I went to get his things and I put them away in his room.

When I came back, dad started quietly asking me when we were going and I told him that he could stay here for a few days for a holiday to give him a rest and to help his legs and feet get better. His response, I can't stay here with these old people! He did have a point when you compare my dad to many of the other residents, he seems so fit and well in comparison, this damn dementia is so cruel. Even the carers had to clarify with me that he wasn't on any medication. Of the 31 residents, dad is the only one not taking any meds.

Anyway, dad was looking like he might start getting a bit argumentative about staying, so I said I would just have to go and see someone. When I spoke to the senior carer she said I should just leave now and they would deal with him. So that's what I did, that was so hard and sudden, not time to get upset.

However, very mixed emotions and feelings today, but I know I am doing the right thing for my dad, you have all told me that and my friends have all said the same thing. I have to stay away now for a few days to allow him to settle in and hopefully start to accept where he is, I will be ringing though to see how he is doing.

Thanks everyone for your support. Elle x

How you handled it and the way your dad was in terms of him not knowing he was there to stay and having to quietly go without telling him was exactly the same as me. It started a rocky emotional few months while it took dad to settle in and although I felt tearful on the way there and back when visiting I always arrived with a smile on my face and positive reassuring attitude. I always left my coat and bag in the car so it wasn't a trigger for dad to think I was leaving and never said goodbye just...am going to the loo...pit the bins out...wash up...get our lunch ready...whatever ai thought would work. I did this beyond him losing that understanding until end of life...why risk changing something that worked just in the smallest chance he may have a moment of fleeting clarity...it was kinder for him. So well done....first hurdle negotiated. Stay resolute...when visits are tough keep reminding yourself of the good kind reasons your dad is now looked after by a team of carers of which you are still a very important part...and cut your visit short if need be. The next visit will be completely different hopefully.

 

[Elle3]

I've called the home this morning to ask how my dad settled after I left etc. They said he was a bit unsettled at first, but many of the staff talked to him and he just asked occasionally where I had gone. My dad loves his food so they managed to distract him with afternoon snack, then tea and later when it was bed time, they said he went to bed fine, but got up later. So they gave him tea and toast and had a chat with him and he then happily went back to bed and slept through.

This morning he's had breakfast and has been walking around the corridor, when I called the carer said she could see my dad and he was trying doors, next thing the alarms are going off. Looks like he's trying to find his escape route already, lol!

 

[love.dad.but..]

I've called the home this morning to ask how my dad settled after I left etc. They said he was a bit unsettled at first, but many of the staff talked to him and he just asked occasionally where I had gone. My dad loves his food so they managed to distract him with afternoon snack, then tea and later when it was bed time, they said he went to bed fine, but got up later. So they gave him tea and toast and had a chat with him and he then happily went back to bed and slept through.

This morning he's had breakfast and has been walking around the corridor, when I called the carer said she could see my dad and he was trying doors, next thing the alarms are going off. Looks like he's trying to find his escape route already, lol!

Just like my dad was ....but he will eventually settle in all likelihood...my dad took a few months and I thought it was more the decline rather than a conscious acceptance but it doesn't matter what it is due to just that it happens. He never lost the wanting to try doors etc just that it lost the urgency and repetitive determination.Wishing it goes well for you both.

 

[Elle3]

Just like my dad was ....but he will eventually settle in all likelihood...my dad took a few months and I thought it was more the decline rather than a conscious acceptance but it doesn't matter what it is due to just that it happens. He never lost the wanting to try doors etc just that it lost the urgency and repetitive determination.Wishing it goes well for you both.

Thanks Love.dad.but. Can I ask, did you ever take your dad out of the home for say lunch or a walk? I'm really hoping that we can maintain some sort of routine once he settles. My dad loves going out, walking and visiting shops etc and just because he is in a home I don't want this to stop if he is still able to go and it doesn't cause him any distress.

 

[canary]

My dad loves going out, walking and visiting shops etc and just because he is in a home I don't want this to stop if he is still able to go and it doesn't cause him any distress.

I used to take mum out for lunch, a walk along the prom ot to the local park, but I only did that once I was sure she had settled and to start with I only took her out for short periods of time - usually arranged so that there was something to eat when we got back in case she refused to go back in (come on mum, they are serving tea and cakes!) After a while we could go out for several hours (always making sure she got back before sundowning kicked in), but then with the progression of dementia she could only cope with being out for shorter and shorter periods. Eventually she could not go out at all, but still liked the homes garden.

Once he has settled, play it by ear and see how it goes.

 

[Elle3]

I used to take mum out for lunch, a walk along the prom ot to the local park, but I only did that once I was sure she had settled and to start with I only took her out for short periods of time - usually arranged so that there was something to eat when we got back in case she refused to go back in (come on mum, they are serving tea and cakes!) After a while we could go out for several hours (always making sure she got back before sundowning kicked in), but then with the progression of dementia she could only cope with being out for shorter and shorter periods. Eventually she could not go out at all, but still liked the homes garden.

Once he has settled, play it by ear and see how it goes.

Thanks Canary. I really want him to feel that being in the home won't change everything he is used to doing, but I don't want to upset him either. Like you say, it's probably best to play it by ear and that's a great tip about the food as my dad loves his food and if there is one thing he will appreciate at the home and that's being fed regularly and proper home cooked meals. Elle x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thanks Love.dad.but. Can I ask, did you ever take your dad out of the home for say lunch or a walk? I'm really hoping that we can maintain some sort of routine once he settles. My dad loves going out, walking and visiting shops etc and just because he is in a home I don't want this to stop if he is still able to go and it doesn't cause him any distress.

I think you have to play it by ear and see how it goes taking advice from the staff. It took 4 months to settle to a reasonable degree and no..I didn't take dad out. Prior to NH dad was becoming more unpredictable on trying to get him into the car or getting him out and whilst I had full support from staff who said if I wanted to try it...I also didn't want to risk going backwards on the hard work the staff and I had done on settling him in for the sake of a coffee in the supermarket which was all that I could at times get him to do. I felt very guilty and still do a year after his death ...he was in the NH nearly 3 years but I took what I thought was the right action at the time for him not me. Always felt for dad who was looking to escape...it would seem like look what you could have and unfair for him to confuse him further.I was always envious of residents who were not so advanced mentally as dad who could take him out but there again when he was at that stage he would still have been at home and he had more compliance. Dad was not the only one for similar reasons not to be taken out by family. It is a tricky one and you can only be guided by how your dad settles and advice from staff and how you think he will cope.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I visited every other day and we would walk and sit in the garden...I took cheese and biscuits...cake...etc so he would hopefully feel it was a bit of a pleasant social thing with me and also did things with him...read newspaper...art...dvds...etc until he reached the point of disinterest and not knowing who I was.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Elle3, you've done the right thing. Please remember that as your dad needs to settle in, so do you need to adjust to the fact that he's in care. I must give you a little warning though; as you slowly decompress and your dad settles in, you might start feeling guilty, and thinking you could have gone on longer. You couldn't have.

 

[Amy in the US]

Elle, good to hear from you about how things went.

This is a big transition-for both of you. You also need time to adjust!

Even though my mother was so horrid to me, and I didn't visit her for almost two months after she moved into her care home, yes, we were able to establish a routine to take her out for lunch, ice cream, drives, shopping, and so on. She also went on outings with the care home staff, out to lunch once a week and other trips as well.

I think you will most likely be able to plan outings with your dad. Just give it a bit of time, and when you do go, make sure it's something that works for him, if that makes sense?

 

[Elle3]

Further update: Day 4 in home
I've been calling the care home daily to check how dad is doing. He seems to be engaging with other residents and joining in with the activities, but he is still walking around, trying doors and asking if it is time he went home yet.

We did have one incident which I'm a bit embarrassed to write about, apparently on Saturday evening he became verbally abusive to one male resident and attempted to get hold of his arm, so it had to be reported to safeguarding. The carer said it wasn't anything major to worry about and I had warned the home that dad could start to swear if he mishears something which he feels threatened by, he usually starts saying he was in the army etc, which apparently he did, so I think the other resident must have said something which dad misheard or misunderstood, he forgot about it seconds later and has been fine since.

For the first time in ages, he has been dressed in pj's for bed and has been sleeping well, probably as he's not able to nod off during the day the same and eating three proper meals a day. I have been advised not to visit him until maybe Wednesday and to only stay a short while as he may think I'm there to take him home, I'm looking forward to seeing him, but not having to deal with how he may react.

Thanks everyone for your support. Elle x

 

[father ted]

Glad to hear that your Dad is settling in the home. It will take time to adapt to new surroundings and routine but routine is so important because it gives a structure to the day and routine is hard to maintain in the home when the person is challenging over everything.Best wishes to you both.

 

[DeMartin]

It’s a year since mum moved into care, today we played bingo, she won line and house. Then she looked at her watch, and said “I’ll be late for lunch, you can go and get your bus”
And that was it I was dismissed in favour of food.
It’s taken 11 months to get to this, more interested in food than leaving with me. So don’t expect him to settle quickly, when you visit keep it short and sweet, and take a little treat, cake, chocolates, etc

 

[Elle3]

It’s a year since mum moved into care, today we played bingo, she won line and house. Then she looked at her watch, and said “I’ll be late for lunch, you can go and get your bus”
And that was it I was dismissed in favour of food.
It’s taken 11 months to get to this, more interested in food than leaving with me. So don’t expect him to settle quickly, when you visit keep it short and sweet, and take a little treat, cake, chocolates, etc

I think I will take his favourite chocolate muffins. My dad loves his food so can actually be easily distracted with it, I so hope it works.

It must be such a relief for you to know your mum is now settled there.

Thanks. Elle x

 

[Elle3]

Glad to hear that your Dad is settling in the home. It will take time to adapt to new surroundings and routine but routine is so important because it gives a structure to the day and routine is hard to maintain in the home when the person is challenging over everything.Best wishes to you both.

Thank you Father ted. Elle x

 

[Elle3]

Elle3, you've done the right thing. Please remember that as your dad needs to settle in, so do you need to adjust to the fact that he's in care. I must give you a little warning though; as you slowly decompress and your dad settles in, you might start feeling guilty, and thinking you could have gone on longer. You couldn't have.

Thank you Canadian Joanne. Realistically I think I had been doing that for the past 2 years. I kept thinking I will give it another month or until the next major incident and in all honesty we did cope. It was only in January this year that I knew it was time, he was burning himself on his electric fire but not aware that it was the fire that was doing it, so he just continued to do it. I had to take him to a walk in clinic and get District nurses to visit him to re-dress his leg. Problem was he kept on doing it and as dad had no alternative heat source I was stuck, that's when I called Social Services and they agreed with me that it was time he went into a home. I don't have POA for his welfare so at the end of the day it was actually their decision which makes me feel a little bit better about it and less guilty.

But now he is there and I'm getting reports from the care home on how he is doing, I do feel relieved. It is going to take him a while to settle, but I know it is for the best. Elle x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you Canadian Joanne. Realistically I think I had been doing that for the past 2 years. I kept thinking I will give it another month or until the next major incident and in all honesty we did cope. It was only in January this year that I knew it was time, he was burning himself on his electric fire but not aware that it was the fire that was doing it, so he just continued to do it. I had to take him to a walk in clinic and get District nurses to visit him to re-dress his leg. Problem was he kept on doing it and as dad had no alternative heat source I was stuck, that's when I called Social Services and they agreed with me that it was time he went into a home. I don't have POA for his welfare so at the end of the day it was actually their decision which makes me feel a little bit better about it and less guilty.

But now he is there and I'm getting reports from the care home on how he is doing, I do feel relieved. It is going to take him a while to settle, but I know it is for the best. Elle x

Good....and when there are tough visits which there probably will be now and again...keep reminding yourself of the above post.