1. janeymouse

    janeymouse Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    12
    London
    Hello

    Just feeling a bit lost tonight

    Dad has Alzheimers, recently diagnosed. Mum is 74 tomorrow, she has been so brave and coping, the last couple of days I think it has hit her, tonight she told me she wished she was dead and her life is over. She is worn out with looking after him as she has been unwell herself, had surgery for breast cancer last year.

    Social services have failed to show up for two assesment appointments (ok today I can understand because of the snow, but they didnt even phone to let Mum know) Anyway, I called them and spoke to team leader who outlined some of the possibilites of respite care etc etc and gave me number for a carers support group. I phoned Mum back to give her all the info, but she didnt seem impressed. I dont know what to do to help, I can understand her feeling very negative at this point in time, but I said to her, we have to accept what help we can.

    It is breaking my heart, and I know that things will get worse. I am trying to be positve, really I am!

    Thats it really, reading this board I see alot of support and people sharing experiences and I am hoping it might help me a bit.

    Thanks to everyone who helped me find the place I had to go to post a new thred

    Janey
    x
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Janey,
    No wonder your poor mum is feeling down - she is fighting her own health and your dad's - and you are quite justified in feeling sad.
    I don't think the time of year helps - the cold, and the dark nights - it probably makes your mum fee more isolated.
    You are right about getting what help you can - mum needs to know what is available - even if she is not ready to accept it yet. It may be that you have to gently guide her in the right direction. I am sure that your mum knows that you are there for her - and that will help her through this patch.
    Janey - you don't have to convince us that you are trying to be positive - sometimes the most positive thing to do is rant and rave and cry on here - cos it seems to give you the strength to carry on caring.
    Love Helen
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Hi Janey

    Well done for managing to post. It must be so hard for you, trying to support your Mum while you're feeling so low yourself.

    First of all, you have to keep on at SS and make sure you get that assessment. Also make sure your Mum gets a carer's assessment. That's very important, because some of the services, such as Crossroads are only available to carers, and SS won't tell her if she doesn't ask for it.

    Secondly, yes, things will get worse, but they may lso get better for a while to give you some breathing space. Can you arrange to be there when your Mum has her assessment? It sounds as if she really needs you to be strong for her.

    Thirdly, is your Dad getting any medication? I know it's not supposed to be prescribed for early stages now, but with a bit of pressure you may get something. If the worst comes to the worst you can ask for a private prescription. The medication may not help your Dad, it doesn't work for everyone, but it's worth a try.

    But the main thing is to get SS moving.

    Welcome to TP, and let us know how you get on. We'll support you all we can.
     
  4. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Janey - I really feel for you

    It is my mum who has Alzheimers, and my dad who had cancer. From my own experience, I think it's harder for the older generation to accept help. I often felt that Dad felt it was his responsibility to look after mum, even though he was so very ill himself. We all did what we could, but in hindsight, I think we could have got them more help.

    Why don't you phone the carers support group yourself - if you explain your families situation, they may be able to offer help.

    I'm not surprised that you mum's worn out - you might have to use some gentle persuasion on her. Failing that, does she have any sisters that she may listen to?

    I hope you manage to sort something out

    Take care

    Libs
     
  5. janeymouse

    janeymouse Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    12
    London
    Hi

    Thanks for your quick responses.

    I think the social worker mentioned a carers assement. Dad isnt on any meds at present, but his consultant said he will prescribe them at Dads next appt!

    Unfortunatley Mum is an only child so has no sisters to help. She has me and my brother, but unfortunatley he has 2 boys, one who is autistic, and the other, has problems but nothing diagnoed yet, so his life is spent looking after his boys. He is going to phone SS tomorrow and chase them up too!!!

    I feel that at least I can come here and speak to people who really know what they are on about. When I went with Mum and Dad to consultant appt he seemed more interested in his research programme (which he is getting dad to partake in) When i asked him for advice how mum can cope on a day to day basis he said, just carry on as normal but just with someone who has a memory problem, which might be true, but there was little compassion or understanding of the pain Mum might be going through, Dad too!!!
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Janey

    How awful that your brother has his own family problems to deal with, and now this on top. And poor you, having to support them all.

    Believe me, we know all about the pain on this forum, compassion in bucket-loads.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     
  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi Janey

    I am sorry to hear that your experience with the consultant was negative - I have learnt that the consultant tends to be clinical although they can be helpful. The most valuable people I have dealt with are the Mental Health Team and, dare I say it , the social workers who have a wealth of hands on experience and in the case of SW have a financial interest in keeping carers fit and able to continue careing.

    When trying to get help from SWs et al I have found it useful to appeal to their professionalism and how much I depend on them, after all everyone wants to feel that they are wanted and that they have much to contribute.

    You don't have to appear positive on TP, just accept and give help where you can.

    Hugs

    Dick
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,878
    Kent
    Hello Janey,
    I`ve only just read your posts and am so sorry you have so much to cope with. I`m glad you`ve found TP because I`m sure you`ll get a lot of support here. It helps us all.

    Your poor mother. She really does have a lot on her plate. She must feel exhausted recovering from her own illness, besides having to adjust to the demands from your father.

    I think Libby gave you good advice about making as many phone calls as possible on behalf of your parents. You will be able to explain their position in detail, whereas your mother sounds a bit cynical, as if she doesn`t expect much to be offered in the way of help. She is probably also too tired to be bothered. It`s just one more hassle to cope with.

    Please let us know how you get on. Good luck. Love Sylvia x
     
  9. janeymouse

    janeymouse Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    12
    London
    Thanks again for all your messages of support, I will be glad of all your advice etc as things progress. Dad was so bad on Friday Mum called an ambulance as she was panicked, anyway they sat in a & e for ages and then gave up and went home as Dad was tired and freaked out! I just wish i could bundle him up in my arms and make everyhing ok, but I cant. I cant bear to lose him like this!

    On a more positive note, i shall follow your advice and kjeep on to ss etc. Thank you for taking time to help out when you are all obviously going through a lot yourselves.

    Love

    Janey
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,878
    Kent
    What a dreadful situation for someone to have to sit in A&E for so long, they get fed up and go home.
     
  11. janeymouse

    janeymouse Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    12
    London
    unfortunatley thats the way it is, specially in busy A &e in london. Mum felt guilty then for calling the ambulance, but the ambulance men told her not to be so silly and gave her a big kiss as it was her birthday!!!
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Yes when we called an ambulance and went to A & E we did see a nurse to check mum over before doctor turn up we was there 3 hours then moved into a side ward that they built on to A & E , I ask why we was moved there and nurse told me that your not meant to be in A & E for more then 3 hours
     
  13. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Janey,

    I understand totally your frustrations. I'm in a very similar situation at the moment, although it's my Grandma who has Alzheimers & my mum who's doing the caring (to the best of her ability).

    We too have found Social Services to be a bit of a dead loss as regards help. We've had 2 assessments done, & although there has been gas leaking & meals left on the doorstep instead of being taken in, & 'carers' leaving Gran for two days because they couldn't get the key in the lock we still get told that she's not suitable for residential care.

    I have recently spoken to a friend of mine who worked in a care home for EMI patients & she told me that we just should NOT take what SS say as gospel. She told me that we should contact the Care Commission & inform them of our situation & we might find things change a whole lot.

    Keep on that phone, & don't let them fob you off with excuses. I would take your mum to one side one day when there's peace & quiet & discuss the issue of having to accept help from the point of view that it doesn't make her less of a good wife to her husband, it in fact means the opposite. By accepting help she's providing the best of care for him when she's been so unwell herself. She's feeling vulnerable & your constant reassurance will help her get her strength back.

    Thinking of you & wishing you luck.

    Gill
    X
     

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