Hello!

[Marie hall]

Hello - just hoping to get advice on how to deal with dementia care issue.
My mum is 88 and has Alzheimer's with vascular dementia. My brother took her to live with him 12 months ago when it was no longer possible to keep her own home. I had done everything up to that point for a number of years due to other health issues. Now he wants extra money so does anyone know how I make a formal arrangement to do this as I already pay him £1700 a month for mum's rent/ food etc. And he has asked for more and more money since she moved in?

 

[Kevinl]

Hello and welcome.
Should you go down the care home route the £1,700 a month is cheap, however, a financial assessment of her assets might see this amount as a "deliberate deprivation of assets" giving so much to a family member for care
I had my mum come to live with my wife and I never took a penny of hers, she ended up helping me looking after my wife who got early onset AZ, mum was just a bit dotty but the more capable of the two.
K

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Marie hall and firstly welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. You will find there is lots of shared experience of dementia here and members really do want to help.

I am sorry to read of your Mum's diagnosis. My first question is do either you or your brother (or both) have Lasting Power of Attorney for your Mum? You say you already pay £1,700 a month for rent/food etc..... is this your Mum's money or yours? Sorry to be asking questions, but any I would want to give you any advice or suggestions on the basis of a little more information.

 

[Marie hall]

Hi - yes I have LPA for health and finance. The money is mum's money. Up until she was no longer able to live independently I did all the caring etc. so managed money, hospital appointments and whatever she needed. As I work full time I could not take mum in so my brother did as he and his wife do not work.

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @Marie hall . Welcome to the forum, you will find lots of advice and help here. You have done a great job looking after your mum for so long, and it’s good your brother is now stepping in. How did you and your brother and sister-in-law agree the £1700, and was it broken down to include elements such as carers when they go on holiday, or have days off? Have you applied for AA for your mum? I hope your brother has explained what he needs the extra money for. It should be supported by receipts. As the holder of PoA you will have to tread very carefully. I feel you are very uneasy about all this.
Have you discussed what will happen if/when her funds are reduced and she can no longer afford this? Also does she own her own home, as the implications of this need to be considered. I am sure there will be more financially astute folk along soon with advice.

 

[Spottydog]

You are right to formalise things as you have LPA and it seems worrisome if your brother is asking for more (assuming there is no obvious reason related to your mums care such as significantly higher bills than anticipated). Does your mum get attendance allowance? Is your brother or wife on any means tested benefits? Do they claim carers allowance? The only other thing I was thinking is, are they happy with the care arrangement or are they perhaps trying to price themselves out of the responsibility?

 

[Marie hall]

Hi - I am unsure about things. Mum does get AA. Don't know what my brother is claiming as their finances are kept secret. As my sister in law already has a disabled relative living with them I feel they based it on his care costs. The initial money was £1000 for board etc. plus the rest for money to pay for carers to give them a break and socialise mum. On top of that he has asked for money to pay energy bills as mum is up during night using lights / needing heating but the house is heated 24/7 due to the other person needing warmth too. I paid all the winter fuel allowance on top for the bills. My worry is that my brother is using mum as a way to fund his life as he has suddenly had new bathroom fitted, is looking at changing vehicles when he says he has no money. I made it clear at the start that things had to be done above board so that I could prove where her money is going. Don't know what to do.

 

[Marie hall]

Hello and welcome.
Should you go down the care home route the £1,700 a month is cheap, however, a financial assessment of her assets might see this amount as a "deliberate deprivation of assets" giving so much to a family member for care
I had my mum come to live with my wife and I never took a penny of hers, she ended up helping me looking after my wife who got early onset AZ, mum was just a bit dotty but the more capable of the two.
K

Hi - I know £1700 is cheap as I have explored care home and that is a factor. I am worried about proof of where the money is going. When mum moved in with him he emptied her flat immediately before the decision was made for her move to be permanent. He sold items and stored others at his house. Then instructed estate agents which I then stopped as he had no right to do that. He was very keen to move mum in permanently when he has always had a difficult relationship with her, often walking away for months and years at a time. He only started speaking to us both 2 years ago when I had to ring his wife for help as I couldn't get to mum after paramedics rang in an emergency. Really worried what is going on.

 

[Spottydog]

The most important question is do they take good care of your mother ? For the extra money for the care to give them a break do you know that they have actually engaged a care agency and do these carers look after your mum and the disabled relative ? For transparency I would suggest you pay for the professional help directly rather than giving it to your brother to manage. If they aren't using professional help it gets very murky and as PoA you have a right to worry about how the money is being spent and more disclosure for them is required. I am thinking that Citizens Advice might be a place to go for help and advice. But first and foremost are you satisfied with the care they are providing?

 

[Marie hall]

Hi - I am satisfied with the care especially my sister in law who seems to do the most. She obviously loves mum dearly. The carers appear to be friends who have helped out over the years. I think they are being paid cash but can't t get a definite answer - which worries me. It all seems a little hazy.

 

[Spottydog]

I am so glad to hear you are happy with your mums care, that is the main thing and I hope your mum is happy too. I'm sure it's all with the best of intentions but I'd be a bit worried about carers being paid cash etc., and whether they have the necessary insurance, contract etc. but I don't know where your responsibility/liability starts and ends in all this, e.g. If they had an accident whilst providing care to your mum. I would suggest chatting to citizens advice... I've found them extremely helpful in the past.

 

[JoannePat]

Like Spottydog says, I am also glad to hear that you are happy with the care your mum receives, BUT the fact that the carers are paid in cash would make me suspicious of insurance/liability etc.

I know you probably don't want to upset the apple cart, as your SIL is doing such a good job, but I think certain aspects need looking into. Someone commented about you employing the carers, that sounds like a good start. You can make an excuse that her funds are being looked into and you need receipts and invoices to prove monies going out etc.

Keep us updated and good luck xx

PS Citizens Advice are sooooo helpful.

xx

 

[Marie hall]

Thank you so much to all who are commenting. I am really grateful for the advice and the chance to voice concerns. I really do not want to fall out with my brother and sister in law over this so it is good to get another opinion. I will explore citizens advice and have already brought up the question of carers allowance with my brother. Thank you.