Hello I am new to this forum and hopefully be able to find help or advise for my mums onset dementia.

[Hsue]

Hello I am new to this forum and hopefully be able to find help or advise for my mums onset dementia. My father died 4 months ago and was in a care home for 1 year. He died with Alzheimer’s . My mum seemed to accept his passing but for the last 6 weeks completely in denial he has passed . She tells me he was in the house and he’s gone out, asks me constantly throught the day if we are going to visit him and gets clothes out for him. When I explain everytime he has passed she replies I know but us he really dead! It’s goes on all day until 8pm . I’m in the process of getting her tested for dementia but 6 months waiting list! Anyone experienced this behaviour before. I’m searching for an answer . Thank you

 

[JulieR]

Hi, Yes my Mum was pretty much the same, after my father passed away she was all right for a week or so but then kept saying he wasn’t dead but living in the loft and that he wouldn’t come down for his tea or talk to her, this belief grew into he had left her for another woman and he was stealing from her etc to name just a few of her delusions and hallucinations.

We really didn’t find an answer as to how to handle any of this if I sat her down and gently explained to her that Dad had died she would get upset but then a couple of hours later would be on the phone saying she could hear him in the loft etc, I resorted to sympathising with her by saying things like “that’s hard for you mum” and then distracting her by suggesting a cuppa or talking about her shopping list or suggesting an outing.

It was a long bumpy road to get her diagnosed and all the time she would absolutely deny she had a problem and say there was nothing wrong with her, unfortunately in the end it took a crisis to get some help.

Has your mum got any other symptoms? It is possible that it could be a reaction to her loss or something, maybe your GP could help? If you haven’t got it arranged already it would be a good idea to get power of attorney for both her finances and health it’s surprisingly easy to do it online these days and makes it easier for you to step in to help with bills, finances and future care.

Hope this helps a bit it’s very hard to deal with on top of your loss.

 

[Hsue]

Hi, Yes my Mum was pretty much the same, after my father passed away she was all right for a week or so but then kept saying he wasn’t dead but living in the loft and that he wouldn’t come down for his tea or talk to her, this belief grew into he had left her for another woman and he was stealing from her etc to name just a few of her delusions and hallucinations.

We really didn’t find an answer as to how to handle any of this if I sat her down and gently explained to her that Dad had died she would get upset but then a couple of hours later would be on the phone saying she could hear him in the loft etc, I resorted to sympathising with her by saying things like “that’s hard for you mum” and then distracting her by suggesting a cuppa or talking about her shopping list or suggesting an outing.

It was a long bumpy road to get her diagnosed and all the time she would absolutely deny she had a problem and say there was nothing wrong with her, unfortunately in the end it took a crisis to get some help.

Has your mum got any other symptoms? It is possible that it could be a reaction to her loss or something, maybe your GP could help? If you haven’t got it arranged already it would be a good idea to get power of attorney for both her finances and health it’s surprisingly easy to do it online these days and makes it easier for you to step in to help with bills, finances and future care.

Hope this helps a bit it’s very hard to deal with on top of your loss.

Hi Julue thank you for your reply. Yes I have financial POA and in process of getting the health one! She has no other symptoms has had blood tests ect only this fixation on my dad ! I’m exhausted from trying to sit her down and explain it all again only for her to say yes I know he’s dead but he didn’t come home today!!! It’s mentally draining. I have mental health services involved and coming tomorrow to see her so hopefully get somewhere and a scan done sooner than later. Thank you so much.

 

[canary]

Hello @Hsue

A similar thing happened to my mum too and she came to believe that he was having an affair which became that he and his "fancy piece" were living in the flat upstairs (she lived in a bungalow).

There is no point in trying to keep explaining it to your mum, Im afraid. She is no longer able to process the information and in her mind nothing has changed, so he should still be around.
Id try and ignore her behaviour and keep replies sympathetic, but as vague as possible.

 

[Hsue]

Hello @Hsue

A similar thing happened to my mum too and she came to believe that he was having an affair which became that he and his "fancy piece" were living in the flat upstairs (she lived in a bungalow).

There is no point in trying to keep explaining it to your mum, Im afraid. She is no longer able to process the information and in her mind nothing has changed, so he should still be around.
Id try and ignore her behaviour and keep replies sympathetic, but as vague as possible.

Hi yes I’m trying to keep calm and reassure her he has passed . It’s the constant phone calls asking if I’m going to see him or is he at my house! Is it wrong not to answer every call? She is safe and I live really close by .

 

[JulieR]

Hi yes I’m trying to keep calm and reassure her he has passed . It’s the constant phone calls asking if I’m going to see him or is he at my house! Is it wrong not to answer every call? She is safe and I live really close by .

Its very hard to cope with on a daily basis it sounds like you are doing all you can for her, maybe you could try a few questions along the lines what are you doing now or where are you in the house to check shes not doing anything silly then tell her to try not to worry and tell you will see her in the morning or whenever, does she have a lifeline for emergencies?

 

[canary]

I think it might be a mistake to keep reminding her that he has passed. She is not processing it, but there will remain a feeling that something is wrong, so she keeps asking where he is. Just be vague and say, you havent seen him recently, or something like that.

Its perfectly OK to not answer the phone each time

 

[Hsue]

Its very hard to cope with on a daily basis it sounds like you are doing all you can for her, maybe you could try a few questions along the lines what are you doing now or where are you in the house to check shes not doing anything silly then tell her to try not to worry and tell you will see her in the morning or whenever, does she have a lifeline for emergencies?

Yes she has numbers but rings me! Shes not at the stage where I’m worried about her in the house only this fixation on my dad! Hopefully they will suggest an earlier scan to gave a diagnosis and move on from there . Thank you julie .