Hello have just joined

[lizr]

Hello everyone my name is Liz. I am 57 my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia and alzheimers in may 23. She lives with my dad who has mental health issues. Mum has not left the house since covid. I work 3 days a week and visit most days to give dad some respite and help mum shower every thursday and do housework laundry sort medication etc as well as my own chores. Dad is finding it difficult to understand how to communicate with mum as her reality can be different to his - i have said he needs to not argue with her but agree but he doesnt understand this. I always feel when i go round something needs sorting and never just enjoy mums company for a change. I have been quite unwell prior to her diagnosis and since- anxiety and trouble eating. Decided to go to a mindfullness course starting today and enjoyed it and felt relaxed and as i left dad rang with another issue to sort out😮‍💨.
Mum has a carer to sit with her for 2hrs on thu to chat and give dad a break but he doesnt like this even though it does mum good and he tries to come up with reasons to stop it but i have been firm that it should continue.
Mum has started taking memantine which has helped with her emotional outbursts which is good.
How do you all cope with these difficulties ??
What is a good personal alarm system for some who cant use a phone ?
Thanks for listening- hope my next message is more cheery.

 

[2ndAlto]

Hello Liz, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. I found this article on Compassionate Communication to be very helpful, it might help your Dad with your Mum?

https://www.alzsd.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/COMMUNICATION-Compassionate-Communication.pdf

 

[Gosling]

Hello Liz @lizr and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a lot of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have joined us.
I am sorry to read of your Mum's diagnosis, and you Dad having his own health issues as well as trying to care for your Mum. That will be very difficult I'm sure. The link in the previous post will hopefully help in ways in conversing with your Mum - hopefully your Dad would benefit for looking at it.
The other thing that springs to mind is have you arranged Lasting Power of Attorney for your Mum. If not, I would suggest you try to organise this for both the health one and the finance one sooner rather than later, as this will make things easier for you a bit further down the line.

Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney

How to make a lasting power of attorney (LPA): starting an application online, choosing an attorney, certifying a copy, changing an LPA.

www.gov.uk

It is good that your Mum has a carer to be with her for a couple of hours - yes, please try to dissuade your Dad from stopping it, as in reality, you will probably find that your Mum will need more care support as things progress. It's good that the memantine has helped with the outbursts. That is something!
I hope you will find this useful for helpful advice and suggestions, and more importantly, understanding. Members here really do want to help... and never worry that a post isn't 'cheery'. It often helps just to put things down in writing on here as to how you are feeling because of how things are...Do take care.

 

[Neveradullday!]

Hi Liz. Yes, please don't apologise for your post not being cheery, this is the one place we can tell it how it is.
We all know how challenging dementia is.
I'm pleased you're enjoying your mindfulness course.

 

[lizr]

Thanks all for the advice and support. I have got LPA for mum and dad so that is helpful. Will print of info about communicate to give to dad.

 

[SharoH]

Hi 2ndAlto
I know the above link about Compassionate Communication wasn’t meant for me, I just wanted to thank you for posting the link, I found it really useful.

Kind regards
Sharon

 

[2ndAlto]

Hi 2ndAlto
I know the above link about Compassionate Communication wasn’t meant for me, I just wanted to thank you for posting the link, I found it really useful.

Kind regards
Sharon

Hi Sharon! I'm so glad you have found it helpful - I found it on this forum and it has made quite a positive difference to the way I interact with my OH.

 

[lizr]

Hi i found the info sheet really helpful and have given a copy to dad. Hoping he can find it helps him as he is struggling with communicating with mum.

 

[Nic9]

Hello, Thank you for this sheet. I'm sending to my lovely mother-in-law who is caring for father-in-law whose dementia is progressing. I visited this site at Christmas, when we were told of the diagnosis, and the time is now right to share this PDF. Thank you.