Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
Hi All
An update...it does not get any easier!!!!!!! The assessment went ok I think, I wasn't present. The consultant has put her onto Quetapine and says this should help to quell anxiety etc. This was 3 days ago and no change yet. Live in hope I suppose. She is still in the local hospital but wants out like yesterday and as a consquence is really anti-me. I've put her there under false pretences and so on and so forth. I am sure I am not the only one to be going through this but honestly, it makes you feel like a worm and as for the guilt - as the Spanish say - sin palabras! On Wednesday next there is a case meeting and Ma will be present too. The doctor has suggested only going home with a good care package in place. Not so easy; the time she is deemed to be most unsafe is at night and the flat only has one bedroom. As a consequence carer's will not stay the night and to be brutally honest I can't do it any more. I have shed so many tears this week. The only other option open is a care home and I think this is it... But howdo I go about telling her. The only thing I can think of is to tell her that she needs convalesnce for a few weeks and then hope the 4 weeks turn into 5 and the 5 into 6 etc. Does anyone have any advice? Apart from that, how do I cope with the meeting. Ma thinks we are all against her and whatever I say will go down like a ton of bricks. I know honesty is the best policy but... she of course thinks she is fine.:confused:
Hey ho if anyone has any ideas please help. Thanks
Apart from all that, I lost it today and yesterday. I spent hours trawlling M&S and others for long sleeved cotton nighties, got soaked and all I found were short sleeved ones. Bought 2 (now incontinent as well). Did I get any thanks - of course not, just a tirade about wanting to go home and how I am letting her down in front of others. Thank God for the nurses on the ward they are wonderful. Nurse told me not to go tomorrow, have a day off. Wonderful idea but more guilt!!!!


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Nurse told me not to go tomorrow, have a day off. Wonderful idea but more guilt!!!!
Hi Judy, so when DON'T you have guilt pray. With this b.. awful disease you're always damned whatever you do (or don't do) so take the advice, give yourself a break, just for a day.

As for "Mum thinks she's fine" well, you know otherwise, & that she's mistaken. You ARE doing the best you can, even if she's incapable of realising it. YOU know it, use that as a buffer against her hurtful words.

Best wishes

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Judy.

Do whatever you have to in the best interests of your mother. If you are worried about her safety at night, then it is time to be thinking about residential care.

If your mother gets stroppy with you at the case meeting the powers that be will see how difficult she is, and if she is sweetness and light, so be it.

You can only take so much responsibility, after that you need to back away.

You will get no thanks or appreciation but your mother`s condition is responsible for this, so try not to let it affect you too much. I am not saying I could let it all wash over me, but I am learning, slowly.

Stop feeling guilty, it isn`t your fault your mother has this condition. It isn`t your mother`s fault either.

Alzheimers really is a stinker. It causes so much upset and makes us all feel so helpless and hopeless.

Take care xx


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
I couldn't manage to have a conversation about my mum in front of her, which is tricky because not all the professionals appreciate this. But, currently both the CPN, social worker and most of the care home staff are now in agreement with me. She may have dementia but she is not deaf or stupid. She does have a vile temper and it comes out quickly when she feels threatened in any way.
I took her to view the home, and the manager there was inspirational. She asked her if she would like to try the home out for a week. She said yes!! Ofcourse it will turn out to be the longest week in history (about 5-6 weeks so far) but I have been totally honest, she has been told its permanent, but I have to tell her again every time I see her. Its not easy, but its a different worry, and you have to trust the care home staff do get on and do their job. They seem to be quite good at it.


Registered User
Jul 7, 2007
Hello judyjudy

Please be assured that honety is not always the best policy !

With our Mum we used such things as - you're convalescing, (people of Mum's generation sort of remember the huge network of convlescent homes that there used to be ) OR the doc says you have to stay until you're more mobile/infection has cleared/ you put some weight on/ you are sleeping properly etc etc etc

Staff were wonderful helping us along by saying things like - "well if you want to go we'd better get you exercising more " - of course total refusal or "please don't leave us so soon we're just getting to know each other "

We tried to have a response each time she asked which was right for that day's situation - sadly it wasn't too long before she stopped asking - no idea where she really was anyway !


ps would she consider pyjamas ? we had about 12 pairs of long sleeved winceyette type ones for summer and winter - much easier to change a half rather than a whole nightie !


Registered User
May 16, 2007
Hi Judy, I empathise with the feeling that you're not appreciated!

My mums just been in her home for 2 weeks and as far as the staff are concerned mums lovely and not difficult at all - all smiles.

However from the moment you visit it's a list of complaints as long as your arm! She hates the place, no-one talks to her, she can't get out a walk, she's bored, she's not staying - she's going home and getting a flat herself!

So you take her out a spin in the car, take her a walk, buy her an ice cream/cup of tea/whatever she wants. satisfy her list of demands and never get a pleasant comment or any sign of appreciation!

Now I know that as a dementia sufferer she can't help any of her behaviour, and the problem is really mine in that I'm expecting her to respond in her (prior to illness) normal way. But as her daughter it really does cut into your heart when she's cruel and hurtful and mutters under her breathe that none of us care about her, this is obviously not true!

The advice you get is to harden up and let the comments and bad stuff bounce off you - but I haven't mastered that one yet! Nor have i been able to spend more than an hour with her at a time!

Nothing about this process is easy and reading other folks postings on here is confirmation of this. everyone is on a different rung on a long ladder and we share similar experiences and are here to support one another.

Thinking of you. ann x