My Mum moves tomorrow to the care home from the Reablement centre, willingly(yes, the latter is a blessing). I am a little stressed about the transition. For most of her 6 week stay in the Reablement Centre she has been saying to me that she will "have to sell that house" and that she couldn't go home. Her reduced mobility is a big factor in my mother's decision. However, the Invisible, my brother and his wife, have not been told the same thing by her for nearly all of this time(and I am not even sure how much she has told them now), despite my gentle efforts to try to get my mother to communicate this to them. However, it as if my mother has been protecting brother, trying not to upset him and this has been managed by her hostess mode in the past(which is becoming harder and harder to maintain) But also it is as though my brother has been protecting himself from knowing as the enormity of it all has too many practical and emotional implications. Maybe this is how the "Invisible Relationship" gets maintained. Maybe there is a two way sort of agreement going on - or is that just unique to my family situation? I cannot any longer blame my mother if she has been "forgetting on purpose" to tell them when she already has to deal with her own uncooperative mind.
Brother and his wife have sparsely visited her in the Reablement Centre between their numerous holidays but she just kept on not saying it to them. Every time I asked my mother if she had told him she would say something like ," Yes - I have told him he needs to clear that shed out in my house"(!) I didn't want to be the one to tell him because he knows I have always said that caring for my mother has been too hard for me to do and I even tried to persuade her to go into Sheltered accommodation some years back because I believed the company would have been good for her - and brother went bananas and persuaded her out of it. I wanted my mother to communicate her desire to move to a care home with the imminent sale of a run down house because 1) I didn't want to get the blame from brother for the decisions I have made(OK - I know I am going to get that anyway!) but 2) My mother's financial affairs have been largely managed by my sister-in law in the past because she had a career, now retired, in finance. I have all my mother's paperwork at home which had become slightly muddled. I have sorted and filed it all but there are parts of her money and savings which I don't understand. I have done some basic stuff(nevertheless time consuming!) like having her landline at the home disconnected, altering the home insurance to unoccupancy status, switching off her heating for these "summer" months, applying for a refund on her TV licence. Her filing box is now sorted but I don't fully understand it all.
I assume that she gets a 28 day trial period in this care home after which direct debit needs to be set up to pay for the fees.So, not really knowing how much my brother knew about my mother's wishes, I sent a text message at the start of this week with her change of address. and time of moving. Texting is the only way I communicate with him now(too upsetting to converse with on the phone). No reply. I also recently spoke with my mother to ask if she would like my brother and sister in law to deal with setting up payment for the care home with any necessary adjustment of finances.... because I have found it too difficult to manage(and not least because I have too many other things to do at the moment!) No reply is forthcoming from brother. It is so disheartening - and I have been trying to get ahead with doing this because my brother and his wife have a habit of taking off again(unannounced) in the autumn for another 3 month stay in their US home. We are are still waiting on the Office of the public Guardian to enstate the Joint and Several(my mother's wishes) POA.
Sorry this is a little bit of a long, frustrated rant. It helps me to air it anyway. I know there are no easy answers.Thanks for reading.
Brother and his wife have sparsely visited her in the Reablement Centre between their numerous holidays but she just kept on not saying it to them. Every time I asked my mother if she had told him she would say something like ," Yes - I have told him he needs to clear that shed out in my house"(!) I didn't want to be the one to tell him because he knows I have always said that caring for my mother has been too hard for me to do and I even tried to persuade her to go into Sheltered accommodation some years back because I believed the company would have been good for her - and brother went bananas and persuaded her out of it. I wanted my mother to communicate her desire to move to a care home with the imminent sale of a run down house because 1) I didn't want to get the blame from brother for the decisions I have made(OK - I know I am going to get that anyway!) but 2) My mother's financial affairs have been largely managed by my sister-in law in the past because she had a career, now retired, in finance. I have all my mother's paperwork at home which had become slightly muddled. I have sorted and filed it all but there are parts of her money and savings which I don't understand. I have done some basic stuff(nevertheless time consuming!) like having her landline at the home disconnected, altering the home insurance to unoccupancy status, switching off her heating for these "summer" months, applying for a refund on her TV licence. Her filing box is now sorted but I don't fully understand it all.
I assume that she gets a 28 day trial period in this care home after which direct debit needs to be set up to pay for the fees.So, not really knowing how much my brother knew about my mother's wishes, I sent a text message at the start of this week with her change of address. and time of moving. Texting is the only way I communicate with him now(too upsetting to converse with on the phone). No reply. I also recently spoke with my mother to ask if she would like my brother and sister in law to deal with setting up payment for the care home with any necessary adjustment of finances.... because I have found it too difficult to manage(and not least because I have too many other things to do at the moment!) No reply is forthcoming from brother. It is so disheartening - and I have been trying to get ahead with doing this because my brother and his wife have a habit of taking off again(unannounced) in the autumn for another 3 month stay in their US home. We are are still waiting on the Office of the public Guardian to enstate the Joint and Several(my mother's wishes) POA.
Sorry this is a little bit of a long, frustrated rant. It helps me to air it anyway. I know there are no easy answers.Thanks for reading.
