My dad is the most wonderful and gentle man. I cannot cope with the guilt; have we put him in a home too early ?
My dad was diagnosed 19 months ago with Alzheimer’s. We knew he had problems and were expecting ‘this’; however, the reality is now very clear and excruciating.
Have we put our wonderful father in a home too early ?
I’ve read thousands of website advice posts, yet I’m still wracked with guilt and unsure.
In his own home, my wonderful dad (who lived alone) firstly began not to feed himself (he “wasn’t hungry.”) but , other than a little forgetfulness , was fine . He started to struggle with finding the right words, delaying speech a little, and lost his ability to use his mobile phone or remember his post code etc. He had to give up work (his life ) and driving at only 75.
At this point, we arranged carers to give him his breakfast and evening meal. He had a person to take him shopping. 12 months later, his symptoms worsened. This was September this year . He would go to bed at 10pm, only to wake at 1am and think it was morning and stay sat in his living room with his fire on full blast . He lost all concept of time and money . He watched TV without really taking in what was on it -unless prompted. He started colouring child’s colouring books (given to him by us) and craved the attention and praise from this . He carried his box of paints like a prized possession-almost like a security blanket. He became childlike and went to day care -yet was very anxious about when and where he would be picked up . He started occasion hallucinations such as a wedding outside his window or people speaking to him on the TV. We knew he is not ‘ok’ especially when he started to think carers were robbing him or poisoning his food. Still placid and friendly, he stopped bathing. He deteriorated rapidly to this point. This was from Sept to Dec .
For this period, my sister would see my dad daily . She would go shopping with him and supply the carers with food. She would keep him busy every day. Day care was a God send for her -and we increased this from 2 days to 5. Although my dad felt too young for this daycare group, he still went and enjoyed it which gave my sister some much deserved rest.
This left him with evenings free. I would visit , or his ex wife (my mum) or sister. The wandering started. Mainly, I feel, because he woke too early and would walk to church or my sister’s house as he was confused with the time . Sometimes, he would return by himself. Other times, he became lost and the police were called to find him. This did not happen often enough , in my opinion, to put him in a home and call him a risk . Is this because we protected him so much to avoid this or is this not bad enough to warrant him being desperately distraught in a home ?
We had an alarm system fitted so we knew when he left the house -with care call . We had a tracker put in his shoes and a camera in his living room and door.
A few incidents of him wandering meant that we put him in a home for one week . This was because his day care was cancelled and my sister and I could not be there 24-7 just in case he went walkabout. The guilt was immense as this was over Christmas. The week before , we have took turns staying over at his house to make sure he did not wander. It’s impossible to say if he would have if we hadn’t been there .
He is not a well man. However, we have put him in a home for two weeks now and I cannot bare to see him there . He doesn’t understand why he is there (we have told him it is to check his new medication works) and his is constantly trying to leave. Due to Covid , he is locked in the facility and cannot cope with this . He does not understand and thinks he is fine .
My dad has gone downhill rapidly since going in the home . He had a few occasions where the disease was so overwhelming that he couldn’t distinguish between a photo and a book . He cannot hold a phone to his ear and cannot give eye contact . He is distressed as the other residents are very much older than him and can’t communicate with them . My dad is nowhere near this stage of age or infirm and we can have conversations -usually with encouragement - with him. CV19 means we can only window visit (which we have been daily or almost daily) . He tries to leave several times a day and night so they are trying put him on another ward -which I will fight for not to happen.
My concern is that we have put him in a home too early . He is young and cannot make friends or settle with these ‘old people’. We cannot take him out or spend time with him as we always would. That said, as full time workers , my sister and I cannot be with him at his own home all the time and it was overwhelming trying to either stay with him or constantly check the cameras that he hadn’t left his home. I feel that as he got lost only a handful of times , that Id rather he be in his own home . This is unfair on my sister who takes him as her responsibility daily by seeing him and taking him out .
Him being distressed in a home is making the guilt unbearable. I want him at home yet I cannot supply the level of care he needs . I feel that we could cope a little bit longer though -the worry being the strain it puts on personal relationships and work . That said , this guilt is worse . Some days he is lucid and others (since being in the home ) he is completely confused and unwell . I’m not sure which is worse to deal with . He feels we have put him in prison . It’s like kicking a puppy.
How do you know if you have made the right decision ?
I have read posts and can see that others have patents that are far further progressed. How long did you wait ? We all love my dad so much and just want the best for him. The guilt is insane . Have we subjected him to care when he’s better at home ?
He is not at the angry stage -or ringing constantly. I know this is to come and I don’t know how anyone can live with this guilt .
This is extremely long -but any advice would really help as the posts I have read show loved ones much further down the line.
Thank you ,
My dad was diagnosed 19 months ago with Alzheimer’s. We knew he had problems and were expecting ‘this’; however, the reality is now very clear and excruciating.
Have we put our wonderful father in a home too early ?
I’ve read thousands of website advice posts, yet I’m still wracked with guilt and unsure.
In his own home, my wonderful dad (who lived alone) firstly began not to feed himself (he “wasn’t hungry.”) but , other than a little forgetfulness , was fine . He started to struggle with finding the right words, delaying speech a little, and lost his ability to use his mobile phone or remember his post code etc. He had to give up work (his life ) and driving at only 75.
At this point, we arranged carers to give him his breakfast and evening meal. He had a person to take him shopping. 12 months later, his symptoms worsened. This was September this year . He would go to bed at 10pm, only to wake at 1am and think it was morning and stay sat in his living room with his fire on full blast . He lost all concept of time and money . He watched TV without really taking in what was on it -unless prompted. He started colouring child’s colouring books (given to him by us) and craved the attention and praise from this . He carried his box of paints like a prized possession-almost like a security blanket. He became childlike and went to day care -yet was very anxious about when and where he would be picked up . He started occasion hallucinations such as a wedding outside his window or people speaking to him on the TV. We knew he is not ‘ok’ especially when he started to think carers were robbing him or poisoning his food. Still placid and friendly, he stopped bathing. He deteriorated rapidly to this point. This was from Sept to Dec .
For this period, my sister would see my dad daily . She would go shopping with him and supply the carers with food. She would keep him busy every day. Day care was a God send for her -and we increased this from 2 days to 5. Although my dad felt too young for this daycare group, he still went and enjoyed it which gave my sister some much deserved rest.
This left him with evenings free. I would visit , or his ex wife (my mum) or sister. The wandering started. Mainly, I feel, because he woke too early and would walk to church or my sister’s house as he was confused with the time . Sometimes, he would return by himself. Other times, he became lost and the police were called to find him. This did not happen often enough , in my opinion, to put him in a home and call him a risk . Is this because we protected him so much to avoid this or is this not bad enough to warrant him being desperately distraught in a home ?
We had an alarm system fitted so we knew when he left the house -with care call . We had a tracker put in his shoes and a camera in his living room and door.
A few incidents of him wandering meant that we put him in a home for one week . This was because his day care was cancelled and my sister and I could not be there 24-7 just in case he went walkabout. The guilt was immense as this was over Christmas. The week before , we have took turns staying over at his house to make sure he did not wander. It’s impossible to say if he would have if we hadn’t been there .
He is not a well man. However, we have put him in a home for two weeks now and I cannot bare to see him there . He doesn’t understand why he is there (we have told him it is to check his new medication works) and his is constantly trying to leave. Due to Covid , he is locked in the facility and cannot cope with this . He does not understand and thinks he is fine .
My dad has gone downhill rapidly since going in the home . He had a few occasions where the disease was so overwhelming that he couldn’t distinguish between a photo and a book . He cannot hold a phone to his ear and cannot give eye contact . He is distressed as the other residents are very much older than him and can’t communicate with them . My dad is nowhere near this stage of age or infirm and we can have conversations -usually with encouragement - with him. CV19 means we can only window visit (which we have been daily or almost daily) . He tries to leave several times a day and night so they are trying put him on another ward -which I will fight for not to happen.
My concern is that we have put him in a home too early . He is young and cannot make friends or settle with these ‘old people’. We cannot take him out or spend time with him as we always would. That said, as full time workers , my sister and I cannot be with him at his own home all the time and it was overwhelming trying to either stay with him or constantly check the cameras that he hadn’t left his home. I feel that as he got lost only a handful of times , that Id rather he be in his own home . This is unfair on my sister who takes him as her responsibility daily by seeing him and taking him out .
Him being distressed in a home is making the guilt unbearable. I want him at home yet I cannot supply the level of care he needs . I feel that we could cope a little bit longer though -the worry being the strain it puts on personal relationships and work . That said , this guilt is worse . Some days he is lucid and others (since being in the home ) he is completely confused and unwell . I’m not sure which is worse to deal with . He feels we have put him in prison . It’s like kicking a puppy.
How do you know if you have made the right decision ?
I have read posts and can see that others have patents that are far further progressed. How long did you wait ? We all love my dad so much and just want the best for him. The guilt is insane . Have we subjected him to care when he’s better at home ?
He is not at the angry stage -or ringing constantly. I know this is to come and I don’t know how anyone can live with this guilt .
This is extremely long -but any advice would really help as the posts I have read show loved ones much further down the line.
Thank you ,
