1. Flymo

    Flymo Registered User

    Aug 17, 2015
    5
    My mother was diagnosed 3 years ago and her behaviour is gradually becoming worse and more and more aggressive. My dad has been struggling to cope for some time and she is now at the stage where for most of the time she does not recognise anyone and continually asks to go home even though she does not know where home is. This blew over recently and she hit my dad as she was trying to throw him out of the house as she though he was an intruder. She is distressed for most of the time and has no interest in anything.

    Social Services say that my mum cannot go into care as she can take care of her own physical hygiene. However she cannot dress herself without help, eg she puts her socks on back to front, clothes on inside out etc. She cannot really prepare food without help. They have said she should go into a halfway house which will allow her to be independent but with carers at meal times and getting up and going to bed. There is a meeting this week with the social services, her dementia nurse, an independent advocate to discuss further.

    I would be interested in hearing from anyone else with a loved one in one of these facilities. My main concerns are that she will be left on her own and she really needs to be involved in activities to keep her occupied. I can't believe that social services would think it acceptable for her to be on her own for long periods of time.

    Thank you for listening
     
  2. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    Thank goodness you are having a meeting and that you have an independent advocate, I feel so sorry for you all. I don't know what they mean exactly by half way house, I imagine it is some sort of assisted living, but I doubt that your mum will be okay there for long. There is absolutely nothing that says your dad or you has to look after her. Social services are responsible.
    When you have the meeting I would forget about the dressing and cooking because if she can even do those a little tiny bit I can assure you it means her needs are not that great.
    Instead, focus on the aggression and the other behaviour such as not recognising people and wanting to go home. Gather together as many incidents as you possibly can where this has been an issue, they need specific things not general concerns. Write it down, look on the worst side of this, it's horrible to have to do it but necessary.
    Do not be pushed into saying you can do anything at all because if you do it will be leapt upon and assumed that you will do at least ten times as much as you said.
    Let us know how you get on, I think you will get more advice soon!
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,663
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, you need to focus on her behaviour - the way she is constantly distressed, doesnt recognise anyone, getting aggressive, hitting your dad and wanting to go home all the time. Does she try and get out of the house to go home?

    All of these things show that she now needs 24/7 care. Im assuming that she will not be self-funding - it can take a lot to persuade SS that a CH is necessary in these circumstances.
     
  4. curtainsgalore

    curtainsgalore Registered User

    Nov 2, 2014
    46
    Is the half way house secure? If she is at the stage of not recognising her home I would think she would most likely wander if it was not secure. I agree that you must be very truthful with SS that her needs are greater than they believe, and lay it on with a trowel. I told them I was going to leave my mother at 11.00pm as they were not going to get crisis carers in place and we're going to leave me to do it all. With the emergency carers looking after Mum I was able to find a care home really quickly for her. I couldn't have done that with mum in tow, children to look after and a full time job. Good luck
     
  5. Gill C

    Gill C Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    3
    Gill C

    UTI's can also bring on severe distress with similar side effects. I doubt very much that your mums distress will be alleviated simply by separation from those who care about her. If you can identify the cause of the aggression there might well be treatment to stop it.
    You may want to look into medication for depression if your mum isn't already on them. Her behaviour sounds very similar to one of my care partners. The doctor prescribed Citalopram - an anti-depressant which had a greatly beneficial effect on her general well being and also stopped her aggression.


     
  6. Flymo

    Flymo Registered User

    Aug 17, 2015
    5
    Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately I am unable to go to the meeting with my dad but one of my brothers is. I completely agree with the comments about focusing on behaviours rather than what my mum can do and painting the worst picture. There is also the issue of my dad's health. He has lost a lot of weight due to stress and is now 8 stone whereas he should be about 10.

    Social Services carried out a new assessment last week and agreed that my dad could no longer care for my mum and brought up this balfway house. We need to know a lot more about what they are proposing which is why I was hoping that someone else had some experience of this type of setup.

    My mum goes wandering several times a day and always returns (so far). She is on something for depression which my dad slips into her coffee on a daily basis as she refuses to take tablets. When asked if she wants to go into care she very aggressively says no, and she has been asked many times by social services, her dementia nurse and the independent advocate. My poor dad never gets a break as she has refused respite also.
     
  7. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,550
    Female
    London
    Someone who is prone to wandering needs constant supervision. A halfway house, whatever that's supposed to be, will probably not provide this security.
    If your Mum resists a care home, she will most likely resist this either. Assuming she has lost capacity, a best interest decision can override her wishes though, and that's what needs to happen here. If your father cannot look after her anymore and she won't be safe on her own in an assisted place, a care home really sounds like the only option, especially if she is aggressive and depressed.
    Don't let them bully you into accepting anything that isn't suitable.
     
  8. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,287
    SW London
    From what you say about your mum, I can't think that any kind of 'halfway house' would do - it sounds as if she needs 24/7 care and supervision, which she certainly would not get in any assisted living place, no matter how 'assisted' it may be.

    Social services may well be thinking of what is in their own best interests (the cost, that is if they would be paying) rather than your mother's.
     

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