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Had to leave dad in respite care :(

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Dimelza, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    I was so looking forward to collecting him yesterday however I did have this really strange sense of doom beforehand.
    When I arrived he looked so different! Clean, smart, but smaller somehow. He didn't know me as his daughter but happily held my hand and rambled on. They got two people to get him into a wheelchair to bring him out to the car and I didn't think much of it. But then once outside the two managers came racing out to see us.
    They're who I've dealt with from day one and seem genuinely nice.
    "Are you taking Geoff home? How will you manage?" I asked what they meant and dads now incontinent, immobile and more confused than ever. This hasn't been handed over properly to me! That's besides the point though. As we were outside they offered to help him into the car and see how I got on as sometimes they can rally round once home. This didn't happen. So I phoned my brother, cried a lot and agreed to bring him back to the home.
    The managers say as he's hugely constipated and possible UTI that this could most probably be the cause of his immobility. They've already had laxatives, cream for his legs and sleeping pills prescribed (he didn't sleep at all initially) so we will review the situation at the weekend
    I'm so shocked. And I hope to god it's temporary. Miss dad so much.
     
  2. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Wow, what a lovely response from the care home people, asking how you'd manage! Of course you miss your Dad, Dimelza; but never say no to any offer of help.

    Do hope you get better news of him soon, xxx
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,427
    Yorkshire
    #3 Shedrech, Nov 3, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2015
    What a mixed blessing, Dimelza.
    Not the best way to find out, I sympathise.
    However I agree with Chuggalug, what a genuinely caring response from the staff. I hope that helps you in feeling that he is with people who are really supporting and taking care of him.
    I know what you mean about the 'shrinking' - I have a theory that even with me, his daughter, dad was working hard to hold himself together, then in the care home he did relax somewhat and didn't have to try to 'stand tall'. And not being with him all the time, I saw him with new eyes and saw the change in him that had crept up so slowly, I hadn't noticed before.
    Dad too had a horrible experience of constipation, with overflow vomiting that sent him to hospital - he was really out of it for a while, it knocked him back physically and in way more confusion, but they sorted him out and he settled back to how he had been. So I'm really pleased for your dad that the staff have noticed this BEFORE it gets such a hold and are taking measures to help him.
    You're bound to be missing him and be worried and want him home. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself a treat, and take him in a treat for your next visit (one with a good dose of fibre? - no, not really!)
     
  4. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    So here we are on Friday and he's worsened each day. I've forced a gp visit tomorrow as they're still refusing antibiotics. I've also visited another care home for comparison and wow it's so much better! Thinking of moving dad even if it is a temporary deterioration due to infection.
    Feel so emotional about it. Still such a shock how bad he's got in one week.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,427
    Yorkshire
    You poor dear - and your poor dad. Somehow any changes still catch us by surprise - no matter how much we are expecting that situation will deteriorate- odd isn't it.
    You are absolutely right to insist on GP attending - if there is a UTI it must be treated - and you need the peace of mind.
    So it seems the home isn't quite what you'd want for him as a place to settle. Do take your time to find another, though. Visit the one you've found a few times, at different times of day, and unannounced. Is your brother able to go too, so that you can compare notes. I ruled out one home as it had narrow corridors, which may seem petty, but dad doesn't like people close to him when he's walking and would not have coped with constantly brushing against them as they went past. And the décor, of course, is less important than the way staff interact with residents and family.
    Best wishes
     
  6. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    Thanks for the hints!
    Having spent 6+ hours at the home yesterday waiting for a GP I'm definitely moving him. He was in the same chair all that time and complaining of sore bottom. The carer said it was starting to become red but thought it was because he spins around in his bed. Maybe partly.
    Anyway I'm revisiting the one I liked plus a second that gets outstanding rating for care from cqc and has been recommended by a home carer I trust.
    Am I ok to ask about activities for residents plus what action they take to prevent sores and how often they change continence pads.
    Dad asked to go to the toilet yesterday but they said he doesn't go. He certainly did before he was admitted there. He's vastly deteriorated but I'm wondering how much is due to the environment.
     
  7. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    You can ask whatever you like, but remember that the answers they give you will be what "should" happen and won't mean much other than that they know what they ought to be doing.
    There is no way that your dad is responsible for redness on his rear end, if they don't move him in 6 hours that is precisely why he is sore.
    I found it best to engage with as many carers as I could when I looked round places for mum, just to chat, not even about how they cared for people but about whether they liked the home, what their hours were like, where they lived....they let a lot slip and I even discovered in one care home that all the staff were there because they were waiting for their British nursing registrations to come through and then they were off to do the kind of work they really liked. I also witnessed a manager being nasty to a staff member and saw things like filthy linen on the floor (a big no no in the nursing world)

    So go by what you experience as well as what you are told.
     
  8. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    That's really useful thank you :) I did t think he could've caused the sore. I'll mention it again but concerned in case it has a knock on effect!
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,338
    Female
    South coast
    When you go and visit it is often a good idea to turn up without an appointment so that you can go along and see what is happening. Mums CH has a list of activities for the week, so you could turn up when something is supposed to be happening and see what its like.
    Sitting for more than 2 hours without being moved can easily start to give pressure sores :eek: Have they got pressure cushions there? If so, that may help.
     
  10. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,085
    Brazil
    My mother is moved every 2 hours to avoid pressures sore. A red spot can be a pressure sore.
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,427
    Yorkshire
    Oh dear, what a shame they are letting your dad down after all.
    sistermillicent and canary are right - go any time to see a care home, including those busy times that actually are awkward for them eg mealtimes - at dad's care home a family turned up at 7.30pm to look round, harsh, I thought, but they were welcomed in regardless.
    Ask every question you can think of, this will be your father's home and you have every right to check it out carefully. I asked about end of life care, how long the staff worked there, the staff/resident ratio, what they would do if he pee'd in a corner rather than the loo (he had been doing that at home) and anything that came into my head. I watched their reaction to my question as much as listened to their answer. Ask about GP and CPN and DN visits - if the home has a chiropodist involved, and hairdresser. Ask to see a room - see if they ask permission form the occupier. If there are any iffy smells, ask why - don't be immediately put off, there may have been an 'accident' just seconds before, (or eg on my last visit one lady did smell, she had been refusing personal care that day and needed a pad changing, but the staff were regularly trying to help her without agitating her and did succeed 30 mins later - residents are usually neat and tidy and toileted with respect) but do see how it's dealt with.
    Look carefully at the residents, do they appear relaxed in the environment and when staff interact with them.
    Just be nosey.
     
  12. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    You're all so helpful! I'm getting dad assessed for the new home tomorrow. Hoping to move ASAP. Very happy with it. Sorry so abrupt but it's a hard emotional time. I'm struggling a lot xx
     
  13. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    If you are happy with the new home it might be worth explaining to the manager how you managed prior to respite at home and that he was continent and mobile and that is what you are aiming for so that they are really clear that they need to encourage his independence as much as possible. Good luck and do let us know how things are going. This is a really tough time for you and sharing might make it easier xx
     
  14. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,427
    Yorkshire
    I'm pleased for you that you are able to move forward, Dimelza.
    Hope to hear more when you have the energy and time to update us.
     
  15. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    Sorry I'm such a sporadic poster I really have so little spare time.
    Dads settled into the new care home well. However it's become apparent that the assumed UTI that the last home failed to have treated was much more than that.
    Dads still unable to mobilise, still doubly incontinent, more incoherent and uncomprehending each day.
    On Wednesday afternoon I went to visit him as CMHT were doing an assessment prior to his consultant appt next week and he was completely unresponsive. He remained like this for 90 minutes, eyes closed sat bolt upright in a wheelchair (as he'd been planned to have a shower). Suddenly he vomited violently, then his eyes opened. He was still very bleary and could only have tiny sips of water. GP came out and reckon UTI again! We think a TIA. As he slept solidly and by Thursday he was more or less back to how he'd been an hour before the episode.
    I'm coming to terms with the fact he won't be coming home now. I miss him so much and once again I'm back to having to split myself into 3 with full time work, young children at home and dad elsewhere. But I can't stop visiting every day. I couldn't get yesterday due to middle child coming to a&e from an incident at school and feel terribly sad that I didn't see him.
     
  16. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    So sorry about your dad's downturn, Dimelza. I can understand how you will want to see him each day, but please be careful not to wear yourself out. It can happen without you realising, so do take care. I hope your dad shows some improvement, it must be so distressing for you.
     
  17. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,427
    Yorkshire
    Hi Dimelza - good to get your update.
    It sounds as if you are happy with the new home, though sad to read of your dad's current situation.
    He does appear to be being well looked after, so please consider what sleepless has suggested. You really do need to give plenty of your time and energy to your young children, who can't cope without you - and my guess is that your dad would agree. Maybe visit every other day, and call the home for an update on the day you don't visit - or have a clear agreement that they will call you under circumstances you agree on. I appreciate you must want to keep an eye on him and be with him, but you must take care of yourself or something will give.
    Sorry not trying to ruin your peace of mind - just remember your well being is important to all your family.
     
  18. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    130
    Thank you both, you've made me think about it and yes, I'm very happy with the CH so I do need to slacken off. I barely see another visitor so I'm clearly in the minority ☺️
    In reality I won't have time to go today but his sister is going this morning then coming over for dinner so I'll "allow myself" a day off. They're really good at calling me so I've no concerns there but I'll mention it next time I go.
    It's upsetting and disappointing and so sad that there's no longer even a glimmer of recognition in dads face, he really seems to wonder why I'm there with him from his facial expressions and mannerisms. I knew it'd come as we'd got to the stage where he knew he knew me but not why.
    I need to find an outlet for the anger I have too about the injustice of it all. That's more of an issue than I realised, never cried so many tears of upset and frustration before!
     

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