Hi,
Just wanted to share that I had a moment yesterday. I was in the local town at lunch and saw some people in wheelchairs being pushed by young girls and being looked at by passers-by. That really upset me (tearful) because my Mum would have been like that when she was taken out. What's more, it pained me because the life and things I should have had with my Mum were things she ended up having with young carers. That really hurt because its something my Mum and I would have really enjoyed.
I keep coming across things like this and finding myself more aware of the things we didn't have and how completely ignorant I am of the life she had in her last 6 years in the carehome. I know I visited but I worried about her health and her wellbeing more than how her day to day life was. It often saddened me when I visited her to see her just sitting in a chair watching all going on around her. She was so on her own, so away from me and dad. It's just heartbreaking now.
It's as if now the 'mist' of the illness is lifting and all the turmoil it caused that wrapped me into the ball of frenzied emotions is ending, as my mind is unravelling from it all, I am beginning to 'see' my Mum again for who she was and I am learning and becoming more and more aware of what her life was like and how barriered we both were from each other. It's so, so cruel. I feel so, so robbed.
And, my Dad and I are sorting through her things now. As we do and as we come across things, I am remembering her when she was at home. I'm remembering my relationship with her then and I am also learning from my Dad how she was when she was at home with him day in, day out. Again, I find myself so ignorant of her life even then because I was so wrapped up in the one I had with my ex at that time. Her mental illnesses from way back (before I was born) affected her so that she didn't really share with me what she had been doing when I visited her at home. I have met so many people since she died who are telling me about her life and their times with her. I didn't realise how much people looked out for her and looked after her to be honest and how many freinds she had and how she touched them. Her neighbour for example, would walk with her to the local shops and they would sit and chat, etc. Just this simple stuff and I never knew about it. I feel there is so much her illnesses barriered us from. So many things I know I would have loved to have shared with her. Things that most mothers and daughters just 'take for granted'. Heart wrenching now as I become more and more aware of these things.
And people are telling me how she was before she was ever ill (I never knew her then). That's really hard and I feel robbed. I should know her in this way more than anyone. This is hard and I feel envious of those people who tell me their stories. I almost want them to stop at times because I start to feel so upset and riled inside.
Is this awareness thing something anyone has experienced following the loss of Mum and/or Dad?
It's as if it's all happened too late now to do anything about it. How to accept all these things I am now learning about and becoming aware of is something else I must find a way to do.
At 45yrs, I don't feel too young to have gone through so much and missed so much but guess people go through all kinds of things and there isn't a right age for anything. Life has no sense and no timing. The trick I guess is to accept it ... it's all mapped out somewhere.
Authona ... x
Just wanted to share that I had a moment yesterday. I was in the local town at lunch and saw some people in wheelchairs being pushed by young girls and being looked at by passers-by. That really upset me (tearful) because my Mum would have been like that when she was taken out. What's more, it pained me because the life and things I should have had with my Mum were things she ended up having with young carers. That really hurt because its something my Mum and I would have really enjoyed.
I keep coming across things like this and finding myself more aware of the things we didn't have and how completely ignorant I am of the life she had in her last 6 years in the carehome. I know I visited but I worried about her health and her wellbeing more than how her day to day life was. It often saddened me when I visited her to see her just sitting in a chair watching all going on around her. She was so on her own, so away from me and dad. It's just heartbreaking now.
It's as if now the 'mist' of the illness is lifting and all the turmoil it caused that wrapped me into the ball of frenzied emotions is ending, as my mind is unravelling from it all, I am beginning to 'see' my Mum again for who she was and I am learning and becoming more and more aware of what her life was like and how barriered we both were from each other. It's so, so cruel. I feel so, so robbed.
And, my Dad and I are sorting through her things now. As we do and as we come across things, I am remembering her when she was at home. I'm remembering my relationship with her then and I am also learning from my Dad how she was when she was at home with him day in, day out. Again, I find myself so ignorant of her life even then because I was so wrapped up in the one I had with my ex at that time. Her mental illnesses from way back (before I was born) affected her so that she didn't really share with me what she had been doing when I visited her at home. I have met so many people since she died who are telling me about her life and their times with her. I didn't realise how much people looked out for her and looked after her to be honest and how many freinds she had and how she touched them. Her neighbour for example, would walk with her to the local shops and they would sit and chat, etc. Just this simple stuff and I never knew about it. I feel there is so much her illnesses barriered us from. So many things I know I would have loved to have shared with her. Things that most mothers and daughters just 'take for granted'. Heart wrenching now as I become more and more aware of these things.
And people are telling me how she was before she was ever ill (I never knew her then). That's really hard and I feel robbed. I should know her in this way more than anyone. This is hard and I feel envious of those people who tell me their stories. I almost want them to stop at times because I start to feel so upset and riled inside.
Is this awareness thing something anyone has experienced following the loss of Mum and/or Dad?
It's as if it's all happened too late now to do anything about it. How to accept all these things I am now learning about and becoming aware of is something else I must find a way to do.
At 45yrs, I don't feel too young to have gone through so much and missed so much but guess people go through all kinds of things and there isn't a right age for anything. Life has no sense and no timing. The trick I guess is to accept it ... it's all mapped out somewhere.
Authona ... x
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