Had a moment y'day - upsetting

[Authona]

Hi,

Just wanted to share that I had a moment yesterday. I was in the local town at lunch and saw some people in wheelchairs being pushed by young girls and being looked at by passers-by. That really upset me (tearful) because my Mum would have been like that when she was taken out. What's more, it pained me because the life and things I should have had with my Mum were things she ended up having with young carers. That really hurt because its something my Mum and I would have really enjoyed.

I keep coming across things like this and finding myself more aware of the things we didn't have and how completely ignorant I am of the life she had in her last 6 years in the carehome. I know I visited but I worried about her health and her wellbeing more than how her day to day life was. It often saddened me when I visited her to see her just sitting in a chair watching all going on around her. She was so on her own, so away from me and dad. It's just heartbreaking now.

It's as if now the 'mist' of the illness is lifting and all the turmoil it caused that wrapped me into the ball of frenzied emotions is ending, as my mind is unravelling from it all, I am beginning to 'see' my Mum again for who she was and I am learning and becoming more and more aware of what her life was like and how barriered we both were from each other. It's so, so cruel. I feel so, so robbed.

And, my Dad and I are sorting through her things now. As we do and as we come across things, I am remembering her when she was at home. I'm remembering my relationship with her then and I am also learning from my Dad how she was when she was at home with him day in, day out. Again, I find myself so ignorant of her life even then because I was so wrapped up in the one I had with my ex at that time. Her mental illnesses from way back (before I was born) affected her so that she didn't really share with me what she had been doing when I visited her at home. I have met so many people since she died who are telling me about her life and their times with her. I didn't realise how much people looked out for her and looked after her to be honest and how many freinds she had and how she touched them. Her neighbour for example, would walk with her to the local shops and they would sit and chat, etc. Just this simple stuff and I never knew about it. I feel there is so much her illnesses barriered us from. So many things I know I would have loved to have shared with her. Things that most mothers and daughters just 'take for granted'. Heart wrenching now as I become more and more aware of these things.

And people are telling me how she was before she was ever ill (I never knew her then). That's really hard and I feel robbed. I should know her in this way more than anyone. This is hard and I feel envious of those people who tell me their stories. I almost want them to stop at times because I start to feel so upset and riled inside.

Is this awareness thing something anyone has experienced following the loss of Mum and/or Dad?

It's as if it's all happened too late now to do anything about it. How to accept all these things I am now learning about and becoming aware of is something else I must find a way to do.

At 45yrs, I don't feel too young to have gone through so much and missed so much but guess people go through all kinds of things and there isn't a right age for anything. Life has no sense and no timing. The trick I guess is to accept it ... it's all mapped out somewhere.

Authona ... x

 

[snedds57]

Hi Authona, I think we all experience these moments of regret when we are grieving for someone. Hindsight is always 20/20 vision and I remember after my dad died that I promised I would make the most of my mum, and my partner, and my children, and my friends when going through a similar retrospective of where I might have done things better. Three years on my life is back to it's usual juggle of work, home, family etc and I have forgotten these promises to some extent. I don't go to see my mum as often as I probably should and working full time, I find the weekends are taken up with domestic chores which, if I am HONEST with myself, could probably wait another day! I think we are all running about all over the place, families are often scattered and we fill our time. If families lived nearer each other - like in the olden days - I think burdens of care would be shared more equally and we would all suffer less guilt about things we did or didn't do. I think you are right about the trick being to accept things - there is no value in worrying about stuff in the past we have no ability to change.

 

[creativesarah]

Hi Authona
what you are going through is very normal and part of the grieving process
My mum was a very private person and suffered from depression as well as cancer
She died at 51, I was 24, my sister 19 (she had brought her wedding forward but my mum died 10 days before the wedding)
I often hear people talking about thier aged parents and wonder what life would have been like if she had lived
I never heard my mum play the piano (she could!)
on the last time we went out for a short walk we passed a synagogue and I said to my mum I wonder what it says on the inscription on the wall (my dad had a flat in the east end of London) and she read it in Hebrew and then translated it (we were'nt jewish!)
When I read the letters sent after she died it made me think I didn't know her very well althogh I did look after her a lot in her last few months
We had one glorious time when we got snowed in together for 10 days in rural suffolk
Oh dear i feel like crying now!
I will try and find this poem that really helped me and share it with you later
Love and support Sarah

 

[HelenMG]

Hi Authona,
It is funny how looking after our loved one sometimes means we miss out on some important stuff too. But we are dealing with other important stuff at the same time. And life does throw us hard paths to follow sometimes. I always felt like I was on a constantly moving train or boat and couldn't step off to deal with some things but had to keep going forward, not looking back, but dealing with what was constantly coming along. I think tho, that we are not meant to know everything about our parents, and they dont always know everything about us, but that does not diminish the great love we can feel for each other, none the less. We all have other things and people in our lives that are unique to us.
I know too the grief and heartach of thinking I could havr, should havr done things differently but others here have helped me to come to terms with my grief and loss.
A big hug for you during this sad and diffficult time.
Helenx