Hello,
I resorted to a Google search to help me with my decision and thankfully it lead me to this group.
My mother was diagnosed around 2021 yet we saw dementia creeping in at least 3 years before that. We knew the signs due to my grandmother suffering this horrible desease. My father was managing fine both living a fairly normal life up until Feb this year when he suffered a severe stroke. My mum went downhill very quickly and finally became very difficult and aggressive to both myself, my father who is now disabled and any carers involved.
Previous to this in 2022 my young family decided to move back to Spain where my husband is from. We bought a house with a granny flat attached for my parents to visit for 3 month periods, we knew at some point in the future my mother would need full time time care and it’s cheaper/better in Spain and at least my dad would be close to us.
When my father had the stroke they were visiting us so they spent 5 months with me and my family, the end was very difficult and really affected my young daughters and myself due to my mums worsening symtoms, they saw things from their granny they shouldn’t have seen and I was ill due to the constant chaos of trying to look after her, my dad and still working full time.
Eventually I got them back to England in July to get the correct health checks and support, both had to go into a care home, my dad got out a week later once his house was adapted to his mobility. My mum spent a month there, until I returned to the UK to visit and try to sort out the situation. It was awful the home was not equipped for her now severe level of dementia she was so violent, chaotic and didn’t wash or sleep.
I organised a live in Carer to support them both, I got my mum home, settled, she was much more relaxed and the Carer began, she was very experienced and lovely with them both. She lasted 4 days until my mum had a bad day and she had to ring the crisis team to protect her, my dad and the safety of my mum.
They sectioned her and she is now in a great placement in a specialized hospital. However my dilema now is I can not bring her to live in a home in Spain as I always envisaged. My dad is at home alone with a live in Carer which is too expensive to maintain for a long time and I am in Spain with my family. My dad is visiting for 3 weeks now and plans to visit regularly but will need a lot of support when here.
My question is how do I deal with the guilt. We are currently all separate the majority of the time and all so unhappy.
We bought our house and I work in a school, my children have just settled and are only 4 & 7 I can’t keep moving them and I can’t leave them and my husband often. I am the main bread winner and I need to earn as we have a lot of outgoings.
Am I wrong to put my little family first and stay in Spain?
Do I move us all back so I can visit my mum, and I help my dad. I haven’t see her since august! I’m taking my dad home in 3 weeks and will see her then for a few days, I’m so torn and so sad. This is not the dream we worked for years to have, we had the dream for 7 months, my parents spent 3 wonderful months with us before my dads stroke.
My parents are wonderful and we’ve always been so close! They’ve done everything with us they’ve helped raise my children, now I don’t even know when my children will be able to see my mum again! They don’t allow children in her ward.
We return at Christmas to visit again all together.
Realistically if I decide to move back it can’t be until July when the school year finishes. My mum is declining quickly. It’s all just so sad!
Any advice? Did you make huge life changing decisions for your sick family member? Did you regret not doing it?
I resorted to a Google search to help me with my decision and thankfully it lead me to this group.
My mother was diagnosed around 2021 yet we saw dementia creeping in at least 3 years before that. We knew the signs due to my grandmother suffering this horrible desease. My father was managing fine both living a fairly normal life up until Feb this year when he suffered a severe stroke. My mum went downhill very quickly and finally became very difficult and aggressive to both myself, my father who is now disabled and any carers involved.
Previous to this in 2022 my young family decided to move back to Spain where my husband is from. We bought a house with a granny flat attached for my parents to visit for 3 month periods, we knew at some point in the future my mother would need full time time care and it’s cheaper/better in Spain and at least my dad would be close to us.
When my father had the stroke they were visiting us so they spent 5 months with me and my family, the end was very difficult and really affected my young daughters and myself due to my mums worsening symtoms, they saw things from their granny they shouldn’t have seen and I was ill due to the constant chaos of trying to look after her, my dad and still working full time.
Eventually I got them back to England in July to get the correct health checks and support, both had to go into a care home, my dad got out a week later once his house was adapted to his mobility. My mum spent a month there, until I returned to the UK to visit and try to sort out the situation. It was awful the home was not equipped for her now severe level of dementia she was so violent, chaotic and didn’t wash or sleep.
I organised a live in Carer to support them both, I got my mum home, settled, she was much more relaxed and the Carer began, she was very experienced and lovely with them both. She lasted 4 days until my mum had a bad day and she had to ring the crisis team to protect her, my dad and the safety of my mum.
They sectioned her and she is now in a great placement in a specialized hospital. However my dilema now is I can not bring her to live in a home in Spain as I always envisaged. My dad is at home alone with a live in Carer which is too expensive to maintain for a long time and I am in Spain with my family. My dad is visiting for 3 weeks now and plans to visit regularly but will need a lot of support when here.
My question is how do I deal with the guilt. We are currently all separate the majority of the time and all so unhappy.
We bought our house and I work in a school, my children have just settled and are only 4 & 7 I can’t keep moving them and I can’t leave them and my husband often. I am the main bread winner and I need to earn as we have a lot of outgoings.
Am I wrong to put my little family first and stay in Spain?
Do I move us all back so I can visit my mum, and I help my dad. I haven’t see her since august! I’m taking my dad home in 3 weeks and will see her then for a few days, I’m so torn and so sad. This is not the dream we worked for years to have, we had the dream for 7 months, my parents spent 3 wonderful months with us before my dads stroke.
My parents are wonderful and we’ve always been so close! They’ve done everything with us they’ve helped raise my children, now I don’t even know when my children will be able to see my mum again! They don’t allow children in her ward.
We return at Christmas to visit again all together.
Realistically if I decide to move back it can’t be until July when the school year finishes. My mum is declining quickly. It’s all just so sad!
Any advice? Did you make huge life changing decisions for your sick family member? Did you regret not doing it?
