Guilt & disappointment

[Anthoula]

I have just returned from a 2 week holiday abroad while OH was in a lovely care home for 3 weeks. From the outset it had been agreed that the care home and social services would only contact me in a dire emergency, but because well meaning folk/ friends where I was staying kept asking after OH and how he was settling I emailed the care home a few times. Each time I was told that OH was settling fairly well, although he refused to join in with any activities. So, being able to have a much needed break from my caring role one would naturally have expected that I would relax and enjoy my freedom, but I couldn`t and didn`t. I felt so guilty for going away even though I knew, only too well, how much my health was suffering. In fact whilst I was away I had a very unpleasant bout of sinusitis which I was told was caused by the, very much necessary, air conditioning, and is still affecting me.

Now, both OH and I are home again and I am full of guilt and disappointment. I can not shake the feeling of wanting to blame OH for me not having the relaxing time I`d hoped for, and for having to pick up the sole caring baton again.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Anthoula,

I hope you feel better soon. I remember the guilt I had when dad went into respite and when he went in permanently. You do need a break from so I think you should plan more respite and try and tell yourself that your both going on holiday. This is a very sad disease and I am so sorry that you suffered from sinusitis whilst you were away. You are doing a wonderful job caring for your OH and you need a break.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[jennifer1967]

I have just returned from a 2 week holiday abroad while OH was in a lovely care home for 3 weeks. From the outset it had been agreed that the care home and social services would only contact me in a dire emergency, but because well meaning folk/ friends where I was staying kept asking after OH and how he was settling I emailed the care home a few times. Each time I was told that OH was settling fairly well, although he refused to join in with any activities. So, being able to have a much needed break from my caring role one would naturally have expected that I would relax and enjoy my freedom, but I couldn`t and didn`t. I felt so guilty for going away even though I knew, only too well, how much my health was suffering. In fact whilst I was away I had a very unpleasant bout of sinusitis which I was told was caused by the, very much necessary, air conditioning, and is still affecting me.

Now, both OH and I are home again and I am full of guilt and disappointment. I can not shake the feeling of wanting to blame OH for me not having the relaxing time I`d hoped for, and for having to pick up the sole caring baton again.

how was he otherwise? its an anti-climax of having to come home and start again. probably need more practice of breaks and looking after your own needs.

 

[Collywobbles]

Sounds like there are some points to note for the next holiday you take - and you certainly should.

1) Don’t tell the folks where you’re staying about your husband’s exact circumstances, then they won’t keep asking after him. You can be you on holiday - you don’t need to be identified as a carer. My aunt and uncle used to holiday separately because they had very different hobbies (fishing with friends in Scotland vs tennis & wine with friends in the Med!), so this is perfectly normal. Just tell folks that much. After all, he’s having as much of a break from daily life as you are.

2) Don’t email the care home for updates. You have a very good communication plan in place. Don’t allow it to be derailed by other people, however well-meaning. You set the rules and you don’t have to please or satisfy others. It’s an instinct when you’ve been a carer for a while and people-pleasing does take practice to switch off.

3) And - I hope you might excuse my presumption - don’t use those well-meaning people as a reason to break out of the communication plan, however tempting that might be. It really is a good plan.

4) It takes weeks or months for a PWD to settle in a residential home and be inclined to join in group activities. I think maybe expecting this to happen in a fortnight was a bit unrealistic. He was safe and cared for and settled, which is far better than many new residents.

5) Switching off your carer’s head will take time and practice. You’re used to living with a certain level of adrenaline and anticipation. These get hard-wired into the way your brain and body operate. You deserve a break that your system doesn’t immediately want to allow you when you go away. Perhaps next time you could make an agreement with that part of you that the first week you’ll still be ‘on standby’, but the second week you’ll expect to relax.

I know the Guilt Monster has you in its grip just now (disappointment is another of its tricks), but stepping back, I hope you can eventually see this was actually a very successful dry run for the next holiday. Which I recommend you start planning right now. It will work for you - and your OH - in the end.

 

[Anthoula]

Dear @Anthoula,

I hope you feel better soon. I remember the guilt I had when dad went into respite and when he went in permanently. You do need a break from so I think you should plan more respite and try and tell yourself that your both going on holiday. This is a very sad disease and I am so sorry that you suffered from sinusitis whilst you were away. You are doing a wonderful job caring for your OH and you need a break.

Hugs

MaNaAk

Thank you. I guess I had higher expectations than were realistic.

 

[Anthoula]

Sounds like there are some points to note for the next holiday you take - and you certainly should.

1) Don’t tell the folks where you’re staying about your husband’s exact circumstances, then they won’t keep asking after him. You can be you on holiday - you don’t need to be identified as a carer. My aunt and uncle used to holiday separately because they had very different hobbies (fishing with friends in Scotland vs tennis & wine with friends in the Med!), so this is perfectly normal. Just tell folks that much. After all, he’s having as much of a break from daily life as you are.

2) Don’t email the care home for updates. You have a very good communication plan in place. Don’t allow it to be derailed by other people, however well-meaning. You set the rules and you don’t have to please or satisfy others. It’s an instinct when you’ve been a carer for a while and people-pleasing does take practice to switch off.

3) And - I hope you might excuse my presumption - don’t use those well-meaning people as a reason to break out of the communication plan, however tempting that might be. It really is a good plan.

4) It takes weeks or months for a PWD to settle in a residential home and be inclined to join in group activities. I think maybe expecting this to happen in a fortnight was a bit unrealistic. He was safe and cared for and settled, which is far better than many new residents.

5) Switching off your carer’s head will take time and practice. You’re used to living with a certain level of adrenaline and anticipation. These get hard-wired into the way your brain and body operate. You deserve a break that your system doesn’t immediately want to allow you when you go away. Perhaps next time you could make an agreement with that part of you that the first week you’ll still be ‘on standby’, but the second week you’ll expect to relax.

I know the Guilt Monster has you in its grip just now (disappointment is another of its tricks), but stepping back, I hope you can eventually see this was actually a very successful dry run for the next holiday. Which I recommend you start planning right now. It will work for you - and your OH - in the end.

Thank you for all your advice.

 

[Anthoula]

how was he otherwise? its an anti-climax of having to come home and start again. probably need more practice of breaks and looking after your own needs.

More practise sounds a great idea.

 

[Alisongs]

Sounds like there are some points to note for the next holiday you take - and you certainly should.

1) Don’t tell the folks where you’re staying about your husband’s exact circumstances, then they won’t keep asking after him. You can be you on holiday - you don’t need to be identified as a carer. My aunt and uncle used to holiday separately because they had very different hobbies (fishing with friends in Scotland vs tennis & wine with friends in the Med!), so this is perfectly normal. Just tell folks that much. After all, he’s having as much of a break from daily life as you are.

2) Don’t email the care home for updates. You have a very good communication plan in place. Don’t allow it to be derailed by other people, however well-meaning. You set the rules and you don’t have to please or satisfy others. It’s an instinct when you’ve been a carer for a while and people-pleasing does take practice to switch off.

3) And - I hope you might excuse my presumption - don’t use those well-meaning people as a reason to break out of the communication plan, however tempting that might be. It really is a good plan.

4) It takes weeks or months for a PWD to settle in a residential home and be inclined to join in group activities. I think maybe expecting this to happen in a fortnight was a bit unrealistic. He was safe and cared for and settled, which is far better than many new residents.

5) Switching off your carer’s head will take time and practice. You’re used to living with a certain level of adrenaline and anticipation. These get hard-wired into the way your brain and body operate. You deserve a break that your system doesn’t immediately want to allow you when you go away. Perhaps next time you could make an agreement with that part of you that the first week you’ll still be ‘on standby’, but the second week you’ll expect to relax.

I know the Guilt Monster has you in its grip just now (disappointment is another of its tricks), but stepping back, I hope you can eventually see this was actually a very successful dry run for the next holiday. Which I recommend you start planning right now. It will work for you - and your OH - in the end.

Brilliant advice

 

[Anthoula]

Brilliant advice

Not that brilliant. Rather patronising actually.

 

[Collywobbles]

Not that brilliant. Rather patronising actually.

I apologise.

 

[Anthoula]

I apologise.

Thank you.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Anthoula,

I hope you're feeling better. I just want to say that when dad went into the home for respite I remember going back home and then going to have lunch on the cliffs. As I was enjoying lunch the care home phoned and at that point I froze because I thought that the respite was failing. We had got to the point where care agencies were having trouble with him. Anyway all they wanted was to ask whether he could Fish and Chips! I was so relieved! I had been advised by Dementia Friends not to visit for two weeks but to let other family members visit instead. This worked well and when I came to collect dad he didn't want to leave! Please please look after yourself you deserve it.

MaNaAk

 

[Anthoula]

Dear @Anthoula,

I hope you're feeling better. I just want to say that when dad went into the home for respite I remember going back home and then going to have lunch on the cliffs. As I was enjoying lunch the care home phoned and at that point I froze because I thought that the respite was failing. We had got to the point where care agencies were having trouble with him. Anyway all they wanted was to ask whether he could Fish and Chips! I was so relieved! I had been advised by Dementia Friends not to visit for two weeks but to let other family members visit instead. This worked well and when I came to collect dad he didn't want to leave! Please please look after yourself you deserve it.

MaNaAk

Thank you. Life certainly isn`t easy some days.