Hi all, i haven't posted here for a while but thought i would as things have become quite difficult of late.
this weekend by dad was put into hospital by the care home as his condition had deterioted.
unfortunately i live quite a way away and run a business so i only manage to see him once a month at a weekend. the last time i saw him was about three weeks ago and he wasn't the best. he couldn't really walk but was able to smile occasionally (he always does) and his eyes still were alive. it was still distressing though.
yesterday on hearing the news i made my way to the hospital with sisters and mum, one sister of which has been looking after him alot as she lives close by. i can't thank her enough for this.
i was very nervous about this but thought i could handle it. as we came to the ward my mum got out of her wheelchair. whilst she was doing this i was looking about for dad. there was only one obvious person in there who it could be, but i didn't recognise him. lying there, mouth wide open, eyes shut, teeth blackened, extremely frail. i had to do a double take as my head couldn't take in what i was seeing.
i tried to be brave and went over with everyone. my sisters being alot older seemed able to cope better, my mum too, but in front of everyone in the ward i couldn't control my grief and i began to cry. i had to face the wall for ages so no-oen could see but i suppose it was quite obvious. the problem with the ward is it's not private and everyone there was quite healthy(ish) in comparison.
eventually i got it together and sat beside him. every now and again he'd open his eyes and look vacantly at me. my sister who comes regularly is the only one he can recognise as 'being there' for him now.
as i sat there he started shaking, his knee would jump up, his hands shake, usually if he was asleep, like a bad dream. but it's more likely his brain causing this.
after two hours i had to leave and said goodbye. it felt like the last and to be honest, the family are now talking about 'resting places'. i go on holiday in two weeks but luckily i have travel insurance. but what to do?
i cried all the way home on and off as thoughts drifted in and out of my extremely slow car journey. almost like the road wasn't there anymore. thoughts of what ifs and why didn't i pay more attention to his strories instead of struggling to get away half the time. all these questions i'll never know the answer to.
and i blame myself. living too far away to help so burdening my sister, not knowing how to react when with him anyway, too scared to have taken him out when he was ill anyway because i just couldn't handle the problem of his dementia (but i did a few times and in hindsight it was great).
there's nothing i can do i know, it's just it helps to get it out in the open.
my dad was the perfect gentleman, the perfect role model. seeing him lying there like that kills me. but i'm determined to go again this week. but what about holiday? should i go if he's still holding on? i don't know what to do about that because it seems unfair me off on holiday and my dad laying there in the condition i saw him in....
this weekend by dad was put into hospital by the care home as his condition had deterioted.
unfortunately i live quite a way away and run a business so i only manage to see him once a month at a weekend. the last time i saw him was about three weeks ago and he wasn't the best. he couldn't really walk but was able to smile occasionally (he always does) and his eyes still were alive. it was still distressing though.
yesterday on hearing the news i made my way to the hospital with sisters and mum, one sister of which has been looking after him alot as she lives close by. i can't thank her enough for this.
i was very nervous about this but thought i could handle it. as we came to the ward my mum got out of her wheelchair. whilst she was doing this i was looking about for dad. there was only one obvious person in there who it could be, but i didn't recognise him. lying there, mouth wide open, eyes shut, teeth blackened, extremely frail. i had to do a double take as my head couldn't take in what i was seeing.
i tried to be brave and went over with everyone. my sisters being alot older seemed able to cope better, my mum too, but in front of everyone in the ward i couldn't control my grief and i began to cry. i had to face the wall for ages so no-oen could see but i suppose it was quite obvious. the problem with the ward is it's not private and everyone there was quite healthy(ish) in comparison.
eventually i got it together and sat beside him. every now and again he'd open his eyes and look vacantly at me. my sister who comes regularly is the only one he can recognise as 'being there' for him now.
as i sat there he started shaking, his knee would jump up, his hands shake, usually if he was asleep, like a bad dream. but it's more likely his brain causing this.
after two hours i had to leave and said goodbye. it felt like the last and to be honest, the family are now talking about 'resting places'. i go on holiday in two weeks but luckily i have travel insurance. but what to do?
i cried all the way home on and off as thoughts drifted in and out of my extremely slow car journey. almost like the road wasn't there anymore. thoughts of what ifs and why didn't i pay more attention to his strories instead of struggling to get away half the time. all these questions i'll never know the answer to.
and i blame myself. living too far away to help so burdening my sister, not knowing how to react when with him anyway, too scared to have taken him out when he was ill anyway because i just couldn't handle the problem of his dementia (but i did a few times and in hindsight it was great).
there's nothing i can do i know, it's just it helps to get it out in the open.
my dad was the perfect gentleman, the perfect role model. seeing him lying there like that kills me. but i'm determined to go again this week. but what about holiday? should i go if he's still holding on? i don't know what to do about that because it seems unfair me off on holiday and my dad laying there in the condition i saw him in....