Groundhog day

[Petrina]

Well, you can guess what this is about if you've heard of the film. I admit I haven't seen it, just know the title.

I'm struggling to learn ways of dealing with the repetitions.

The problem. Dad doesn't get on with new technology. If it's electrical, he'll struggle. He always did feel uncomfortable with it, even before the dementia, but I think he overplayed it, because it was a jolly good excuse to get Mum to use the microwave, the iron, the answering machine etc.

He coped with his old mobile phone, but that's because somehow he'd managed to programme in half a dozen usual numbers that would respond to voice commands. You know the sort of thing - you say "taxi" and it dials the local taxi company.

Then last year, his mobile died and he got a new one. I helped him to get to grips with it, but he was often far too impatient, stabbing his fingers at it at random, though somehow he made it work when he was away from home alone and really wanted to.

However, now he can't make it work. The jab button at random problem has grown worse. I've put in a shortcut button so to call me, he only has to press two buttons, ditto the taxi firm. Each time he complains his mobile doesn't work, I look at it and find he's changed loads of settings. I reset it and he gets annoyed and I get annoyed and I try not to be annoyed but I resent it.

It's the same with the television. He's now got a digital television with a simple controller. I know that he knows how to use the controller, but he gets agitated about losing channels. Every day, we go through the same saga. I won't bore you with how many times I've tried to explain it all to him. Part of the problem is that we went to a dementia café meeting and they did a talk on the switchover, so I have to keep explaining it to him because he won't believe me. It doesn't help that he's got an indoor aerial and isn't on high ground. He can't understand why the television might need retuning again after the big switchover. It doesn't matter how many times I explain to him that retuning the television on the switchover doesn't mean you never have to retune it, he doesn't believe me and keeps going on about what we were told at the café about just retuning it on the relevant dates and that being that.

I have reached the point of trying to cut it all short with saying that we've been through it before and he needs a digital aerial and all I can do every time he loses a channel is to adjust the settings. But he argues and argues and argues.

I can try to resolve the television thing by getting a new aerial and I've also switched off the on-screen message about detecting new channels, but it's the underlying relationship that's bugging me.

I can cope with him forgetting, but he's so demanding and abusive. This thing of hitting buttons at random is partly desperation on his part, but it's also partly self-destructive. "I've ruined it so now you must help me."

There has to be some sort of verbal formula I can use in relation to gadgets that gets the message across that I can't magically make everything work the way he wants and that I can't override the problems that result from his memory problems.

Any ideas and/or sympathy?

(And I need strength today because I'm taking Dad out this afternoon!)

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Petrina

I can`t give you advice but can give shedloads of sympathy.

From the time my husband gave our granddaughter the TV remote and asked her to phone me, when she visited unexpectedly and I was out, it was downhill all the way as far as his independence with the TV and phone were concerned.

All he managed to do after then was answer the phone if I went out and left it by his chair.

Sorry to sound negative but all the explanations in the world are unlikely to help your dad manage new equipment.

I wish I had an answer for you, I really do.

 

[Petrina]

Fortified by a good afternoon out with my father, I feel better able to deal with this, and your sympathy is good to come home to.

I actually got a smile out of Dad's forgetting this afternoon as it struck me that more and more I'll tell him something and then five or ten minutes later he'll tell me the same thing which apparently he read or heard somewhere. I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping a straight face and don't let on that it's me he heard it from.

Dementia stirs up so much, doesn't it? I think I shall start another thread later about something on that, but I don't want to go off on a tangent on this thread.

I don't suppose anyone can offer much except sympathy on the technology thing, but maybe others will read it and know they're not alone.

Maybe the remote/phone/mobile thing will get easier if he reaches a stage of not being aware he doesn't know how to use them.

 

[reno]

Hi there

You've posted before on my thread about TVs and remote controls. My mum is *still* managing to turn off the digi box in between visits and I've NO idea how she's doing it.

Petrina - like you I tried loads of things. Putting stickers on the TV, leaving an instruction note stuck to the sitting room table and, of course, explaining explaining explaining ... But now I've realised that explanation is no good any more. I've accepted the fact that she now cannot operate a TV any more. If I visit, I'll turn it on again so at least she will be able to watch it that night.

Reading your post I do feel that you are banging your head against a brick wall with all the explaining that you are doing to your dad. I wonder why you are putting so much energy into that when, as you say "no matter how many times I try to explain ..."

There's a point where you need to give up explaining and go along the path of least resistance. I no longer try to explain to my mum that her neighbour does not work for MI5 nor that her young Polish carer could have been alive during the war and shared the same experiences as a Polish friend of hers. There is no earthly point in doing so. So I just go along with the surreal conversations or murmur - 'that's odd', 'how funny' etc. I also join in the tutting about how often the TV breaks. And then the afternoon passes pleasantly - if surreally.

I may have one last go with the TV - buy a digital one and get the RNIB remote. But I'm worried about spending a fortune (mum's money, not mine luckily! ) and have the problem carry on ad nauseam.

The repetition is absolutely killing. Mum and I now have a script every time I turn up at hers about the neighbours, the cat, how cold her hand is, how windy it is. I could scream with frustration sometimes, and if I'm tired I can start to snap.

You really should watch Groundhog Day - it's hilarious! Just for a chill-out.

 

[AnnieRE]

AnnieRE

all the explaining in the world wont help at all, either you or your Dad. You have to 'manage' the person with Dementia to avoid them getting upsett, angry, frustrated. I cant recommend enough the book CONTENTED DEMENTIA by Oliver James . this really explains how it feels to be the one with dementia and HOW to live well with Dementia and how you can help them, and helps you to manage to look after them well. However you still need tons of patience, I pray for that... you cant get it from a book......

 

[RUBY5]

Hi

I really sympathise about the remote control as my experiences with my Mum were very similar and I realised some time ago that no amount of explaining really helped her to understand as she was/is not capable of storing the information. In the end my husband and I had to laugh about it (which I sometimes feel is a little cruel) but was the only way for us to cope. In the end I bought her a new digital TV and now she lives in an annexe on our house, so she also has a new aerial.

It's quite strange that I've just bought and started reading 'Contented Dementia' by Oliver James as I am struggling to cope with the constant repetition - it's good to hear that someone else has recommended this book.

I've just come back from taking my Mum to the local cafe for lunch and feel about to 'burst' with repeated questions and conversations but I think I'm learning that it's much easier to give the shortest answer possible and not to go into lengthy explanations (if I do, I just have to say them all over again).

Good luck.

 

[Padraig]

I'm there

Hi Petrina,

I know just how your Dad feels. I've often said 'enter their world'. It is easy said I know, especially for siblings. For spouses it may be a little easier especially if they were married at a very young age. In my case my wife was 18 when I met her and I was 21. Now at 80 I don't have a mobile phone and just about make out using this computer. To me 'can't be bothered with all this modern technology'. Give me the quiet simple life.

It must be very difficult for many carers to visualise life without TV, a house phone, central heating, double glazing, fridges, freezers etc etc. It's another world but the effort to talk about it and imagine living it will bring better understanding!

There comes a time in life when we opt out of the race and want the quiet life. The sad part is none of us wish to be dependent on others and try to close our minds to what awaits us in 'old age'. I should know I'm still fighting it by running every morning at 04.30AM! Fighting cancer is bad enough, please God save me from Alzheimer's.
I have not posted in a while with so many surprises in my life of late to deal with.

 

[Simon1964]

We found with my father-in-law before his memory became too bad that if he was alone he managed to work out how to use the controller quite quickly, but if somebody was with him he couldn't. I think when you become confused, you become more anxious about simple things and if somebody is here you want them to help - naturally. One option might be to get one of those really simple controllers with hardly any buttons on them.

 

[Petrina]

He understands the controller, but he doesn't understand why the television won't pick up all the channels every day. He has an old indoor aerial in the loft. I tune the television, but it can't always get a signal and when it doesn't, he loses channels and I have to retune. There is nothing I can do unless he gets a new aerial on top of his house, except to keep retuning it. Every time I get the same thing about how the Alzheimers Soc talk said you only had to retune once and I go through the same stuff about how it's probably his aerial but maybe the television and how with an old television it goes fuzzy if you don't have good reception, but on a digital television you can lose the channel completely.

He doesn't have to have the digital television. It was mine and I gave it to him for free. He just couldn't get his head round the digibox. He can switch this on and watch a programme but it's groundhog day if he can't find the channel he wants.

The irony is that before he got dementia, he only ever wanted to watch BBC news, which there's no problem with, and when he does watch something on the channels that go missing (ITV1, Channel4 and Channel 5) he complains he didn't enjoy it!

 

[grove]

Hello Petrina , Can sympthazie with you & your Dad ! , tho in my Father's case the problem is the other "way round " ....... He wants to "Fix " broken lights etc partly due before Dementia he was able to put up "New Lights " & other small tasks etc. Partly ( i think ) due to Dad taking Aricept since July his "Recall " is coming back & he seems to think he is able to do still do Handy Man Jobs in the Home & of course he is not . Found out to day ( live near Parents ) he had "demolished " part of a phone point to connect it up to the Up Stairs Phones ...... The old Cordless Phone has broken & i was trying to help Mum sort it all out ! ( Dad was in the pre - dementia stage then , very etc ) The Phone did work ! ! but it causes problems as its all on 1 Phone point Up shot is Mum ( at long last ) agrees it needs mending & have found a nice Man who will do the job for them !

Am sorry not able to help you & sorry for rambling on about another problem !
( think the problem had been on my mind yesterday& to day & Mum wanted it sorted A S A P & had been trying to Advice her etc )

Hope your Dad does not "Annoy " you too much with his problem & you get some rest from it

Love & Support to you & your Dad

Love Grove x x

 

[grobertson62]

been there done that

Hi I know just what you mean

dad is in a nursing home but has his own TV, we set it so he just has a couple of buttons to press but even that is difficult

My other half recently had to do the retune for switch over & dad was getting cross at him for not doing it right

Apparently the TV must be UPSIDE DOWN in order to re tune!!!

so now we know!!!

good luck & if you discover the magic solution please let me know too

Gill

 

[Petrina]

Gill - that explains it. I hadn't tried turning it upside down. However, if this goes on much longer, it'll be Dad I turn upside down.

Grove - Dad's never much been into DIY, fortunately. On the other hand, this does mean he's paying a fortune for workmen. For example, he called out his alarm company to remind him how to part-set the downstairs part of his alarm (use the part set button and the code) and he called out an electrician to find his fuse box (when he could have phoned me and asked me or asked his carer to take a quick look).

I'm still trying to work out, though, what was going on the day he took it into his head to try to climb through the ceiling.

 

[grove]

Hello Petrina , Thanks for the reply & may be your Dad was using a short cut when he took it into his head to climb through the ceiling !

House Alarm ....... Dad also has problems in putting in the correct code

1 Day his friend Pat ( Neighbour ) had to come & help out so the Alarm was set correctly !


Hope you & your Dad have a good Day !

Love Grove x

 

[ebby]

I know how you feel, I went out the other night for an hour & got a phone call from a friend who had phoned mine & said my partner was very confused & told her he was wrapping xmas presents, I phoned him back & all he could say was that he had know idea how to answer the phone & what button to press to answer it I explained it was the green one but he kept ranting he could not see it so could not answer it if anybody phoned. I then had to tell him he must have answered the phone as he was actually speaking to me, he went silent & said someone else must have answered & giving him the phone (he was in by himself!). He also has problems with the TV remote & I often get it thrown at me when he presses wrong button.

 

[fantasticfi]

Hi I read somewhere else on here, one carerer covered the buttons on the remote control with brown tape round and round,all except the buttons needed like, on off 1 2 3 4 and volume thought it was worth a mention i know it wont suit all but some might find it usefull

 

[Petrina]

I did something like that with his personal stereo/cassette player. I got two players, covered all the cassette buttons on one and radio buttons on the other with tape. I also covered all the buttons you use for resetting the radio stations. He was find for a while, thought he was much better, took the tape off and now he doesn't use the tape player.

In time, though, as he gets worse, I'll put the tape back on, but I won't do it on his, I'll buy new ones labelled with mine so it'll be him just "borrowing" mine, not me messing around with his.

 

[candiedsonia]

Hi, Maybe a little late.
But I have picture of the remotes on my mobile phone.
When Mum calls I just talk her through which buttons to press.
I do have problems explaing that she has turned the power of from the wall.
My 1st question is always "is there a light on the box under the Tv".

My doctor advised treating her like a child and not worrying so much.
This has stopped most of the arguments and I feel better and we can occaisonally laugh.

 

[Owly]

If it's an aerial problem, you could phone up an aerial company (there are loads of them) and get someone round instantly to fix up a new aerial for less than £100.