Going to visit mother for the first time after Carers breakdown

[Betty65]

This post is a follow on from ‘dealing with mum - help’
I have not been to see my mum for 2 weeks now and am going today for the first time after I fell off the edge a couple of weeks ago. Not sure how it’s going to go but My daughter is coming with me.
i now know I have to back off to seeing her only once a week for my sanity, my family who kicked in for 2 weeks can make their own minds what they want to do,
she was told not to contact me so I could have a break, however she did still manage to call 8 times and as of yesterday I have unplugged the landline.
My daughter had a call from yesterday saying that I hated her and that’s why I wasn’t going in - mum doesn’t get my meltdown. She then told my daughter that she was going to take all of her heart meds so she wasn’t a nuicense to Anyone. My daughter rushed over together with my son in law. He sat and told mum straight that it was emotional blackmail and she was being selfish and A few other home truths. this means that at last someone sees the mum that I’m dealing with.
on top of that, my husband who feels hateful towards mum Most of the time is angry that I did not allow him to say these thing to my mum. I have always said there’s no point as it would solve nothing when dealing with this dotty person. will this ever end

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Betty65

When my husband was in residential care, until he settled, he was awful to me. As soon as he started , I stood up and prepared to leave, I told him I would not sit with him and accept his verbal abuse and would only stay if he was glad to see me. It worked.

Is it worth a try with your mum?

 

[Sarasa]

Although I'm sure your daughter and son in law felt better for telling your mum a few home truths you know it isn't going to stick. She will only be able to see things from her point of view, so I doubt that today she going to tell you they were right.
My mother is in a care home, so not quite the same, but I made the decision before lockdown only to visit once a week and to chose my time carefully so I could fade away just as they went into lunch. I found going more frequently didn't make mum any happier.
Just turn up, be as cheerful as you can and leave while things are looking OK. If it means not staying long so be it.
Hope it goes well.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

I have found my mother’s memory plays tricks and she rarely remembers anything. I have found a weekly visit of thirty minutes is much better for me and, actually, for her.

In my mother’s case, she takes my presence as somehow focusing on her lacks. I have had to make myself realise this is a marathon and not a sprint so making it work better going forward and bringing myself back from the brink is the right and proper thing to do.

Have you felt better for a little distance? If you have, then that answers your doubts. I feel you angst.

 

[Betty65]

I have found my mother’s memory plays tricks and she rarely remembers anything. I have found a weekly visit of thirty minutes is much better for me and, actually, for her.

In my mother’s case, she takes my presence as somehow focusing on her lacks. I have had to make myself realise this is a marathon and not a sprint so making it work better going forward and bringing myself back from the brink is the right and proper thing to do.

Have you felt better for a little distance? If you have, then that answers your doubts. I feel you angst.

Keeping my distance did help my sanity a little but she still managed to call 8 times. In the end I pulled the plug out. I can only describe it like falling into the Grand Canyon. You fall in a few minutes but takes you weeks to climb back out. people know you are in the canyon and keep your morale up but only you can climb back out.
When I saw her I just kept the conversation light. She keeps asking what she can do to help me, I have ranged my answers from - go into a care home, clean my car, do my ironing but after her asking me 5 times I did lose my rag which tells me I need to keep my distance. Who would have thought my old lovely mum could turn into a demented soul who has the capability to wipe me out.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

I completely agree, it is crazy how this awful illness actually saps the life from its victim as well as those of us involved with them. Horrible on every level.