Going on alone

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry Sue.

I understand how much you must miss Ray at this time. You are the parents and have the same interest and relationship with your son, even if it is slightly different by gender. It`s the sharing on an equal footing which is so important.

 

[Saffie]

That is so very sad Sue.
Especially so with children involved. I am dreadfully sorry.
Of course you miss Ray now.
You son is the son of both of you and Ray would have shared your sorrow.
We get so used to sharing that it's hard when facing a crisis alone.
Is there no hope of a conciliation? xxx

 

[Izzy]

Oh Sue I'm so sorry to read your sad news.

 

[sunray]

No I don't think there is a chance of reconciliation, she has been planning this for a long time as she already has a house to move into. I feel for my son as in order to have access to his daughter he will have to stay in whatever town she is living in. Alice is only two so far too young to travel alone.

All I can do is be here to talk and to calm the situation as much as I can. My daughter has been a welfare officer so can give the legal advice and help solve some of the practical problems I hope. My son left a good job to go with his wife so she could have her "career" so this is really a stab in the back for him as he could only get a job for a few hours a week in an area with very high unemployment.

I know a lot of people have gone through something similar within their family so understand what I am feeling. Alone of course and without my practical man to give our son his thoughts on it all. Ray was very practical and down to earth and that is another quality I miss in him.

 

[cragmaid]

Aw Sue, I'm so sorry to hear about your son's family split. I was luckyconfused when my son and his wife split, because whatever their problems were, they both have managed to stay civilised and share the care of their only daughter. It is hard for us though because he is my firstborn and lives at the other end of the country and I could not hug him when I heard the hurt in his voice. Daughter outlaw ( as she is now) has remarried and has two more children which we are very happy to count as family, it would have been wrong to not acknowledge them when we still see our granddaughter after all they are her brother and sister.
All you can do is be there with a warm hug when your son needs you.x.x.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Sue, how difficult for you to face a family crisis alone. I'm so sorry to hear what's happening. I know a son needs his dad to talk to at these times but nothing compares to the loving comfort of a mum's hug. While you may feel you're not the right sort of support for your son at this time, I'm sure he still appreciates having your comfort. Sometimes men feel the need to be "fixers" but maybe this situation just needs a listening ear and the reassurance that you're there for him. I know you have reserves of strength and courage you may have thought were sapped by the rough ride you've been on. I hope the road smooths out for you and your family.

Stephanie

 

[sunray]

Just passed another milestone, two years since Mum died. I am okay with that, she was 94, she had had an interesting life, it was her time. Losing your parent is nothing like losing your long time partner.

I do not feel as strongly about losing Mum as I feel about losing Ray. He did not have a long life, having had his first stroke aged 48 and having to retire permanently aged 57. He had some really bad years and so as a consequence did I. It is all long years ago now before that first stroke but for some reason when those memories come to mind instead of having warm feelings it stings. I do so yearn to change the editing some times.

So I say my mantra: "keep busy, keep busy, keep too busy to think."

 

[lilysmybabypup]

I'm sure it's quite different losing a partner than a parent. We leave our parents at some point and learn to live our own lives, but that new life is built with another person alongside us. Now you are struggling to make that transition into just being you. How hard it must be.
You're so right, you lost so many years as a couple and that must be painful. I don't believe there is a prescriptive time for this pain to diminish, he's always going to be that part of you that's no longer here.
It must also affect your coping mechanisms when other things go awry.
I hope things get better little by little and you'll feel the closeness and love of those who are near and dear to you. Give yourself a little treat, something you love or enjoy but don't get to do often. It's time to spoil yourself.
Take care,
Stephanie, xxx

 

[sunray]

Someone asked me today what I was doing for Christmas? I stood with my mouth open for a minute. Then I realised I haven't told many people that my younger son's wife has just left him and the three Adelaide kids are not coming up till the 29th which means I will be alone until 6ish when the ones from down south come up. I smiled and said: "We haven't made all the arrangements yet." and changed the subject. I'll have to get it into my head that for a lot of us Christmas is NOT a family day. It is still a holy day in my case but without the family gatherings we used to have it is a day with little to say for it, at best it is a make do day.

 

[Saffie]

I am sorry Sue.
It is hard for you with the addition of a family split.
Try to concentrate on the evening so you have something to look forward too during the day.

I realise I am fortunate in having both my daughters living close.
However, that in itself can bring its own problems and in addition I have always felt a sense of melacholy on Christmas afternoon which will be even worse this year as I'll be returning home after lunch rather than going to see Dave.

So Christmas tea with the telly and TP!

I am just hoping that once it is over, a feeling of hope will descend in place of the sadness, with the prospect of a new year ahead.

love and understanding xxx

 

[grouse]

I'm sorry to read about your son's break up Sue, that must be hard for you to deal with without your beloved husband. I'm just so sorry, for you and for your son.

I hope next year brings a bit of peace into both your lives, you deserve it. x

 

[sunray]

I think this is the least enthusiastic I have ever been about Christmas. The family from the south, my Shirely and her family will be here late Christmas afternoon. The boys I will not see till late summer so i will just phone them with my greetings. So what will i do? I will go to church, go to a friend's for lunch, then be home in time to prepare a light dinner as they will have had a big lunch. The tree is up, some tinsel draped so there are some decorations.

I have just replied to the cards I have been sent. I know this will mean a lot of post Christmas letters as I will get some on Christmas Eve but I thought I would do it this way so I know how many just send a reply. With Facebook and emails now a lot of people don't send out cards anyway.

I think I am tired of keeping up appearances and that is why this Christmas, my third since Ray died and my first without the family coming to look forward to, is the hardest so far.

 

[sunray]

I had a good week, busy and with some social activity. Still not looking forward to Christmas Day but then the family factor is not there that made it special for me. At my age gifts are unimportant, what I loved was watching little faces as the children opened their presents, and Ray's dear face as he watched them doing it. Good times now past times.

I am sick of longing for the old times to somehow come back. I have moved on but where I am right now seems very lonely. It is not only the lack of Ray in my life but the kids all moving far away too. I think one of the things in the future is moving house away from the house I have lived in for so long. The neighbourhood has changed and the six foot high fence between me and next door neighbour is a sign of that. It makes communications impossible.

I am not able to decide right now what direction I want my life to go in. To take up new activities i have to drop old ones. It is not easy at my age (67) to make the changes but where there's a will there's a way. i will survive, always have so I am confident life will change in a way that will be good for me.

 

[Saffie]

I'm glad you have family visiting you on Christmas Day Sue, even if it is later in the day.
It will be something to look forward to during the day.

At 67, you are still young enough to find the right path for your future.
I hope Christmas turns out better than anticipated for you. xxx

 

[sunray]

I realised today I am still in recovery mode after Ray's death. It has been baby steps for me getting back into life. More mental and emotional than physical of course. I want to do so much and yet there is this emotional bridge I have to cross and I know when I get there there is no way back. So is it better to stay where I am or cross the bridge?

Maybe I hide behind the "widow" label like I once did the "carer" label? Show me some respect, I am a carer! We all put up barriers as a form of protection so maybe I am just doing that? All I know is that I am really holding back in a couple of relationships so maybe that is why. I have a couple of new relationships in my life, one is a new friend, she has always been around but as a single woman so now we are both "single" we are doing things together. The other is a man I have become friendly with but I know he wants more and I do not.

I know that the "single" life I have is still new to me and I want to get used to it before I move on. It is 50 years since I was 17 but there is still some residue from way back when in the way I do relationships. I need to be confident in being who I am before I decide whether to change that or not.

 

[sunray]

I am tired tonight. Too much to do the past few days, not a lot of support either so I am feeling let down. Looking forward to getting some free time in January when all the hoopla of Christmas is over.

 

[grouse]

I hope Christmas day was bearable for you sunray

I was thinking, is it a possibility for you to move nearer your family, or are they all spread out? Maybe this would make life a bit less lonely for you?

 

[sunray]

Some days I still feel as if Ray should be here. I know it is silly but sometimes when I have fallen asleep just briefly I turn to his chair and go to ask him a question and of course he is not here. Of course after 44 years of being with him being without him for 27 months is not really a long time. Maybe I will always miss him.

I am finding it hard to get through the days. It is too humid to garden, too humid to do a lot of heavy work outside. Inside is not much better. I don't use the air con more than I have to as I don't want a massive power bill,

I was to have a week down on the south coast but my hostess had a crisis so we postponed and now I have an unplanned week. I guess all I can do is take it a day at a time as usual.

 

[sunray]

I stepped on a rake in my backyard on Thursday late in the afternoon and put one of the prongs through my shoe into the fleshy part under my big toe. I had some problems pulling it out but limped back into the house. I was struggling to get inside down the steps so I knew it was going to be pretty painful and three days later it still is.

I rang my DIL, the only person in the family who still lives locally and she told me to soak it for half an hour in salty water and to make sure I went first thing in the morning to get a tetanus shot. So yesterday I went and got the tetanus needle and some antibiotics. The area under the toe very swollen, painful and purple so the doctor said no driving for a couple of days. That means no human contact as no-one is likely to come here.

I am the pastoral visitor for my church and visit a lot of people when they go through a crisis so wonder sometimes who cares for the carers? No answer to that one so a couple of days reading, coming onto the computer and laying with the leg up hopefully will take the swelling down and I will be back on my feet again.

 

[rajahh]

Hope you feel better soon , sounds nasty, always worse when you live alone . Sending a hug jeannette