Giving away food

[Qirlylady]

Hi

My father has middle stage dementia and he has started to give his food out to a homeless person.

Now normally, you would think what a kind gesture however this homeless person has taken advantage of my father financially in the past and she isn’t a nice person.

My dad keeps taking food out of the house to her - now it may seem harmless but it’s costing me hundreds a week to replenish as he goes out to see her at least 5 times a day. I get to his at the weekend and his cupboards are bare and I’m worried he is starving himself due to this. I know he gets at least two meals a day as carer comes in morning and he goes to a social club at lunch time. It’s when he comes back that’s when the frequent visits and giving away food happens.

I am at a loss at what to do. (Ps police and social services aware of this ‘friendship’ but won’t do anything about it as dad is willingly giving her things).

Any suggestions on how I can stop the food from leaving his house with him? I don’t want to restrict the food from him as he won’t have anything for tea but then again he isn’t getting it anyway as he is giving it away!

I have tried looking into delivery services for tea time but they stop at 2pm and he’s out at the club. Befriender services won’t go everyday. As thought maybe if he’s with someone it would stop him giving food away and he can go for walks with them. So not restrictive but they can let him know not to take it on walks.

I have told my dad to stop doing this but he denies he has done it. I show him proof he has and he just apologies and says he won’t do it again.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

This is worrying. Also, if you restrict the food in the house, he may start giving her cash instead (if he has access to it.) Giving food to someone 5 times a day is unacceptable - she knows this and is clearly taking advantage.

I note you have tried the police and SS - both are really letting you down here. The police should be moving her on and SS should see this as a safeguarding issue. My advice would be to keep reporting it. State to social services that your father is a vulnerable adult who is at risk and point out they have duty of care, not you.

An alternative might be to go to a solicitor and see if you can get a restraining order on this woman to make sure she keeps away. Your father may be giving food away of his 'own free will' but he has dementia and she knows that and is effectively complicit in abusing/taking advantage of him.

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Difficult to put this kindly but is your father drinking alcohol at lunchtime and then giving away food with a clouded judgement? Sorry this sounds so dreadful.

 

[Qirlylady]

Difficult to put this kindly but is your father drinking alcohol at lunchtime and then giving away food with a clouded judgement? Sorry this sounds so dreadful.

No we don’t have alcohol in the house. Nor does he have cash on him anymore due to this situation. He’s doing it because he thinks she will be happy and she’s a friend and if he turns up with nothing she won’t talk to him.

 

[Qirlylady]

No we don’t have alcohol in the house. Nor does he have cash on him anymore due to this situation. He’s doing it because he thinks she will be happy and she’s a friend and if he turns up with nothing she won’t talk to him.

The clubs are dementia clubs no alcohol there

 

[Qirlylady]

This is worrying. Also, if you restrict the food in the house, he may start giving her cash instead (if he has access to it.) Giving food to someone 5 times a day is unacceptable - she knows this and is clearly taking advantage.

I note you have tried the police and SS - both are really letting you down here. The police should be moving her on and SS should see this as a safeguarding issue. My advice would be to keep reporting it. State to social services that your father is a vulnerable adult who is at risk and point out they have duty of care, not you.

An alternative might be to go to a solicitor and see if you can get a restraining order on this woman to make sure she keeps away. Your father may be giving food away of his 'own free will' but he has dementia and she knows that and is effectively complicit in abusing/taking advantage of him.

We took any money of him so he doesn’t have any. Doesn’t need any tbf because we do weekly food shop and he eats at the social clubs.

Police say no crime is commited. Social services won’t do anything any further as can’t stop him talking to her. Won’t provide any 121 support. He’s had 5 safe guarding referrals from police, together dementia, altzheimers uk, gp to social services and still nothing. Police won’t move her on and haven’t spoken to her to warn her as like I say no ‘crime’ commited. I’ve logged a complaint with both police and social services and nothing.

Tried restraining order route however we need her date of birth and home address in order to do so. Police won’t give me her details as per gdpr but won’t put in a restraining order because again ‘no crime’ commited.

 

[phill]

If he has carers at mealtimes, would it be feasible to keep his more expensive foods in locked cupboards and a locked mini-fridge to which only you and the carers have access - while the stuff for making drinks and the cheaper bits and bobs like snacks are still accessible for him to consume himself and to share with his friend if he opts to? Also, if his behaviour in seeking her out is driven by a wish for companionship and to feel needed, are there any alternative ways that those wishes might be met? You mentioned that he often seeks her out after he’s returned from lunch club (ie a time when he’s back in an empty home after the enjoyment of socialising, and maybe missing the company and stimulation already). If that’s a time of day when he’s particularly vulnerable to the urge to seek her out, is there any way of arranging for him to be visited or phoned by a befriender at that time of day?

 

[Qirlylady]

If he has carers at mealtimes, would it be feasible to keep his more expensive foods in locked cupboards and a locked mini-fridge to which only you and the carers have access - while the stuff for making drinks and the cheaper bits and bobs like snacks are still accessible for him to consume himself and to share with his friend if he opts to? Also, if his behaviour in seeking her out is driven by a wish for companionship and to feel needed, are there any alternative ways that those wishes might be met? You mentioned that he often seeks her out after he’s returned from lunch club (ie a time when he’s back in an empty home after the enjoyment of socialising, and maybe missing the company and stimulation already). If that’s a time of day when he’s particularly vulnerable to the urge to seek her out, is there any way of arranging for him to be visited or phoned by a befriender at that time of day?

Only has a carer in the morning. The ‘activity’ happens 3pm-9pm when he’s alone.

Social services will not provide any service in this time. I live miles away and work nights so cannot be there. Befriender only authorised for 1 hour a week due to high demand

 

[Qirlylady]

Only has a carer in the morning. The ‘activity’ happens 3pm-9pm when he’s alone.

Social services will not provide any service in this time. I live miles away and work nights so cannot be there. Befriender only authorised for 1 hour a week due to high demand

I also call him after the club but it doesn’t make a difference. X

 

[maggie6445]

@Qirlylady Could you ask the morning carer to make sandwiches and leave for him at teatime? Could make a couple of extras that he could have a picnic with her? If he chooses to give her them all he won't starve if he's eaten at breakfast and lunchtime although he may get a bit hungry. Might stop him giving them away?

 

[Qirlylady]

@Qirlylady Could you ask the morning carer to make sandwiches and leave for him at teatime? Could make a couple of extras that he could have a picnic with her? If he chooses to give her them all he won't starve if he's eaten at breakfast and lunchtime although he may get a bit hungry. Might stop him giving them away?

We don’t want him speaking to her. She is a known begger, got sacked from her previous job for stealing and is a known drug user!

 

[Qirlylady]

We don’t want him speaking to her. She is a known begger, got sacked from her previous job for stealing and is a known drug user!

Nd as advised has financially abused my dad in the past and took advantage.