Getting Mum to accept care visits

[SonOfSue]

It's probably a rather basic topic for those of you who have been caring for a while, but our Mum is now progressing through middle-stage and our Dad (primary carer) is definitely overloaded now.
We've been trying to encourage him to engage with care and social groups but he's annoyingly stubborn (and maybe embarrassed?) so he dismisses any advice and they have become heartbreakingly reclusive. That, in essence, has been HIS fault. Our reluctance to push this more assertively is a moral dilemma as we desperately try to support his wish to have agency and be the ultimate decision-maker. Now, things are too advanced to have rational conversations about it. It feels we're at a watershed now when help from 'strangers' are absolutely vital and being around other 'old people' is the right way to re-socialise them both.

Question: how do we turn "No" into "Yes"? Or even "OK, let's give it a try".

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to the forum @SonOfSue

Question: how do we turn "No" into "Yes"? Or even "OK, let's give it a try".

By presenting a carer as a cleaner or home help to help your dad rather than your mum.

It worked for me with my husband. He didn`t want help for himself but accepted it for me.

 

[Gosling]

Hello and welcome from me also @SonOfSue to this friendly and supportive forum. I am glad you have found us.

I am sorry to read about your Mum, and the care pressures it is putting on your Dad. Similarly, my brother and I presented it as a Home help, to take care of some of the cleaning etc that needs doing. Just a gradual introduction, to get some acceptance of a 'stranger' coming into the home and helping.

 

[Sirena]

Good advice to presenter the carer as a home help/cleaner, which would probably far more acceptable term to them. When I got carers in for my mother, she had said she'd like a cleaner, so I presented it in that kind of way.

I just went ahead and arranged it, and told her someone would be arriving tomorrow. It is close to impossible to persuade a person with dementia to move out of their comfort zone, and even if they agree they then deny it, forget or change their minds.

However you said you feel "being around other older people is the way to re-socialise them". Did you mean you think a care home is beckoning? Or were you thinking of dementia groups?

 

[Kristo]

When I took my parents to a group for the first time, I presented it as “my friend Jo has started a coffee club and not many people have been going, I said we would pop along today to support her and we’ll get free tea and biscuits”.

After that, my parents enjoyed it so much that they never missed a week, and mum still goes every week even though Dad is now living in a care home.

I also asked “my friend Emma” to pop round and run her lawnmower round, and cut back a few of the bushes. I tried to arrange it for when they were out.

It’s amazing how many “friends “ I have who were supporting my parents with a few bits here and there. Even the assessor from the befriending service was introduced as “Jan, who used to go to keep-fit with mum, she’s just popped in for a coffee as she was passing”.

In one way it is subterfuge, but once these people are over the threshold, the host mode kicks in and Dad would always chat away happily to my “friends” while they did what they needed to do.

Hope that helps, sometimes we have to resort to “love lies” for the person’s own good. Good luck x

 

[SonOfSue]

Good advice to presenter the carer as a home help/cleaner, which would probably far more acceptable term to them. When I got carers in for my mother, she had said she'd like a cleaner, so I presented it in that kind of way.

I just went ahead and arranged it, and told her someone would be arriving tomorrow. It is close to impossible to persuade a person with dementia to move out of their comfort zone, and even if they agree they then deny it, forget or change their minds.

However you said you feel "being around other older people is the way to re-socialise them". Did you mean you think a care home is beckoning? Or were you thinking of dementia groups?

I was thinking of dementia groups.

We would all like to prolong their 'independent living' as far as possible. They have been inseparable since the 1960s and only lived in the same house for 55 years: continuity , so long as it's still safe, is our strategy.
But 'independence' needs to be redefined now. Almost by stealth, in a nice way.

As for the dementia groups, my dad really needs to wake-up to the fact that hundreds of blokes are in exactly the same situation. There's support, practical and emotional, available and his current mood is descending rapidly into depression whilst he stubbornly tries to cope alone.

 

[SonOfSue]

When I took my parents to a group for the first time, I presented it as “my friend Jo has started a coffee club and not many people have been going, I said we would pop along today to support her and we’ll get free tea and biscuits”.

After that, my parents enjoyed it so much that they never missed a week, and mum still goes every week even though Dad is now living in a care home.

I also asked “my friend Emma” to pop round and run her lawnmower round, and cut back a few of the bushes. I tried to arrange it for when they were out.

It’s amazing how many “friends “ I have who were supporting my parents with a few bits here and there. Even the assessor from the befriending service was introduced as “Jan, who used to go to keep-fit with mum, she’s just popped in for a coffee as she was passing”.

In one way it is subterfuge, but once these people are over the threshold, the host mode kicks in and Dad would always chat away happily to my “friends” while they did what they needed to do.

Hope that helps, sometimes we have to resort to “love lies” for the person’s own good. Good luck x

That really helps, actually. Thanks. This is my preferred strategy. I think it would work with Mum (patient) but actually it's convincing Dad (carer) that's the harder bit.
But based on your example, I'm going to try and see how it goes.

 

[Angel55]

I was thinking of dementia groups.

We would all like to prolong their 'independent living' as far as possible. They have been inseparable since the 1960s and only lived in the same house for 55 years: continuity , so long as it's still safe, is our strategy.
But 'independence' needs to be redefined now. Almost by stealth, in a nice way.

As for the dementia groups, my dad really needs to wake-up to the fact that hundreds of blokes are in exactly the same situation. There's support, practical and emotional, available and his current mood is descending rapidly into depression whilst he stubbornly tries to cope alone.

💗 I think it is very common, I see it coming along with my in laws. My own mum when she was ill was not too bad with help because she thought of it as helping Dad but that was not dementia. Dad certainly with his dementia and living alone did go into residential care sooner than I would have liked but sometimes these things cannot be prevented.

I was trying to think if this was me and my adult children were suggesting I couldn't cope I think I wouldn't be too keen but based on my own experience with my parents I hope I remember to accept some help if and when I get to that part. My OH would not be the same though lol ..

Introducing help with some thought around as introducing as friends or coffee groups could be a good way of starting. We did manage a cleaner through that way, ie someone we knew who needed a few hours work and Dad used to like to help people so he said yes.. Maybe some practical help like that might be less intrusive to start with. xx

 

[Rayreadynow]

I don't think anyone likes strangers coming into there house and taking control at any age. My PWD walked down to the Day Centre one evening on her own, picked up by the Police then accused of wandering by the social services who didn't even know her....if they bothered to ask me it was obvious that she was trying to show her independence at getting to her destination.

 

[TheCoachman]

So sorry to hear about your difficulty - with my mum I have discovered that in middle stage aspects of her personality have really come to the fore - she was always an dependant and capable woman - now she needs caters and no strategy seems to work to get her to accept this - the carer I got in "to help with cleaning so I don't have to do it" is called the servant and mum hides in another room while she is there - won't accept even a cup of tea. The lady I introduced as "an old friend" to cook a meal once a week - after a month of mum going along with it (always complaining that the cooking was rubbish) last Friday mum rang up the moment the lady arrived and screamed "why is she here ? Get rid of her" I talked to carer on phone and she had already contacted agency to say she would not go any more as it upset mum too much. Then a few days later mum was going on about that " lovely lady " who comes in on Fridays !!!
I have realised that mum will never like having carers despite her very real need. But she will have to accept them - or a care home. I have a social worker coming in again this week to try and persuade mum to accept a needs assessment (she's very wary) and they will say she NEEDS carers but as self funding she can STIILL refuse.
I share his because sometimes NO strategy helps , as a carer you have sometimes to do things in someone's best interest - while knowing that they will really hate you for doing it. It is sometimes the dementia journey.
Good luck and best wishes - I hope it works out happily for you
Pete