Frozen day

[Lilyanna]

It's the only way I can describe how I feel today. Just want to sit doing nothing and stare into space. Have managed to motivate myself on the whole up until now but finding it harder. So much was happening over Christmas and New Year that distracted me. I was told "I'm proud of you, you're doing so well, you're a strong woman" but now everyone has disappeared, normal life has resumed around me, and I feel frozen. How do I keep up with all these standards I've portrayed if I'm struggling to move from my chair and plan my day. Have arranged to go out this afternoon and made a commitment but how I wish I hadn't. The silence in the house is awful and I really feel I can't do this, its too hard.

 

[canary]

How do I keep up with all these standards I've portrayed if I'm struggling to move from my chair and plan my day.

You dont have to, Lilyanna. You are still grieving and if there are the odd days when all you want to do is lie on the sofa in your PJs watching rubbish TV then that OK. Obviously, if that is happening all the time for too long, then you would need help, but I suspect that you overexerted yourself over Christmas trying to portray yourself as a "strong independent woman" and this is your body forcing you to have a rest.

Be kind to yourself and dont expect too much of yourself - it is still early days
xxx

 

[Kevinl]

I know what you mean, I could go for days without talking to anyone if I wanted to jut feel so 'hollow' inside without her, got together in 1976, long time.
Were it not for my next door neighbours I had a thread on here, I've got Britain's best neighbours.
K

 

[LyndaR]

I understand how you are feeling. I have days where I just want to sit and cry and not see anyone, but I force myself to get out, even if it’s just a short walk. Everyone else’s lives seem to just be moving on and you’re stuck in this grief laden life. I’ve started counselling sessions and have found it useful to just be able to let my feelings out without feeling I’m burdening family. Grief is a lonely place.

 

[Lilyanna]

I understand how you are feeling. I have days where I just want to sit and cry and not see anyone, but I force myself to get out, even if it’s just a short walk. Everyone else’s lives seem to just be moving on and you’re stuck in this grief laden life. I’ve started counselling sessions and have found it useful to just be able to let my feelings out without feeling I’m burdening family. Grief is a lonely place.

I forced myself to go out with the little dog I borrow and felt better for it. She also misses my husband as she use to rush out the door passed me to him for a cuddle and then come for a cuddle with me. Now she comes out sees he's not there and goes back in and sits down and I persuade her to come out. She's fine once we're out and I know she loves me but it's just not the same. I do feel lonely but going to try a bereavement group soon which may help. Glad you're finding counselling of help.

 

[Kevinl]

Been 10 weeks since my wife passed away, but she'd had AZ desease for over 15 years and I've decided it's going to be all about me for a while.
Bought another boat (to keep my other boat company), house is on the market, looking for somewhere I can "lock and leave" near the boat and hoping we get a decent weather spring and summer but either way I'm off for an adventure this year, I think I've earned it.
I think alone the world is maybe a bit less challenging for a man, like would a woman alone, pop into the pub for a drink in the way a man can? Little things like that confining your lifestyle.
K

 

[Lilyanna]

Having cared for your wife for 15 years I can understand your need to start caring for yourself although I think you are very brave making such major decisions do soon. The pub doesn't really figure in my list of socialising tho I think it is quite acceptable for a woman to pop into a reputable wine bar on her own nowadays bur may be quite wrong! At the moment I'm happy to meet up with friends tho finding it challenging to instigate meeting up or phoning for a chat as don't want to appear 'needy'. Saying that I'm able to try things on my own and see how it works out. I guess in a caring role it's been so long since I've ventured out to many places since before lockdown it feels quite daunting. However there is a film I want to see so aiming to go to the cinema on my own as my first challenge.

 

[LyndaR]

You will feel a massive sense of achievement after going on your first outing alone.
My husband and I used to go weekly to the local coastline, an hours drive away.
I had several attempts at going, but couldn’t get out of car first couple of times, just sat and cried. But a couple of weeks ago I got out car, did an hours walk and went in a cafe for a drink and snack. It did feel very strange but I felt quite proud of myself.
It’s hard to think of yourself when your life has been spent caring for so long.

 

[Lilyanna]

I understand how you are feeling. I have days where I just want to sit and cry and not see anyone, but I force myself to get out, even if it’s just a short walk. Everyone else’s lives seem to just be moving on and you’re stuck in this grief laden life. I’ve started counselling sessions and have found it useful to just be able to let my feelings out without feeling I’m burdening family. Grief is a lonely place.

I'm glad counselling helped. I'm a retired counsellor who specialised in bereavement but knowing all the theory and experiencing grief of your life long Partner is a totally different journey. I too looked for help ftom counselling and had a first session this week,. It turned into a horrendous experience, one that has stayed with me and greatly concerned me as to profiency of the counsellor. I felt traumatised by the experience.

 

[Chizz]

I'm glad counselling helped. I'm a retired counsellor who specialised in bereavement but knowing all the theory and experiencing grief of your life long Partner is a totally different journey. I too looked for help ftom counselling and had a first session this week. It turned into a horrendous experience I didn't feel comfortable with the counsellor. From the moment the counsellor came to meet me and didn't introduce herself just stood in front of me and smiled. I had to ask her if she was ...... On entering the room she didn't offer to take my coat or hang it up which I had to stuff down the side of the bucket chair. There were no 'necessary basics' such as tissues, glass of water but I did notice the clock facing her to keep track of the time. Despite giving details of my bereavement at the time of initial referral, and as I thought referred to it in early conversation, the counsellor 'forgot" and exclaimed 'he's dead' when the penny dropped which I found horrendous. I left advising this was not working and to be honest, felt traumatised by this experience. I hope no one else has to go through this experience of 'counselling' which I know many proficient registered accredited counsellors would find horrific. This service was also offered through a charity. If I was feeling stronger I would make sure to give feedback to the charity., which, to be honest I would have expected to be asked for, given I was not returning. The only contact I received after this, was an email asking for my agreement to add gift aid to my donation.

Hi @Lilyanna
I had counselling a few years ago for my anticipatory grief for my OH, for whom I'm still caring.

I read your post with a sense of growing alarm at how you were treated by a supposed "professional". It seems horrendous and you said you were traumatised by the bad experience.

Even if not asked, I feel you should give a full feed back to the charity through which it was arranged. They should know what goes on, and maybe they'd get that "counsellor" some extra training on a "bedside" manner and courtesy.

Just voting with your feet doesn't tell them the picture, nor does it improve the position for someone else.

Best wishes

 

[Lilyanna]

Hi @Lilyanna
I had counselling a few years ago for my anticipatory grief for my OH, for whom I'm still caring.

I read your post with a sense of growing alarm at how you were treated by a supposed "professional". It seems horrendous and you said you were traumatised by the bad experience.

Even if not asked, I feel you should give a full feed back to the charity through which it was arranged. They should know what goes on, and maybe they'd get that "counsellor" some extra training on a "bedside" manner and courtesy.

Just voting with your feet doesn't tell them the picture, nor does it improve the position for someone else.

Best wishes

I totally agree and would have expected the charity to contact me for feedback having sent an email advising I was not coming back. I'm left with the worry that the damage it may cause to others who are not as knowledgeable about the ethos of counselling as I am and this does not sit comfortably with me. I'm left with a sense of responsibility which needs to be addressed, which I could well do without at the moment but will not ignore.

 

[Chizz]

I wish you strength @Lilyanna and a hug (probably a bit late after the event!, but one can't have too many hugs)

 

[sdmhred]

I do hope you figure a way of raising your concern in a way which you can manage @Lilyanna

I remember an insensitive GP who left me traumatised for a few days. Thankfully I knew how to put myself back together but completely unnecessary 😬😬

Have you somewhere else to try for getting the counselling you want?

 

[Lilyanna]

I do hope you figure a way of raising your concern in a way which you can manage @Lilyanna

I remember an insensitive GP who left me traumatised for a few days. Thankfully I knew how to put myself back together but completely unnecessary 😬😬

Have you somewhere else to try for getting the counselling you want?

I'm afraid not but perhaps better to find my own way.