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From respite to permanant care

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
240
South East Coast.
Hubby has at last agreed to go for respite after much pleading for few weeks so I can go to see my sister who is very poorly, but she lives about 5 hour drive away so I would stay for a few days. He was dozing in the armchair which is how he normaly spends his day now, no conversation, no interest in tv or daily papers all stuff he used to love, I can't even have the radio on or music he will really struggle to get out his chair to turn radio off. So, he suddenly woke up and blurted out in his slurred speech that he has now and said " ok I'll go to this institution !!! you want mento go to " it was like he had been dreaming. I told him it wasnt an institution but a lovely place for him to have a little holiday, AND he agreed, I was over the moon, rang my sister and got things arranged, my daughter is taking few days off work to drive me there. BUT next day hubby denied having said any of this and got really angry, but as he cant make sensible conversation it was difficult to reason with him. So I tempted him to agree again by trying to tell him that while hes on this little holiday I would get the bathroom done for him, which he desperately needs, take the bath out and put in walk in shower, i have got it sort of booked to get it done, not that he can walk anymore his mobility is nearly zero now, but he agreed again when I told him about the shower. BUT after al.l that rambling on my question is, IF while hubby is at this respite break and be hopefully settles, I'm not sure how he will be as hes deteriorated so much this last 6 months, I'm a completely drained and shatterd, could I push to try and make it a permanent stay, it's such a lovely place, with a lovely big room for him overlooking the countryside and sea.Hes such a danger to himself now, it's scary watching him try to walk about with his frame,and he tries to get up the stairs so I put a chair infront of them so he cant go up. Hes an accident waiting to happen, he would be so much safer and I think happier because he would be around people, SO could i push for him to stay there as a permanent resident. I realise it might sound heartless and cruel but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,303
N Ireland
Hello @pevensey. What you write is neither heartless nor cruel.

There often comes a time when care by a full professional team is required as a spouse cannot provide all that's required alone, however much we try. I dread the day when I will have to think about this in relation to my wife.

If you have a Social Worker looking after your case I would certainly discuss the situation with them.

I wish you strength and the best of luck to both of you.

Do keep posting for support.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,226
cornwall
Hubby has at last agreed to go for respite after much pleading for few weeks so I can go to see my sister who is very poorly, but she lives about 5 hour drive away so I would stay for a few days. He was dozing in the armchair which is how he normaly spends his day now, no conversation, no interest in tv or daily papers all stuff he used to love, I can't even have the radio on or music he will really struggle to get out his chair to turn radio off. So, he suddenly woke up and blurted out in his slurred speech that he has now and said " ok I'll go to this institution !!! you want mento go to " it was like he had been dreaming. I told him it wasnt an institution but a lovely place for him to have a little holiday, AND he agreed, I was over the moon, rang my sister and got things arranged, my daughter is taking few days off work to drive me there. BUT next day hubby denied having said any of this and got really angry, but as he cant make sensible conversation it was difficult to reason with him. So I tempted him to agree again by trying to tell him that while hes on this little holiday I would get the bathroom done for him, which he desperately needs, take the bath out and put in walk in shower, i have got it sort of booked to get it done, not that he can walk anymore his mobility is nearly zero now, but he agreed again when I told him about the shower. BUT after al.l that rambling on my question is, IF while hubby is at this respite break and be hopefully settles, I'm not sure how he will be as hes deteriorated so much this last 6 months, I'm a completely drained and shatterd, could I push to try and make it a permanent stay, it's such a lovely place, with a lovely big room for him overlooking the countryside and sea.Hes such a danger to himself now, it's scary watching him try to walk about with his frame,and he tries to get up the stairs so I put a chair infront of them so he cant go up. Hes an accident waiting to happen, he would be so much safer and I think happier because he would be around people, SO could i push for him to stay there as a permanent resident. I realise it might sound heartless and cruel but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Yes you can BUT it depends on the “capacity “ issue again. I managed to get dad to stay a month by asking him but also “love lies” saying he had only just arrived.Dad didn’t have a clue he had already been a week by the time I asked. Get the home to assess him. He cannot stay in”host” mode forever.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
426
Hubby has at last agreed to go for respite after much pleading for few weeks so I can go to see my sister who is very poorly, but she lives about 5 hour drive away so I would stay for a few days. He was dozing in the armchair which is how he normaly spends his day now, no conversation, no interest in tv or daily papers all stuff he used to love, I can't even have the radio on or music he will really struggle to get out his chair to turn radio off. So, he suddenly woke up and blurted out in his slurred speech that he has now and said " ok I'll go to this institution !!! you want mento go to " it was like he had been dreaming. I told him it wasnt an institution but a lovely place for him to have a little holiday, AND he agreed, I was over the moon, rang my sister and got things arranged, my daughter is taking few days off work to drive me there. BUT next day hubby denied having said any of this and got really angry, but as he cant make sensible conversation it was difficult to reason with him. So I tempted him to agree again by trying to tell him that while hes on this little holiday I would get the bathroom done for him, which he desperately needs, take the bath out and put in walk in shower, i have got it sort of booked to get it done, not that he can walk anymore his mobility is nearly zero now, but he agreed again when I told him about the shower. BUT after al.l that rambling on my question is, IF while hubby is at this respite break and be hopefully settles, I'm not sure how he will be as hes deteriorated so much this last 6 months, I'm a completely drained and shatterd, could I push to try and make it a permanent stay, it's such a lovely place, with a lovely big room for him overlooking the countryside and sea.Hes such a danger to himself now, it's scary watching him try to walk about with his frame,and he tries to get up the stairs so I put a chair infront of them so he cant go up. Hes an accident waiting to happen, he would be so much safer and I think happier because he would be around people, SO could i push for him to stay there as a permanent resident. I realise it might sound heartless and cruel but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
No @pevensey not heartless or cruel, it may well be necessary. You never know, he might really like it there. I don't think the PWD has much idea of time so might not be aware that the week is over, you can just keep extending it. But if he doesn't like it there then I suppose he'll keep badgering you to take him home - cross that bridge when you get to it! First hurdle is to get him there - one of the many problems with dementia is that they will forget what has been discussed or what they have agreed to and you have to go over it again and again! Good luck x
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,024
@pevensey, I'd take it one step at a time. Get him there and then see how things go. I think men often settle better than women, as they often have the mindset that they should be waited on, so enjoy all the attention of the carers etc. You can keep on extending it by saying the builders have hit a problem with the bathroom and it is taking longer than expected. As to actually getting the work done, would it be useful to you as well, as if it would go ahead but with you rather than your husband in mind. I tried to persuade my mum to go for a shower when her bath needed replacing. She couldn't use it as a bath, but stepped over the edge use the shower everyday. She was already in her mid-eighties, but my argument that she was fine now, but she should 'future proof' things didn't work.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,711
Kent
I realise it might sound heartless and cruel but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
There is nothing heartless about this @pevensey. Anyone reading your post can tell how emotional you feel about making a decision for residential care.

The fact your husband wants a walk in shower when he can barely walk shows what little insight he has about his own state of health and equally he will have little or no idea what impact his needs are having on your health.

I have been in the same position. I had a mobility bath installed but the time came when my husband couldn`t raise himself off the seat and step out of the bath. I then booked carers to help and even they found it difficult and dangerous.

You do as you see fit, in the best interests of you both.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
426
I have been in the same position. I had a mobility bath installed but the time came when my husband couldn`t raise himself off the seat and step out of the bath.
@Grannie G this is something I've learnt with the progress of this disease, you can buy all sorts of aids and helps and 'stuff' that you think might help them and maybe it does for a short time but then as the deterioration continues those items have become obsolete and a waste of money!
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
240
South East Coast.
There is nothing heartless about this @pevensey. Anyone reading your post can tell how emotional you feel about making a decision for residential care.

The fact your husband wants a walk in shower when he can barely walk shows what little insight he has about his own state of health and equally he will have little or no idea what impact his needs are having on your health.

I have been in the same position. I had a mobility bath installed but the time came when my husband couldn`t raise himself off the seat and step out of the bath. I then booked carers to help and even they found it difficult and dangerous.

You do as you see fit, in the best interests of you both.
Grannie G I didnt think of that, him not being able to get off the seat and NO he wouldn't be able to, not without help and he doesn't like the morning carers washing him anyway so it would be down to me. AGAIN. My problem is I've got the job for doing the bathroom booked for 10 days time but IF a big IF I can push for him to be permanent stay at this care home, if is a lovely one. I would cancel it, feel bad doing it and letting the guy down, I got him to go to respite on the back of the walk in shower being done. But also a slim chance of him staying there, but I'm not even sure where to start on that, I rang g care home this morning to see how he was, he only went yesterday, they let me talk to him and thenfirstnthing he said was IS THE SHOWER FINISHED YET. Grannie G do you think there is any chance at all the powers that be would aggree to him staying in permanent care, I'm sure I cant do it anymore.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
240
South East Coast.
Hello @pevensey. What you write is neither heartless nor cruel.

There often comes a time when care by a full professional team is required as a spouse cannot provide all that's required alone, however much we try. I dread the day when I will have to think about this in relation to my wife.

If you have a Social Worker looking after your case I would certainly discuss the situation with them.

I wish you strength and the best of luck to both of you.

Do keep posting for support.
Thankyou KaraokePete, I'm not sure if he has a social worker, he did have but they keep changing them so not sure who it is., hubby is at respite for 2 weeks initially with leaving open for longer, so would it be best do you know, if I leave things till nearly the end of the 2 weeks and then approach someone with the query of him staying. I want to go about it the right way, as I know the always seem to take the PWD side. Mind you hubby did say just before he went to this respite that " he wouldn't be coming home " ?? I'm not sure why he said that.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,024
Hi @pevensey, I'm glad your husband is actually in the respite home. I think I'd get hold of social services sooner rather than later and make it clear that you can no longer manage your husband at home. You are equally important as him, and it sounds as though he needs to be somewhere with multiple people caring for him rather than just you.
Hope the visit to your sister goes well.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,711
Kent
Grannie G do you think there is any chance at all the powers that be would aggree to him staying in permanent care, I'm sure I cant do it anymore.
I`m sure they would especially if you tell them in no uncertain terms that however badly you feel you know you will no longer be capable of meeting your husband`s needs.

It wouldn`t surprise me if the `powers that be` know this already and are just waiting for the go-ahead from you.
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
240
South East Coast.
I`m sure they would especially if you tell them in no uncertain terms that however badly you feel you know you will no longer be capable of meeting your husband`s needs.

It wouldn`t surprise me if the `powers that be` know this already and are just waiting for the go-ahead from you.
Thankyou Sarasa and GrannieG, yes I will. do that, I'm. going to my sister tomorrow so will ring them before I go, and tell. them. I'll ring them. again in about 4 days when I get back. The thought of it starting all. over again when he comes home is really scary
 

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