For those who want to know About Me.

[Marianne]

Hi Marianne!

Read what happened to your Dad, unfortunately, as you know it happens quite a lot.

Seams very wrong, odd even, for people to say it should not be talked about here.

Also when we can't manage at home, we have to ask for help, it is the only humane thing we can do! But God, having worked in the environment for years, and saw what I saw, which out weighed the good. I wish with all my heart, I could say it was the other way round.

What happened to your Dad was appalling, I am so sorry.

Regards
Jane

Hi Jane
Thankyou for your kind thoughts. I agree what happened to my dad was appalling and as you say this kind of treatment is not a one off, sadly.

The first home my dad went in was an EMI home, they stole his teeth, glasses, hearing aids clothes in fact almost everything vanished. A couple of weeks ago the same home was on the front page of my evening paper being accused by relatives of abuse and theft including teeth, glasses etc so nothing has changed.

If someone had told me of this before my dad took ill I would have never believed them, but after experience of three homes I would believe anything I am told.

Regards
Marianne

 

[Marianne]

No one is saying what happened to Marianne/ Maz's dad shouldn't be talked about. There are very many threads discussing these same issues.

I think the original issue was that a troubled and scared person was asking about nursing homes and Marianne/ Maz's reply was impassioned and from the heart, but unfortunately it was a blanket condemnation of all homes, in rather inflammatory language.

This is so untrue, how could I or why would I condemn all homes whn my dad only went in three. I speak as I find, and the troubled and scared person you speak of who was looking for a home was more troubled and scared than I was, I would call that well moderated.

Think how you would feel if you asked a question and received such an answer.

What answer? If it was impassioned and from the heart I would thank them.
Even in an internet forum, we must consider the effect our words have on others. I have very decided opinions on many subjects, but here I keep my mouth shut, simply because my views are not necessarily everyone's views. When I do post about certain subject, I think very carefully about what I say, as I don't want to be misinterpreted and hurt someone's feelings.

But let us not forget free speech, it is only through people having different points of view that you can have a healthy debate, just think how boring life would be if we all had the same point of view or if you couldn't voice your opinion, this must cause you great frustration having to keep your mouth shut.

I did post something once, a very little thing I thought, but it really upset another member. The member told me so, in a very nice way, and of course I apologized, as I felt very badly about it. I now consider that member to be a good and close friend. I think my faux pas actually brought us closer together but again, that member was very honest and straightforward about the emotions I elicited. Oh Please this is not life

Listen Joanne we are not in church, we are on a forum and we are adults having discussions and I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with me and I could possibly upset some along the way but we are grown ups, you have to get over it, get on with it, and not hold grudges.

So, we must be careful with what we say, as I'm sure no one wants to accidently hurt anyone else's feelings.
End of sermon. Please, everyone go on their way in peace

I don't mean to upset you but what is your reason for nosying at my profile was you up to mischief.
AMEN

 

[TinaT]

Hi Marianne,

I don't doubt for one minute that what you told us was the truth and I don't think anyone who read your post could fail to see the sincerity and passion in your post. Your honesty or sincerity was not in any doubt.

I remember your post; it made an impression on me both because of your sincerity and passion and was a subject I could empathise with. I also remember the mods pointing out that it was your experience but not the experience of all relatives/residents of care homes and that you had made some sweeping statements which could not be applied to all care homes.

I empathised with your agony because just over a year ago I was searching for a good home for my husband and posted abolut what I saw and how I had complained to the then CSCI and was initially dealt with very badly by them. I posted my feelings here on TP. I also posted 'blanket statements' because I was so upset and shocked by what I felt was the way the private care homes I had seen were on such a business footing, that the humanity of the residents was second place to profit.

My post was then followed by a strongly worded post from the mods (think it was Brucie) stating that some of my remarks were far too sweeping! I was stung and wounded by this as I felt my genuine experiences had been 'swept under the carpet' and that the response was unfair.

But as I continued on my search for a good home, and read many more posts from people who had relatives in care, I did understand the truth of my rebuke. I did find a good home for my husband, a very good home, with excellent care and have written about that too on posts but always in a way which showed that it was my own experience and never denying that not all care homes were as good they should be.

One year on, I would not want to allow a post such as I had written a year ealier to go unchallenged. I would not like that post, no matter how outraged and angry I felt, to give others who were worried and in their own distressing situation, such a bleak and generalised view on all care homes. It was my burden I was unloading at that time and mine only.

A year on from all of this my view of the experiences I had has not changed, but I would not have stated it in the way I did.

xxTinaT

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I am not upset - I often look at profiles because sometimes I can't remember the circumstances of the person posting and I want to refresh my memory.

Oh Please this is not life

Sorry, it's my life. It may not occur in your life but it does in mine.

But let us not forget free speech, it is only through people having different points of view that you can have a healthy debate, just think how boring life would be if we all had the same point of view or if you couldn't voice your opinion, this must cause you great frustration having to keep your mouth shut.

Yes, we mustn't forget free speech. But this is not a political arena. This is first and foremost a forum for SUPPORT. This place is specifically for people who have dementia and their carers who want support/ advice/ an ear from others in the same situation. It's not a place for debating or bringing other people around to our views.

Listen Joanne we are not in church, we are on a forum and we are adults having discussions and I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with me and I could possibly upset some along the way but we are grown ups, you have to get over it, get on with it, and not hold grudges.

We certainly aren't in church and I'm sorry if by using the phrase "end of sermon" I was implying some sort of religious belief system. I was actually trying to use a little humour and obviously failed completely. I agree we have to get over things and get on with it and not hold grudges. Let's all of us let grudges go and that would include you.

 

[Marianne]

I am not upset - I often look at profiles because sometimes I can't remember the circumstances of the person posting and I want to refresh my memory.

And does it take 3 mods to look.



Sorry, it's my life. It may not occur in your life but it does in mine.

What does? I think I have lost the plot or the will to live.



Yes, we mustn't forget free speech. But this is not a political arena. This is first and foremost a forum for SUPPORT. This place is specifically for people who have dementia and their carers who want support/ advice/ an ear from others in the same situation. It's not a place for debating or bringing other people around to our views.

I have never tried to bring anyone round to my way of thinking, I don't have the time and why would I want to do.

I joined this forum because my dad had severe dementia, he was abused physically and administered drugs without prescription because the home wanted the money but didn't want him. But I wasn't supposed to say that in case I upset someone.

Well you tell me, how do we put a STOP to this if we put our hands over our ears because of fear of hearing sad tales that my upset us, and we don't switch on Panorama in case it is a programme showing abuse of elderly. How do you propose we get this stopped. Please tell me I am all ears.

We certainly aren't in church and I'm sorry if by using the phrase "end of sermon" I was implying some sort of religious belief system. I was actually trying to use a little humour and obviously failed completely.

No we are not and Yes you did

I agree we have to get over things and get on with it and not hold grudges. Let's all of us let grudges go and that would include you.

I couldn't agree more

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Good, let's do it.

 

[DianeB]

The one thing (ok maybe 2) we all have in common is upset & grief because either we care or have cared or suffer from dementia. As my signature says experience is the best teacher and crikey we are all experiencing a nightmare.
I came on this forum a while ago and I can honestly say to me it has been a lifeline, the support and empathy shown has been outstanding.
Yes we had to place Mum in a nursing home, yes it cost a small fortune yes her glasses and items of clothing went missing and her teeth but to me I quite expected it as well because I was fore warned on here, not once did I think any of them were stolen, they went missing, Mum couldn't say when she last had them etc., and with regards to some of the items for eg false teeth why on earth would anybody want to steal false teeth, it isn't like they can fit anybody else or sell them on eBay
OK things like this shouldn't happen but they do, when you have a home full of sufferers that have little or no memory, it's all down to a search hunt.
It is terrible if one finds out that their care home isn't performing or up to sratch, worse if there is abuse and yes this needs to be fully stopped and each home etc should be held responsible and taken off the books and shut down. Anybody that has experienced this has my full empathy. When I wasn't happy about the lack of care my Mum received in hospital I did the best of what I could, and that was to start a petition alink was allowed on here in fact the mods gave it a sticky for me, and by the end it received nearly 1,000 signatures, many of them from members on here.

 

[Marianne]

Hi Marianne,

I don't doubt for one minute that what you told us was the truth and I don't think anyone who read your post could fail to see the sincerity and passion in your post. Your honesty or sincerity was not in any doubt.

It was a true and accurate account of my experience not a 'one off' as the moderator said, it happened in 2 seperate homes.

I remember your post; it made an impression on me both because of your sincerity and passion and was a subject I could empathise with. I also remember the mods pointing out that it was your experience but not the experience of all relatives/residents of care homes and that you had made some sweeping statements which could not be applied to all care homes.

Tina ask yourself how I could possibly have been speaking about all care homes I only experienced 3. A persn's own common sense should tell them that much.

I empathised with your agony because just over a year ago I was searching for a good home for my husband and posted abolut what I saw and how I had complained to the then CSCI and was initially dealt with very badly by them.

Yes me to, and how many others have been dealt with very badly by these agencies who are paid huge salaries to protect our elderly, because if they had got off their backsides when I was begging for help I would never have needed to join TP.

I posted my feelings here on TP. I also posted 'blanket statements' because I was so upset and shocked by what I felt was the way the private care homes I had seen were on such a business footing, that the humanity of the residents was second place to profit.

My post was then followed by a strongly worded post from the mods (think it was Brucie) stating that some of my remarks were far too sweeping! I was stung and wounded by this as I felt my genuine experiences had been 'swept under the carpet' and that the response was unfair.

I would have felt the same, because "who are we protecting the elderly who are being abused and paying huge amounts for the privilage or TP members who have their hands over their ears. For pities sake this is real, it is happening all over the country in care homes. Pick up or read online the morning papers Brucie had no right and I am sure he knows so".

But as I continued on my search for a good home, and read many more posts from people who had relatives in care, I did understand the truth of my rebuke. I did find a good home for my husband, a very good home, with excellent care and have written about that too on posts but always in a way which showed that it was my own experience and never denying that not all care homes were as good they should be.

I am really pleased for you Tina and your husband of course and I mean that sincerely because this is how it should be, not dreading having to go home and leave them, and not being able to sleep. I had to have an operation following my dad's terrible care as I twisted my knee trying to save him from falling off the bed where he had been left. I am sorry I don't understand the truth of your rebuke, but as I said we are not all built the same way.

One year on, I would not want to allow a post such as I had written a year ealier to go unchallenged. I would not like that post, no matter how outraged and angry I felt, to give others who were worried and in their own distressing situation, such a bleak and generalised view on all care homes. It was my burden I was unloading at that time and mine only.

I thought a trouble shared was a trouble halved, perhaps not, well not on here

A year on from all of this my view of the experiences I had has not changed, but I would not have stated it in the way I did.

xxTinaT

I never wanted tea and sympathy I wanted someone to say "have you contacted suchabody or how about this,in other words practical advice but I got a moderator who couldn't count and said "it's a one off".

 

[julieann15]

Care home whitewash

Hi maz,

I would like to let you know my experience- I lost both my parents from cancer whilst pregnant with my first child 17 years ago- my mum died the day before my son was born- I have felt immense anger at her not staying that extra day- when I met hubby in 2006 I soon became aware that his mum was having"memory problems" within the year it was diagnosed as AD- I too am angry that a woman of 80 with AD is now missing out on time with her beautiful grand-daughter as a result of this disease.
We have found a lovely care home 1.5 miles from us and when the time is right she will move there- with her blessing I hasten to add! As it is so close I have dropped in on numerous occasions at "odd" times of the day to check it out and never found anything untoward in fact i have been welcomed with hugs and smiles
You obviously had a very bad experience of care homes and I am so sorry for that- we are all here to help and that is what this forum is good at- good practical advice but we cannot "whitewash" care homes as bad places- in an ideal world I would have MIL live with us but we do not have the space- and I feel so guilty for that- sadly hubby's sister does not feel the same way?

Hope to see you around soon

Julie xx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

we are on a forum and we are adults having discussions and I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with me and I could possibly upset some along the way but we are grown ups, you have to get over it, get on with it, and not hold grudges.

Marianne, please take your own words above to heart and let go of this. You have made your point about how upset you are about this very clear.

I wanted someone to say "have you contacted suchabody or how about this,in other words practical advice but I got a moderator who said it's a one off.

 

[Bob S]

I do appreciate why you gave your details at the head of this thread, as it enabled you to put in a pitch for another web site.

.

There was no pitch by Marianne for another site Brucie, just mention of where she got some help from.Nothing more and nothing less.

 

[Marianne]

Sorry for the delay in replying I overlooked your post.

Yes we had to place Mum in a nursing home, yes it cost a small fortune yes her glasses and items of clothing went missing and her teeth but to me I quite expected it as well because I was fore warned on here, not once did I think any of them were stolen, they went missing, Mum couldn't say when she last had them etc., and with regards to some of the items for eg false teeth why on earth would anybody want to steal false teeth, it isn't like they can fit anybody else or sell them on eBay

I agree his teeth wouldn't have fitted anyone else, but believe me they were stolen not lost, I posted a link a couple of weeks ago but it was deleted, it was the main story in my local evening paper of the same home my dad was in and residents relatives were reporting abuse and theft of teeth, glasses, hearing aids so nothing has changed.

OK things like this shouldn't happen but they do, when you have a home full of sufferers that have little or no memory, it's all down to a search hunt.

They would have had to search many thousands of miles to find my dad's teeth and belongings.
It is terrible if one finds out that their care home isn't performing or up to sratch, worse if there is abuse and yes this needs to be fully stopped and each home etc should be held responsible and taken off the books and shut down.

I agree but then you find yourself up against the PCT, SS and when they are doing their utmost to protect the manager of the care home, what then. I have written over 100 letters and have reached the PM but he must be protecting the manager also. These politicians talk about what they will do to stop abuse but believe me it is talk.

Anybody that has experienced this has my full empathy. When I wasn't happy about the lack of care my Mum received in hospital I did the best of what I could, and that was to start a petition alink was allowed on here in fact the mods gave it a sticky for me, and by the end it received nearly 1,000 signatures, many of them from members on here.

Thankyou for your empathy, I will continue to fight for justice I must have hit a raw nerve with the owner of the home as he has taken it off his website.

 

[DianeB]

Maybe one of the problems is the old saying have you got evidence or proof, without it you could be wasting your efforts and breath, although I hope not.

 

[jenniferpa]

I agree his teeth wouldn't have fitted anyone else, but believe me they were stolen not lost, I posted a link a couple of weeks ago but it was deleted, it was the main story in my local evening paper of the same home my dad was in and residents relatives were reporting abuse and theft of teeth, glasses, hearing aids so nothing has changed.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=201520&postcount=16

 

[Marianne]

DianeB

Yes they fully admitted that the teeth, glasses,etc were stolen and where they would have gone. Please read the story about this home the link is in the post above, which I posted I think a couple of weeks ago when I read this story it is as though it was about my dad, it is identical.

My dad only spent 7 weeks at this home I moved him to a home recommended by SS supposedly the best home in town a 3 star home. In this home he was abused and given antipsychotic drugs without prescription which caused him to sleep miss meals and fall into diabetic coma. If you knew who owned this home you would be shocked, but he has taken it off his website.

 

[DianeB]

I wish all the loved ones seeking justice good luck, Mum was full of quotes, one being .... if at first you don't succeed try try again

 

[Marianne]

I wish all the loved ones seeking justice good luck, Mum was full of quotes, one being .... if at first you don't succeed try try again

Thankyou, I will let you know the outcome.

 

[Margarita]

In this home he was abused and given antipsychotic drugs without prescription which caused him to sleep miss meals and fall into diabetic coma.

Your think that would be class as a Violation of his human rights

So could be taken to the court of human rights for violating his human rights

But then who was funding your father care?

Because as far as I know if your in a privet run nursing care home or privet run residential care home and your self funded your not covered under the human rights law, unless social services are funding the care, then your coved under the human rights act law.

please correct me if I am wrong ?

Then you have to prove it !

 

[DianeB]

I hope your wrong Margarita, no matter who is paying for the care if a sufferer is unable to care for themselves and those in charge, no matter who the money is coming from they should be protected surely????

 

[connie]

Margarita is right.

See Link:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/jun/20/longtermcare.uknews

"Lords rule care homes not covered by human rights act."