Feeling Very Lost
- Thread starter ji2216
- Start date
Hi @ji2216 - thanks for taking the time to post.
I'll be the first to admit I don't have much experience of caring for a PWD first-hand (my parents look after my grandma a couple of times a week), but a lot of what you're saying about your dad's lack of attachment to his family and combative nature rings very true in relation to Grandma and her relationship with my family, especially my dad (her son). She's also very bad for confabulations and accusing those that point out her lapses (again, mostly my parents), as well as accepting outside help. If you take a look in the "difficult feelings" forum, you can read my thread on that whole saga, which may help.
As for the other issues you mention - the neighbours are simple to deal with in theory, as from what I can tell they have good intentions in placating your dad. If you approach them as his carer and say frankly that you think what they're currently saying plays into his delusions, they're likely to understand.
The obsessive focus is a tougher one. Again, my grandma has this in spades, particularly about rent letters, her bank book, or individuals stealing from her. The go-to method, for my parents and doubtless other carers on here, is distraction. My parents usually do this verbally, but others I've seen on here tell them they'll get back to something after watching a bit of TV, or having a cuppa. It's never guaranteed to work, but sometimes knowing you have something in your arsenal makes the symptoms of this disease that much easier to deal with.
Stay strong,
TC x
I'll be the first to admit I don't have much experience of caring for a PWD first-hand (my parents look after my grandma a couple of times a week), but a lot of what you're saying about your dad's lack of attachment to his family and combative nature rings very true in relation to Grandma and her relationship with my family, especially my dad (her son). She's also very bad for confabulations and accusing those that point out her lapses (again, mostly my parents), as well as accepting outside help. If you take a look in the "difficult feelings" forum, you can read my thread on that whole saga, which may help.
As for the other issues you mention - the neighbours are simple to deal with in theory, as from what I can tell they have good intentions in placating your dad. If you approach them as his carer and say frankly that you think what they're currently saying plays into his delusions, they're likely to understand.
The obsessive focus is a tougher one. Again, my grandma has this in spades, particularly about rent letters, her bank book, or individuals stealing from her. The go-to method, for my parents and doubtless other carers on here, is distraction. My parents usually do this verbally, but others I've seen on here tell them they'll get back to something after watching a bit of TV, or having a cuppa. It's never guaranteed to work, but sometimes knowing you have something in your arsenal makes the symptoms of this disease that much easier to deal with.
Stay strong,
TC x
Hi
Thank you for your reply.
The similarities are very interesting and I will absolutely take a look at that forum, thank you for mentioning it.
I tried to politely deal with the neighbours the other day but they were a bit sharp with me, basically saying that as I don't see him daily, how could I possibly know how he is. I said I know I don't but I speak to him most days, so I can clearly understand what is and isn't the case. I made it clear that the DLB is incurable and progressive. I think I will try again with your suggestion of it playing to his delusions and go from there. I don't want to anger them as they are being very supportive to him but I also don't want them to cause more harm than good.
The distraction is a good idea and definitely something I can try going forwards. I particularly struggle when it is something incorrect to do with Mum as that whole situation is still so raw.
Thanks again for your reply.
x
Thank you for your reply.
The similarities are very interesting and I will absolutely take a look at that forum, thank you for mentioning it.
I tried to politely deal with the neighbours the other day but they were a bit sharp with me, basically saying that as I don't see him daily, how could I possibly know how he is. I said I know I don't but I speak to him most days, so I can clearly understand what is and isn't the case. I made it clear that the DLB is incurable and progressive. I think I will try again with your suggestion of it playing to his delusions and go from there. I don't want to anger them as they are being very supportive to him but I also don't want them to cause more harm than good.
The distraction is a good idea and definitely something I can try going forwards. I particularly struggle when it is something incorrect to do with Mum as that whole situation is still so raw.
Thanks again for your reply.
x
Hello @ji2216 - I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to your mum, it must be so difficult for you having to deal with your S- father all the while also grieving for your mum.
You are never going to get him to understand that he has something wrong with him and all you are achieving is making him angry and he will simply dig his heels in. This is a little talked about, but very common, symptom of dementia called anosognosia and it means that he is literally unable to comprehend that he has dementia. In his mind he has not changed at all and you are all lying to him when you say that there are problems. Re the neighbours making him think he is getting better - does it really matter that he thinks he is? It is his reality.
The answer to this is what is known on here as "love lies" and I have also heard called "therapeutic untruths". Dont argue with him,or try using reasoning or logic as these are very early losses. You will never be able to bring him into reality, so you have to enter his. If he wont do something, come up with a reason why he should do it that will pacify him, or if he wants something that just cant happen, tell him a reason that will satisfy him. eg - when I wanted OH to sort out POA I told him that it was something everyone needs to do and better to do it now "while we still have all our marbles" - much better than saying - well now you have dementia its something that I need so that I can sort out your finances". I have learned to lie through my teeth in order to keep him happy.
You might find this link helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
You are never going to get him to understand that he has something wrong with him and all you are achieving is making him angry and he will simply dig his heels in. This is a little talked about, but very common, symptom of dementia called anosognosia and it means that he is literally unable to comprehend that he has dementia. In his mind he has not changed at all and you are all lying to him when you say that there are problems. Re the neighbours making him think he is getting better - does it really matter that he thinks he is? It is his reality.
The answer to this is what is known on here as "love lies" and I have also heard called "therapeutic untruths". Dont argue with him,or try using reasoning or logic as these are very early losses. You will never be able to bring him into reality, so you have to enter his. If he wont do something, come up with a reason why he should do it that will pacify him, or if he wants something that just cant happen, tell him a reason that will satisfy him. eg - when I wanted OH to sort out POA I told him that it was something everyone needs to do and better to do it now "while we still have all our marbles" - much better than saying - well now you have dementia its something that I need so that I can sort out your finances". I have learned to lie through my teeth in order to keep him happy.
You might find this link helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Hello @ji2216, welcome to TP from me too.
I note that you are, understandably, feeling lost. It may assist you to check for local support services near you. You can do a post code check for services by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you.
If you feel it would help to speak to one of the AS experts the help line details are:-
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
Beyond that do keep posting.
I note that you are, understandably, feeling lost. It may assist you to check for local support services near you. You can do a post code check for services by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you.
If you feel it would help to speak to one of the AS experts the help line details are:-
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
Beyond that do keep posting.
I have just read your thread and my first thought was, why take this on? Walk away. You have grief to deal with and your own life to live. Social services owes him a duty of care, you do not. Take care. Heal. Think of your mother with pleasure in the memory. {hug}
