feeling very down and having awful thoughts?

[nerak]

the last few days have been awful and I think the reality of this illness is starting to sink in and that it will get worse way worse.

Never until now have I been having bad thoughts that wouldnt it be better if mum just died now in her sleep or whatever just quickly so I wouldnt have to watch this??

Maybe thats selfish but just look at her and her silly little grin away in her world and think what life has she got whats going to happen to her?

Please tell me you all must feel like this sometimes?? I read the people who have just lost someone and then feel so terrible and guilty.

I love my mum to bits but there are days when I hate her and especially when shes putting me down on the phone to my sister ripping me apart more like.

She dosnt know im listening and can hear it all listening to her say im never there and do nothing just makes you fit to burst with anger.

This is just horrible and getting worse last night was my night out and when I came back she had decided to paint the living room paint chairs you name it everywhere I just cry and havnt been mentally able to tackle it for now until i calm doan again.

Its so draining the constant mess the madness of this painting in the middle of the night what the hell is next

 

[britlec]

the last few days have been awful and I think the reality of this illness is starting to sink in and that it will get worse way worse.

Never until now have I been having bad thoughts that wouldnt it be better if mum just died now in her sleep or whatever just quickly so I wouldnt have to watch this??

Maybe thats selfish but just look at her and her silly little grin away in her world and think what life has she got whats going to happen to her?

Please tell me you all must feel like this sometimes?? I read the people who have just lost someone and then feel so terrible and guilty.

I love my mum to bits but there are days when I hate her and especially when shes putting me down on the phone to my sister ripping me apart more like.

She dosnt know im listening and can hear it all listening to her say im never there and do nothing just makes you fit to burst with anger.

This is just horrible and getting worse last night was my night out and when I came back she had decided to paint the living room paint chairs you name it everywhere I just cry and havnt been mentally able to tackle it for now until i calm doan again.

Its so draining the constant mess the madness of this painting in the middle of the night what the hell is next

Yes I think we all feel like this to varying degrees and I am one of those who posted feelings of guilt and shame. There's a whole mess of emotions whirling around when you have to look after someone like this - you hate to see them suffer but you also hate to suffer yourself. This is normal surely - who wants to suffer?! I adored my father but hated him also sometimes and hated myself at the same time...
I would have gone mad over the chair-painting episode! You can't cope on your own - are you the only carer? Have you talked to your sister about the situation? talked to your GP, social services etc? Keep posting here too - it helps to get things out of the system. Big hugs

 

[Noorza]

I think in a way it prepares us for their passing. Ten years ago my sister and I fell out because I wouldn't agree to turn Mum's life support off (even though the doctors hadn't even asked us at that point). She had ten more difficult but good years until dementia set in. I was not ready to let her go but I am now, it would be a release from her suffering in all honesty.

If I had a magic wand I would make it go away, and have my old mum back but I can't and it's awful knowing it is only going to get worse. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[nerak]

Thanks for your support im quite a strong person but this is a huge challenge! Im also in alot of pain my back just went yesterday the stress of the mess here is affecting my health.

I rang the nurse to get some help here as we had to get rid of the last carer she was useless and did not have a caring bone in her body.

Anyway mums situation is being reasessed?? a nurse is suppose to be calling when who knows??

Cant talk to my sister as shes caused nothing but problems here. I heard my mum on the phone last week saying that money went missing from what I could hear it was like my sister agreed that I may have taken it?? since then I cant have her near me she just listens to mam and thinks mam is the victim here???

my bro in uk is great but has started a new job so I dont want to stress him too much but there is not alot he can do yet as he lives abroad he agrees that she may have to go into a home as shes not safe here on her own.

up on a high chair here on her own PAINTING i mean crazy stuff!!!! the other day she upturned the spare room clothes everywhere??????????

Dont know how anyone copes? Im not coping I suppose when youre in pain its worse as i cant clean up

shes away to respite in 2wks so please god the staff will notice and things will start moving...........................

My mum has convinced my other bro and sis that im the nut and that shes stressed with me here THEN when shes ill she will say im so glad shes here????????????????????? the frustration is just too much.

MAybe they should use this challenge as part of SAS training!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Noorza]

So many things in your life are the same as mine from the dysfunctional family to the bad back. Thankfully I don't live with her, that would be too intense for me.

 

[nerak]

So many things in your life are the same as mine from the dysfunctional family to the bad back. Thankfully I don't live with her, that would be too intense for me.

Yes Noorza but I think you have it worse with your kids that just must be too much! I suppose I am lucky that its JUST my mum cant even imagine my mum then kids needing my time also i would just commit myself!!

My cat keeps me saine!! I have 2 very good friends one of them stopped by with a pkt of cigs as I cant walk how wonderful is he!!

Yep family means NOTHING after this I want DNA testing I cannot beleive I am related to these cold horrible people.

On top of all this **** my father hasnt got long ive made my peace with him have forgiven him

Funny when things got very bad here for me at xmas it was my dad I ran to???? I understand why he left her shes a VERY angry woman and her anger will escalate with this BUT she was caring and nurturing when we were growing up! lets face it you can LOVE your parents dosnt mean you have to like them!!!

 

[LYN T]

I would be furious if I had ever come home to THAT! I came home once a day after painting the stair bannister-OH had rubbed it down all the paint was taken off it.!
Just to make sure he had done a 'good job' he'd also taken a chisel to the wood! Gouges everywhere!

I think if there was a survey on TP most carers would admit to having the same feelings as you.We are all grieving -but the person we once knew is still here. Still looking the same-but not the same.

The fact you have no family support (or any other support) must be exhausting for you. I do hope you get some soon.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Jaycee23]

First of all I know exactly where you are coming from regarding sibling problems. I have had two of the most terrible years dealing with mum's dementia and spite and jealousy from both my siblings and awful brother in law. They happily accused me of stealing from mum(once I was supposed to have stolen £66,000 which is a somewhat figure they came up with!) and I said why don't you go to the police then and deep down they knew that I hadn't but just wanted to be vindictive. I will not go on as I have done so several times on TP and probably bored the sculls out of many readers so do not go on about it anymore. That is what I did first of all. I looked at my mum who is now in a nursing home after being sectioned and know that she is never going to change, only get worse or sedated! I have had to grow a very hard skin and ignore all of what is said and friends and relatives who know me do not think for one moment that any of these lies are true! Your sister if she is anything like mine will gladly want you upset and will continue if allowed to. My brother has a personality disorder so I have had a life of practice but because he was behaving so badly in front of my mum and distressing her that was when it hurt me. The trouble was, I can walk away but my mum is left distraught. Your mum may not have control by what your sister says and it leaves her anxious and she takes it out on you. I think dementia is reflective as when you start to behave towards them in a certain way they mirror it. I know that in the early days when mum was at home if I was to visit and started to ***** (which I never did I will add) my mum would join in gladly. But I was usually the one who had to go there and calm her down. She said some dreadful things sometimes when her anxiety was at a peak and I just walked away and say mum I love you but I am not listening to this. At that stage she would sometimes remember she had said something as it left her with a bad feeling but did not know what she had said and would phone me and say sorry. I am sorry that you are having to live with this because your mum is with you. I think that you really need to think about yourself and when your mum goes into respite this would be a good time. I found a very good website about victimhood and how we allow others to make us feel bad but we can stop this by changing our own behaviour and thought patterns. As your sister is intent on making your life hard you are allowing her to because you are emotional and stressed. I hope you get better and it might be a good idea for your brother to give you some support even though he has a new job a few minutes on the phone can help no end. Best wishes.

 

[Jaycee23]

Sorry I also wanted to add that I have also wished my mum out of this terrible disease. Only a couple of days ago she sat on the bed quite lucid and said J I just really want to die and go with your dad, I really want to go I have had enough. I was heartbroken and looked at her and wished she could have her wish as she hates her life.

 

[nerak]

Just noticed my spelling is awful! I dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to work as a legal assistant now I cant spell?? oh my head today like WHOOSH I mean MUSH!!!!!!! So stressed and scared and guilty and tired and sore and angry but I will get through this!!

 

[nerak]

Sorry dont want to seem VERY depressing BUT anyone seen "OL MAN RIVER" was on here yesterday cried a river!! but cried the first time I saw it!

"im tired of living and scared of dying" thats my mum. so sad

What a great movie!!

Sniff!

 

[artyfarty]

Can't tell you how guilty I felt about wishing my mum would die in her sleep rather than for this hell to be prolonged - until I read the other threads on here with others feeling the same way. Think we all feel like this sometimes?! Completely understandable.

 

[CollegeGirl]

You are not alone. I feel like this too.

I would never have wanted my old mam to die, but this new one, this imposter ... well I feel differently about her. I know my dad would be devastated, but I hope she is taken sooner rather than later. The thought of her being bed ridden, unable to speak or swallow, is absolutely horrific, and I pray that she dies before she gets to that stage. I know she wouldn't want it for herself.

 

[jasmineflower]

Hi Nerak,
Just wanted to send you a hug. You sound at the end of your tether. My husband and I were in the same position as your sister: my MIL would phone and tell terrible stories of my SIL - she would come in and go through the cupboards to see what she could take; she would look round the house to see what valuables she could steal and that she wanted them put away in homes. Honestly, she was as plausible and normal sounding as could be. Luckily I had already discovered TP and had followed similar threads, plus my SIL and my hubbie used to phone each other regularly (she was local and we are 200 miles away). It still fills me with horror that had it not been for TP. We might just have believed my MIL's stories! Maybe you should point your sister towards TP to gain a better picture of the condition. I have learnt more here than from any book or doctor.

My story doesn't have a happy ending: after all this abuse, aggression and accusations my SIL backed off caring for her mum, she couldn't take it and my FIL wouldn't accept any outside help to make life easier for everyone. At the end of last year my poor SIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died six weeks later. It makes me so sad that she died rembering her "dementia" mum and not her real one.

I would urge you to make a move to getting more outside help for your mum as this situation just gets worse. Maybe you could try and get SS round (with all the paint and mess there) and say how fearful you are for your mum's safety to see if that speeds things up ...I don't know how your system works. I do know that you deserve a life of your own. This awful disease drags even the most committed and determined carers to their knees and then plagues them with guilt because they can't cope.

You are doing your best in an impossible situation and we are all behind you offering our virtual support.
Hope you feel more positive tomorrow.
J x

 

[glennie]

I am new to the forum, but what you have all said is exactly like my hubby, he hasn't got to the destructive state, but he can be so nasty, he keeps saying..its you that has dementia not me..get yourself to the doctors....my confidence has been absolutely shattered. I only have one daughter, but she is unable to help as she lives a distance away. All my family live in Newcastle ,and my sister lost her hubby with Alzh. a couple of year ago..we talk a lot on the phone, but she is elderly too and cannot travel./ BUT thank goodness I have no siblings to cause me aggro. I have COPD, and not supposed to smoke, but my ciggy helps a lot and of course my little dog.
Being on this Forum has helped me get my sanity back a bit, and as I have said in an earlier comment..hubby and I have been married 64 years in Jan. In a way that helps me
cope (up till now anyhow). Oh isn't it lovely to let your hair down!!!
TAKE CARE glennie

 

[zeeeb]

Yes, I think that it would be far more pleasant to suffer a quick heart attack and be done with it rather than drag the whole family through what is to come. I think about it far too often. And with someone I know who just committed suicide a few weeks ago at 38, I'm thinking about it even more now.

For me, if I ever get alzheimer's, I will actively refuse medical treatment and make sure it's duly and legally noted that I don't want pace makers, cancer treatments, resuscitation, etc. etc. It's such a torturous and long ordeal. Makes no sense that they sometimes live to a ridiculous old age, like my poor old granmother inlaw, who is 97 in December, has had alzheimers for 20 odd years.

 

[nerak]

GEAR MY SIS TOWARDS THIS SITE ARE YOU MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is my heaven,my space etc............

My bro is going to suggest she joins one in france OR ive told her to speak to her doctor.

Ive even told my bro that im on a forum in Australia oh god no so they can see all the rants about them no this is my space my oasis of PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im laughing out loud imagining Noorza when she sees this thread and her sister pops up online

Oh you have to laugh or youd burst!!

Sorry am on very strong drugs for back pain(side effects EUPHORIA) oh yes gimme gimme

 

[JennyS]

Feeling guilty.......again

I've only ever made one or two posts on here because I can usually find the answer to a question in one of the threads. However, I'm struggling this time with terrible guilt feelings due to a number of things. My 80 year old mum, before she was diagnosed, was a home loving lady who was spotlessly clean about everything including herself. Now when I go to her house, there's a terrible smell as soon as I set foot in her door, so bad that I've taken to putting perfume under my nose so I can't smell it. My brother & I have tried the cleaning routine but after a day it's back to how it was. I believe some of the problem lies with never opening the windows, but I wondered if it was something other than that we must be missing. Another thing is her personal hygiene - we're convinced she isn't showering/bathing, although she insists she is,the bath is always dry and there are never any damp towels around. I'm struggling with the fact that I should be able to let her know she's not clean and offer to help her in the bathroom. I don't know why, but I just can't and I simply couldn't bathe or shower her (not that she'd allow me to anyway). Surely this can't be right? I feel so guilty that I'm not able to do this for my own mother. Has anyone else felt like this? When we go out for the day I check her clothing is clean and can quite easily let her know if what she's wearing is dirty and ask her to change. This offends her a lot and she says I'm cruel for telling her. I don't know of any other way of saying it. She has carers twice daily purely for meds prompts & I'm thinking I should add another call to help her shower/bathe daily. I know that if I even made so much of a suggestion of doing this she would be horrified. Does anyone have any ideas how to get around this?
Now I've just realised I've posted in response to another post which mine is nothing to do with! Grrrrrrrr......sorry

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Jenny

Why don`t you try to get help for your mother to bathe or shower without discussing it and let the carers make the suggestion.

As for the smell. Have you checked where dirty clothes are kept? Is your mother responsible for her own laundry? If not you might uncover the root cause of the problem with a quick search of drawers and the bottom of the wardrobes.

 

[garnuft]

Can't the Moderators move Jenny's thread to a new thread?