feeling the guilt !

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by angd, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. angd

    angd Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    hi so im a newbie on here , its taken a long time for me personally to actually admit that i cant hold on to my feelings & frustrations of caring for my mum who has vascular dementia (middle stages rocketing on to later stages ) i have contact numbers from navigo that im able to use but ive always thought of myself being strong & not needing to tell my personal feelings & frustrations to . im also not sure if this is the place to tell how im feeling either but some how it helps a little just to put it on paper so to speak to people that dont know me or my family , my dad is now the main carer of mum i have 3 brothers & 1 sister who also helps with mum a lot although shes is going through a tough time herself fighting cancer so the majority of it falls to myself , ive always been the 1 person in the family that dad has called when times are tough , i wouldnt have it any other way i suppose he also needs to vent so im there for him ,. i work full time aswell as trying to run my household , my husband is currently working away so how my house turns into a bombshell i never know . most nights from work or the odd day i get off i go help mum get into the shower as most know hygiene is generally the first to be compromised , sometimes im not able to even though i have to lie (hate doing it ) to get her to try out a new shower gel or shampoo ! my own life dosnt seem to be my own its constantly revolved around my mum , this is were the guilt kicks in so today i have a random day off thinking i need to be doing something at home just to chill out potter about take the day to myself .just one phone call from my dad has made this guilty feeling that i should be there helping mum into the shower my dad is able to help her with it but its now come for myself or my sister to be expected to be there helping , sometimes i just want to be able to go & just sit & chat & have a cup of tea & not have to deal with the caring side does that make me a bad person ? , i think ive raved enough for now & im sorry if this shouldnt be on here i can delete if need be . just a way for me to spout of without hurting anybodys feelings x
  2. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Of course you should be here - and no, you are not a bad person. You are a tired and worried person.

    It's so great for your Dad that he is getting support from you and your sister. Is he getting any support from SS e.g. is your Mum getting attendance allowance that could pay for a few hours help from professional carers? If not, perhaps this is something one of your brothers could help to sort out if they aren't able to do any "hands on" caring to help out.

    Please don't feel guilty for just wanting some time to yourself.
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi angd, welcome to TP
    "i think ive raved enough" call that a rave, that's not even throwing your toys out of the pram compared to how some of us feel:D
    It gets to us all sometimes, this disease would test the patience of a saint, we all get door slamming, hair tearing, head banging, cat kicking mad sometimes and that doesn't make us bad people, it means we're normal. Until you have to do it I don't think many people realise how much time it takes to look after someone and how much time it takes. I can have a shower, wash and dry my hair in under 30 minutes, to do the same for my wife takes probably nearer 2 hours, everything takes at least twice as long if you're lucky. If you have 3 brothers and a sister (sorry to read about the cancer) involved too can't you work out a rota so you have some time which is just "you" time, no phone calls or guilt trips? I understand that they can't help with the showering but don't let everything get pushed on to you.
  4. angd

    angd Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    hi thanks for the response just feeling low today & yes tired i have these mini meltdowns every now & then then i have a chat with myself tell myself to pick myself up which i generally do . mum does get does get disability aswell as attendance allowance yes she is also disabled being am amputee (shes had a right tough ole time ) but at the moment my dad refuses any outside help he thinks he can cope which yes we can to an extent for now & when the time comes im prepared to finish work to be there ( mums always said never put me in them homes ) so will try to extend her wishes to the best we can just for the morality of it really , i say i have 3 brothers which i do & really cannot expect them to help with hygiene side of things although 1 brother has taken himself away from us (his words i cannot bear to see mum like this i cant handle it ) frustrates me aswell as the rest of us we cant handle mum being like this but we do & we can her old normal has gone but were now well trying to welcome the new normal , would help if he just popped in to say hello but he would rather walk past the house but hey ho ive no time for him now weve tried talking & helping but hes to set on what he cant see wont hurt !! shame really ! my other brothers do try to help as much as but 1 being a long distance lorry driver his only time is maybe a sunday & he also has his own family but he tries to get when he can . so between us all we do try our best just sometimes i am the 1 that everything falls upon to which i suck it up & get on with it , just at times its bloomimg hard & when i cannot do things to help for other commitments or just the time for myself thats when the guilt & the selfish ness kicks in .
  5. angd

    angd Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    thanks thought i was already in that club anyway ! maybe this is the best place to rant & rave its usually the hubby thats gets the frustration of mine along with the tears & heartache i go through , he understands me to an extant but not truelly as he tells me i do to much i need to take a step back let others help , not as easy as that sometimes , maybe im to soft ha x
  6. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015

    Don't worry about it - I find every time I talk about it I end up in tears so it's better I do it online
  7. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    It's not about being soft, it's about recognising that your and your husband's lives are important too. And please think very hard indeed before you give up your job which may compromise your futures seriously. I don't believe your mum would want that for you.
  8. Droopy

    Droopy Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015

    I'm a newbie on here as well but your words really hit home, I am caring for my dad who has Vascular Dementia, I am with him most of the day and evening except for taking kids to school etc, my husband is great keeping everything going at home and helping with dad when he can, or when I let him. I also feel like I want to rattle on about dad and what he has said or done today, everyone keeps telling me to ask for help but I don't want anyone else looking after dad (mum passed away 4 years ago and my brother lives in London) but sometimes it does get too much and I'd love to just have a moan without anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't do. You are not a bad person, just human, but sometimes it does it a bit too much doesn't it? As for the guilt??? I feel guilty when I'm with dad, thinking I should be at home or doing more for him and I feel guilty when not with him as I feel he needs me up with him. Can never win, think guilt comes with this territory. Take a bit of time out for yourself! Do as I say not as I do :) x
  9. angd

    angd Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    thanks pickles , i do understand our lives & my own family are important also & that they need me as much as what my parents do , i try to please everybody sometimes it works sometimes it dosnt but they all understand how i feel & how i cope , i get to spend quality time with the hubby as i said he works away so i get a little break when i get over to see him :) im not ready to give up work as yet still have things to do & cash to save but ill be prepared when the time comes , x
  10. angd

    angd Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    hey droopy , it really has taken me a long time to be able to get things of my chest i generally keep eveything so close i talk to my close friends & have a moan or a grumble or even go on about how good things have been ,theyve learnt just to agree & nod & let me go off on 1 , just sometimes hurts a ickle when it is me that seems to be there but im the 1 that mum dosnt know . not quite sure who she thinks i am as when i ask she just says well you should know !! , im not saying the others arnt as they are when they can , nope the brothers cannot do as much as myself as i am able to get time off for appointments & other things with mum & i know if i ever just need a hug there all there for me , myself & dad have always had a great relationship & i often get the micky taken from the siblings for being a daddys girl so i think its sometmes easier for him to talk & vent off which i usually can talk him calm get him making a cuppa & give advice on whatever is going on at the time .( half the time im not sure if its right but many a time its worked ! ) ive been reading through some of these forums & seen how other people cope sometimes theres the sadness & others of happiness i suppose its all a big learning curve that we have to go along with as ive said before the old normal has gone now we start a new normal , of course happy memories are still there of growing up & doing the things we did with our parents but this is a whole new journey with sometimes a bumbpy ride x
  11. Girlonthehill

    Girlonthehill Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    Rant away!!

    If we can't rant here where can we??? Just reading the various posts makes me feel better just knowing that I am not alone. Women ( and some men)seem to be hardwired as caregivers and see ourselves as failing if we ask for help. God knows I must be the biggest failure (not asking you guys for sympathy) I cannot get my head round this at all.

    Today I am stealing all the money, mum has three daughters now (I am an only child), I do nothing for them etc etc etc,

    I must have been at the back of the queue when they gave out patience cos I have to walk away, I need to reason with her and I KNOW that is wrong. She has three doctor's appointments next week God alone knows how I am going to get her there - she hates them. As soon as they ask her 1 question she is off, shouting!!They always ask the same blooming questions - what day is, what month is it? what year is it? - sometimes I don't know the answer to that!!!

    I feel so sorry for my dad after 66 years of marriage she calls him 'that man' and does nothing for him at all - he had a stroke just before xmas. he asked her for a cup of tea this morning, 3 hours later nothing! he has trouble walking and standing so needs help. We had to stop the carers as she couldn't cope with the 'strangers'. Stopped them after I found her almost throttling a young carer!!
    This is a horrible horrible disease and time some serious research was done - there are too many of us living too long. I don't want it. I DO NOT want my son to have to go thru with me what I am going through now.
    Sorry that's my rant over!!!:p

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