1. kenaidog

    kenaidog Registered User

    Apr 8, 2013
    164
    This is probably going to sound stupid but i suppose im wondering if anyone else feels the same as me. The funeral was just yesterday and ive just listened to the songs i chose for my mam and they have not upset me at all, really they are having a different effect on me. When my dad died i couldnt bare to listen to any song that reminded me of death of really emotional, never mind the song they played at his funeral. I all most feel that its wrong that i dont feel as bad as i did with him. The only thing i can put this down too is that over these last few years i have felt a lose each time she has been moved and saw the change. Weeks ago when i was told to make the end of life plan i cried at the thought of choosing her songs and now , well i dont know! is this even normal, am i normal. Shouldnt i be crying all day long! I dont want to be of course but i feel that this is odd.
    Maybe its the fact that i have had to deal with this all on my own, my own family at home have still been here of course but as for sorting things out, no one could do much really and i have had to tale charge of it all.:(
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,481
    Female
    London
    Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong or "normal". Don't let conventions dictate how you should feel. Sorry for your loss.
     
  3. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    As Beate says, grieving is extremely personal and individual. Perhaps you're simply emotionally numb with everything that has gone on. I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do - it's the mind's way of protecting itself after so much turmoil and anguish.
     
  4. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,653
    Hampshire
    Kenaidog - there is no rule book on how to deal with death and grieving and I have found it changes every day. For your own peace of mind try to accept that is how you are today and tomorrow could be the same or totally different - there is no right or wrong. Be kind to yourself, hugs xx
     
  5. TDA

    TDA Registered User

    Mar 3, 2015
    25
    Hi, my father died just before xmas, and I found him in the morning, total autopilot until the funeral, barely cried. He had been ill for a few years (not dementia) and we'd had many scares/hospital visits and I had been very scared and upset regularly, and it was a bit of a relief really. Even now when my mum (who has mixed AZ) gets upset I can't cry with her.

    I suppose it will come in the end, I imagine I'll feel the same with Mum, all the crying for the loss has already been done.
     
  6. fredsnail

    fredsnail Registered User

    Dec 21, 2008
    649
    I know how you feel - when my Grandfather passed away in November I had to organise everything as I was named as executor so didn't have time or feel I was grieving.

    I dealt with probate myself until I got a very threatening email from a beneficiary who'd not seen Grandad for over 20 years demanding to approve all payments made from estate funds otherwise he would regard any payments as a misappropriation of estate funds at which point I handed it to a solicitor to deal with.

    The next day would have been Grandad's birthday and and on the same day my Mum was called back to her oncologist due to her cancer returning despite being ill since January when her consultant dismissed the symptoms as stress due to Grandad passing away.

    At which point it was Niagara Fall's at work and I was sent home because I couldn't stop crying - it really hit me then how much I missed Grandad and how I'd been so busy dealing with things and coping with things I'd not grieved properly.

    Even now I think I haven't really grieved properly as I still feel quite numb regarding Grandad and I think I grieved more when he was alive at the loss of certain stages in his illness.

    I'm sure it will all come at some point - but I wouldn't worry that's it's not following an expected path of grief - we are all unique in our experiences and characters so grief is very much like dementia - everyone is affected differently.
     
  7. 1953barney

    1953barney Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    66
    Suffolk
    My mum passed in April and I felt like I was in a bubble on autopilot, this carried on after the funeral on the 19th May. I still don't seem to be able to cry, everything feels like it is happening to someone else. We are waiting now for an appointment to scatter mums ashes back in Yorkshire, as my dad is scattered there, so I wonder if it will be real then I don't know.
     
  8. jawuk

    jawuk Registered User

    You have already spent a long time grieving for your mother and now her passing has brought a finality. You are dealing with the side issues of death but once that is all sorted you will have time and the energy for reflection. You may still find that tears don't come but that doesn't mean that you aren't as utterly saddened by the loss as anyone else in similar circumstances.
     
  9. janma221

    janma221 Registered User

    Apr 23, 2013
    284
    Powys
    They call dementia the long goodbye and now my mother is very ill (she has mixed dementia and has just been diagnosed with cancer) I feel as if the person I knew and who knew me vanished a long time ago. Please don't beat yourself up grief is a strange thing and everybody deals with it differently.
    Love and hugs
    Jan xx
     
  10. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Kenaidog
    I am an only child, so dealt with everything with the backing of my husband and son.
    I was more upset during Mum`s illness, organising her funeral than afterwards. As mentioned in some replies you have, it could be that we have spent many years saying "goodbye" to the personality of our loved ones, very subtle goodbyes, even to the last few days for me and Mum, when her body went to sleep, I said goodbye to our hugs and her responses to my them and kisses. Bedridden I couldn`t comfortably get my arms around her. Then no response from her hand that I held, another goodbye. It has been years of what I call "changing my mind-set" as the decline progressed, that in a way has left us with the goodbye to the physical. In fact, I was very much in "business mode" making decisions with GPs,Carers, overseeing everything after her passing before the funeral directors came, this mode continued until after the funeral. I had sorted out all her belongings etc over the years, so again saying goodbye to her home/possessions etc gradually, so now everything is sorted, I rest, recover and readjust and my family are now seeing the new me, free of responsibility and emotional turmoil this whole experience has had on me over the past 8 years. Yes we all grieve differently and there is no right nor wrong, but I quite often use a term I used when caring for Mum and trying to udnerstand dementia which is "go with the flow" we cannot change whats happening to them or us, so no more fight, live in the NOW.
    Hope this helps
    Heather x:)
     

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