1. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    I haven't returned to Talking Point for over 2 years as I reached a point of pure exhaustion juggling Mum's mixed VasD and Alzheimers, Dad's multiple physical health problems etc. When I look back over the past 8 years, it hardly seems credible that so much has happened but in a cruel stroke of fate, totally unexpected because Dad had had so many physical health problems for so long, Mum suddenly passed away Jan 2018 when a 'sniffle' suddenly turned to sepsis and we lost her after just 4 days of ill-health in hospital. The shock was immense, the loss is immeasurable but I still am thankful that she didn't suffer physically for long, she knew most of the family by face (not always name) and I was able to get the family to come to say goodbye the day she died and me and my sister were with her - in this respect we were lucky and we weren't taken from her by the dementia; she knew we were with her and knew how much she was loved; she still is and I miss her with all my heart.
    I gave up work 6 months later as I was exhausted, ill and just needed to follow my own neglected dreams after some rest. Dad now has full-time live-in Care for his physical needs (wheelchair bound) and I still visit 4 times a week and care for all his finances, house issues etc and he relies on me emotionally as I have always been there. Sadly, Dad now has VasD and I feel numb; I don't want to think about what lies ahead again; I don't feel I can face it again but I know it isn't anyone's fault and I know we are lucky that a full-time live-in Carer is already in place. But I'm also angry that we are here again; I don't want to feel resentful but I feel like I'm fighting still to get my own life back after the last 8 years and all I can see is those dreams disappearing again. I just want to cry. I'm sorry to put this here but this is one of the few places I can let the mask slip and be honest about how I feel; everyone else just thinks I have this inexhaustible supply of strength and coping. This forum is probably the only place where the true enormity and impact will be understood. Thank you just for reading this.
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @janey106, that must, indeed, be very distressing for you.

    Don't be sorry about posting on the forum as we are all here for you. Unfortunately, we all travel the same bumpy road so you will get understanding from the membership. I'm glad you feel that you can be open here.
  3. patbryn

    patbryn Registered User

    Mar 22, 2019
    Unless you want and I do mean really want to look after Dad then don't, you don't have to, there is no law to say you must, love has its limits and you have done so much in the past that no one can judge you, you are a hero.
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Dont applologise - you have done so much already. I think that if you continue as you are then you will become ill.
    Find some way to offload.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s not unusual @janey106 unless others have walked in your shoes or are prepared to exchange sympathy and so called understanding for practical help and support to give you a break.

    Do you need to visit four times a week? Could you pare it down to two? It might be the lesser of two evils because even though your dad depends on you emotionally if you break you won`t be there at all.

    Two free days each week might enable you to pursue your own interests or simply rest
  6. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Dear Janey,

    I'm sorry you are hear again and I hope you are getting help from those that think you have all the strength of an ox. I just want to say that I think you have the strength that those who have never cared for a dementia sufferer know nothing about.

    Hugs to you

  7. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    If a live in carer is in place,why do have to visit so often? As others have said, you need a life of your own. And you seem to recognize that you have dreams and ambitions. What's stopping you pursuing some of these? A sense of duty?
  8. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Most definitely, incredibly tough and stressful years for you, I understand completely.
    I cared for Mum through a leukemia diagnosis, early stage bowel cancer and then Alzheimers for 5 yrs and then she went into care 3 yrs ago.
    Despite Mum & Dad living behind me, Dad was as helpful as a chocolate teapot as they say. I have siblings but majority of everything left to me.
    In between I was working and looking after my own family.
    My daughter had a health confition although manageable, in hindsight I should have been there for her, but instead made Mum my no 1 priority.
    Now Dad has been diagnosed with mixed dementia. Im not surprised, but for my own sake and sanity, I am far less hands on than what I was with Mum.
    I have already had a Needs Assesment done, and have applied for Respite ( when needed), and all the other financial allowances in place too.
    If a crisis happens, I will be a lot quicker in seeing to Residential Care than trying to struggle through it for Dads sake. My needs this time simply come first.

    I hope you can come to some arrangement that benefits you.
    take care

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