1. wazzer

    wazzer Registered User

    Jun 4, 2008
    112
    North west England.
    Hi,
    This is only my second post and am grateful for the replies I had to my first and to all the information available on this forum. Reading the forum has made me realise that there are a lot of people in a far worse position than I am. My mum has moderate to severe alzheimers and is currently on Aricept which I hope is slowing things down.
    To-day I took my mum out, which I often do, as a visit to the park and a little walk is quite enjoyable for her and sometimes we visit my dad's grave which is nearby. To-day being Fathers Day we went to the cemetery which we have done many times before but as I was putting the flowers on the grave my mum asked why was I putting flowers on there and whose grave was it anyway. I suddenly felt very deflated in that she did not recognise her own husbands grave. My dad died when I was only in my very early twenties and his memory means a great deal to me but mum's comment really did hurt.
    In my head I know I should not stop taking her to visit the grave but in my heart is it worth the pain it will cause to me that she does not recognise who is buried there or am I being selfish. I tried to explain but I am afraid my emotions took over.
    So to-day I am feeling sad and low but know that no matter how much it hurts she is my mum and I will carry on looking after her. This is a horrible, horrible condition which is slowly 'stealing' my mums life away from her and there is nothing I can do about it.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Wazzer

    Sorry you've had such a depressing day. But I'm sure your mum enjoyed her walk with you.

    I think you should think very carefully about taking your mum to your dad's grave. She does not recognise it, and probably does not even remember her husband is dead. So it will upset her to keep being reminded.

    It's not her fault she can't remember, though it is hurtful to you -- and probably upset her more to see that you were upset!

    I think it would be better just to take her for walks in the park, and for you to visit your dad's grave at some other time.

    Just my opinion, of course, and you must do whatever feels right to you.

    All the best,
     
  3. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    oh Wazzer,

    I can so sympathize. It hurts. It will every time it happens even tho it will not be new to you. The pain sticks you in the stomache like a dull knife, it is surely not possible that your mother could forget your dad....imaginable, but it has happened. Your mother did not forget your dad, AD took some of her memories and locked them away. Continue to take your mother with you explain you are visiting the grave of a person so dear to your heart...and ask to leave it at that. I always took flowers and on a few occasions she would inform me that was her husbands grave (could not possibly be my father as I was someone who cared for her as a nursemaid) There were other occasions where it was her husbands and my fathers grave. Learn now to love and mourn the loss of your mother. She is not the woman who raised you but she is the woman who will always be your mother. (If you know what I mean).


    My dad too, was killed while I was in my 20's in '91. He actually was killed Sept. 11, 1991. I could not remember that date for years...at least not until the towers fell in NYC.

    There will be other milestones that will hurt. One in particular I can think of is when mom asked why she had a ring on her finger and could not remember the man or getting married. We left it at that. I took the band off her finger only when it became medically necessary. She had a picture in her room of him and off and on would remember that man. Sometimes her husband, sometimes my father, most times a dear friend who was going to come see her....I chose to leave the little memories and not talk of what they meant to her unless she approached it. It was too painful to have to realize once again she may have forgot, but chose to leave the memories in her room and let her bring them up. Those times brought joy to me as I knew she remembered...something.

    When mom died I put the ring back on until the last moment. I couldn't bear to burry her with that neverending circle of love. I slipped it on my pinky till I got back home. Put it in the box and closed it. At that point I knew that she was truly safe away from AD and had her memories back.

    Wazzer, it will be hard feel free to message me, feel free to cry only you will know what will make it easier for you to care for her, but trust me your father will be proud of you for caring for your mother in such away that he would want.


    HUGS


    Nancy
     
  4. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Wazzer

    I loved my dad to bits, too, though he didn't die till I was in my 50s, so you must have much stronger memories of your dad and how he was. Your mum will not have forgotten him, she has perhaps forgotten that he is dead, or even more likely, where his grave is.

    I personally wouldn't take her to the grave again, unless she asks about it. My mum has never asked to visit the Book of Rememberance since she went into hospital/the home. That is exactly what my dad wanted, he didn't want her visiting, knew it would be a strain for her, ever thinking of her, bless.

    But visit your dad's grave on your own, you will get comfort from that.

    Love

    Margaret
     

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