Hi all. I found this forum because I am really struggling with my mum's situation, and am searching for some clarity. I also think just writing it down might help.
Mum is 86 with mid-late stage Alzheimers. She has had dementia for three years. Until a month ago she lived with my father who is also 86 and has COPD, and a lot of pain from various ailments. Mum suffers from severe time-shifting, lack of co-ordination, can need feeding, is doubly incontinent, and constantly tries to escape and 'go home'. Since mum's diagnosis he has steadily fought the idea of any help except from family, only giving in when he was at the end of his tether. He has called us at all hours of the day and night, and has been quite vile to my sister and her daughter who have been the ones who lived closest and therefore picked up most of the daily caring. I visit once or twice a week and do all the legal stuff and bills etc. He refuses to accept she is 'as bad as we all say she is' and would not even consider respite. He refuses to try to talk to her in the way that is suggested for dementia sufferers and some days would have her in tears as he virtually rubbed her nose is her faecal messes and told everyone who would listen every time she did something difficult. About 8 weeks ago mum was due for a reassessment as we had asked for more care hours (Her PA could not cope and gave in her notice). The social worker arrived just as we were clearing up after mum had soiled the bed after being showered and dad was kicking off. The social worker said mum needed 24 hour care and that clearly dad could not cope. My sister is near a nervous breakdown with mums care and dads terrible attitude. The social worker agreed to reasses after she had been in respite for two weeks.
After the second assessment, SW said mum definitley needed a care home but the respite place could not meet her needs. We found what we thought was a suitable home and tried to talk to dad about it. He flew into a rage and said we had all been plotting to get rid of mum since her diagnosis. This could not be further from the truth, but it still is very triggering. I ended up saying that if this was his attitude he could deal with her by himself and walked out, along with my sister. Not very helpful I know but I had had enough.
In the end he apologised and said he knew it was inevitable and we placed mum in a small EMI only home last week. We have all done nothing but cry since then. Guilt, sadness, and a strong feeling we have done the wrong thing. Mum used to ask to go home when she was at home, sometimes as often as every few minutes starting as soon as she got up, and we thought it was dads attitude that was making her unhappy. However she is doing the same at the home and of course dad thinks she is asking for him. Especially as she calls his name and that of my sister (although when he is there she does not know him) He seizes on every possible thing she says as evidence she should be at home with him. I thought her being in a care home would make things easier, mum would be happier and save my sister's sanity but we are all much worse.
I cannot decide if we are visiting too much - every day. If she will settle given time. Or if we just have to accept her life will seem to be terrible and live with the guilt. Its not that she has bad care. The home has an Outstanding care rating with the CQC and all the staff are lovely. But I cannot think of anything else at the moment. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Mum is 86 with mid-late stage Alzheimers. She has had dementia for three years. Until a month ago she lived with my father who is also 86 and has COPD, and a lot of pain from various ailments. Mum suffers from severe time-shifting, lack of co-ordination, can need feeding, is doubly incontinent, and constantly tries to escape and 'go home'. Since mum's diagnosis he has steadily fought the idea of any help except from family, only giving in when he was at the end of his tether. He has called us at all hours of the day and night, and has been quite vile to my sister and her daughter who have been the ones who lived closest and therefore picked up most of the daily caring. I visit once or twice a week and do all the legal stuff and bills etc. He refuses to accept she is 'as bad as we all say she is' and would not even consider respite. He refuses to try to talk to her in the way that is suggested for dementia sufferers and some days would have her in tears as he virtually rubbed her nose is her faecal messes and told everyone who would listen every time she did something difficult. About 8 weeks ago mum was due for a reassessment as we had asked for more care hours (Her PA could not cope and gave in her notice). The social worker arrived just as we were clearing up after mum had soiled the bed after being showered and dad was kicking off. The social worker said mum needed 24 hour care and that clearly dad could not cope. My sister is near a nervous breakdown with mums care and dads terrible attitude. The social worker agreed to reasses after she had been in respite for two weeks.
After the second assessment, SW said mum definitley needed a care home but the respite place could not meet her needs. We found what we thought was a suitable home and tried to talk to dad about it. He flew into a rage and said we had all been plotting to get rid of mum since her diagnosis. This could not be further from the truth, but it still is very triggering. I ended up saying that if this was his attitude he could deal with her by himself and walked out, along with my sister. Not very helpful I know but I had had enough.
In the end he apologised and said he knew it was inevitable and we placed mum in a small EMI only home last week. We have all done nothing but cry since then. Guilt, sadness, and a strong feeling we have done the wrong thing. Mum used to ask to go home when she was at home, sometimes as often as every few minutes starting as soon as she got up, and we thought it was dads attitude that was making her unhappy. However she is doing the same at the home and of course dad thinks she is asking for him. Especially as she calls his name and that of my sister (although when he is there she does not know him) He seizes on every possible thing she says as evidence she should be at home with him. I thought her being in a care home would make things easier, mum would be happier and save my sister's sanity but we are all much worse.
I cannot decide if we are visiting too much - every day. If she will settle given time. Or if we just have to accept her life will seem to be terrible and live with the guilt. Its not that she has bad care. The home has an Outstanding care rating with the CQC and all the staff are lovely. But I cannot think of anything else at the moment. Any suggestions would be welcome.
