Feeling helpless... :(

[rachy0408]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this site so my first post. My nannan has had Alzheimer's for going on 2 years now and it is the hardest thing ever. I'm only 22 and my nannan has been my best friend since I can remember.

Anyway getting to the point, my nannans friend/partner lives with/cares for her. It's my nannans family home she shared with my grandad who sadly passed away before I was born. I take my hat off to my nannans partner as I know it must be difficult to be a full time Carer but he really gets snappy with my nan and shouts at her, which is making my nans condition worse. He has made comments recently about not being able to cope and having to look at other options but made comments that we can't kick him out. My mum would never kick him out and leave him in the lurch but the stress of this issue is really getting to me. This man has been good enough as a grandad to me but I don't like the way he has started to treat my nan and I believe she deserves better care but I don't know what is best. I love her so much and I cry every day. I think I might be depressed. I just need advice

 

[Beate]

Firstly welcome to TP.

Caring is indeed hard and we all lose our cool now and then. What he needs is a lot of emotional and practical support, from family, social services and organisations like Alzheimer's Society and the local carers centre. If he goes online, you could also show him this site. A good start would be sharing this link with him: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

This alone won't be enough though and he should urgently ask adult social services for a needs assessment and a carers assessment for himself. This could trigger things like day care or sitting service plus respite for him. If he wanted to consider a care home, your nan would have to be financially assessed first. Anything over £23,250 in assets and she'll be considered self-funding and technically not need them but I believe it's always better to consult them anyway.

Im not an expert on the house situation but I believe it's automatically diregarded if it's another person over 60's main residence. But you'll get more knowledgeable people like me answering that part.

Has her partner got LPA for finances and health? If not and she still has capacity, it is very advisable to arrange this for him and/or any other family member your nan chooses. She should also apply for Attendance Allowance which is not means-tested. Charities like Age UK can help fill the form in.

 

[Kevinl]

Hi rachy, welcome to TP
As Beate says you should ask your local authority to do an assessment of her needs and if possible get a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) in place for her health and finance if it's not too late.
I guess from what you say your nannan's partner is living in a house she owns? and as said as if her partner is over 60 then should a care home be the solution then the house and its value wouldn't count, he could continue to live there, it wouldn't have to be sold to pay for her care.
What really bothers me is you saying "he really gets snappy with my nan and shouts at her" and " He has made comments recently about not being able to cope" that sounds pretty bad to me. If you google the name of the Local Authority they live in and "vulnerable adult assessment" then you'll find out how to contact the social services, you don't need a GP to do it anyone can and I would suggest that's what you do so you can get an independent assessment from professionals of the situation.
Regrettably there can be a spiral of decline and the shouting and snappy sometimes just the start, I do think it's time for some help as I agree with you that it does seem to make worsen the condition and the admission he needs help as he "can't cope" about says it all, that to me is a cry for help.
The first step is always the hardest, going on line or calling the Social Services is a big step but better sooner than later and waiting for a crisis.
On a personal note, thank you for 3 things: firstly for caring so much about your nan at your age, secondly finding us on here and posting too, it shows you care and have taken the time to do this and lastly for the (near) perfect use of grammar and punctuation something not generally found on an internet post from a 22 year old.
There will be a lot of issues coming up in the future, we're always here to listen.
K

 

[rachy0408]

Beate, I would like to thank you very much for your response. It felt like a breath of fresh air to have got things off my chest and received such a helpful response. Thank you for taking the time.

We try to help and have offered to contact social services to look at further options but he has always asked us not to, and because up to now, my nan has been really happy with her current living/care arrangements. Now that things have progressed, and my nan seems unhappy I think it's time to take action.

We do not have a LPA as when my nans condition was diagnosed she no longer had capacity and this was a sore subject as he believed it should be him as he lived with her but also my mum believed it should be her as her daughter. Then there was my mums elder estranged brother to add to the mix. But that in itself deserves a separate post.

 

[rachy0408]

Kevin, I would like to thank you very much for your response. It felt like a breath of fresh air to have got things off my chest and received such a helpful response. Thank you for taking the time to not only appreciate my loving and caring nature I have towards my nannan but also my near correct use of grammar and spelling. This to me is "text talk."

Yes, the house is owned by my nannan. I do agree this is the start of a spiral of decline.

We try to help and have offered to contact social services to look at further options but he has always asked us not to, and because up to now, my nan has been really happy with her current living/care arrangements. Now that things have progressed, and my nan seems unhappy I think it's time to take action.

We do not have a LPA as when my nans condition was diagnosed she no longer had capacity and this was a sore subject as he believed it should be him as he lived with her but also my mum believed it should be her as her daughter. Then there was my mums elder estranged brother to add to the mix. But that in itself deserves a separate post.

On a positive note, we have already applied for the attendance allowance for my nannan and she received this. Sadly for her partner, he was refused the carers allowance as he apparently earns too much from his pension???

Thanks once again for your post, it really made me feel better Kevin.

 

[Aisling]

Kevin, I would like to thank you very much for your response. It felt like a breath of fresh air to have got things off my chest and received such a helpful response. Thank you for taking the time to not only appreciate my loving and caring nature I have towards my nannan but also my near correct use of grammar and spelling. This to me is "text talk."

Yes, the house is owned by my nannan. I do agree this is the start of a spiral of decline.

We try to help and have offered to contact social services to look at further options but he has always asked us not to, and because up to now, my nan has been really happy with her current living/care arrangements. Now that things have progressed, and my nan seems unhappy I think it's time to take action.

We do not have a LPA as when my nans condition was diagnosed she no longer had capacity and this was a sore subject as he believed it should be him as he lived with her but also my mum believed it should be her as her daughter. Then there was my mums elder estranged brother to add to the mix. But that in itself deserves a separate post.

On a positive note, we have already applied for the attendance allowance for my nannan and she received this. Sadly for her partner, he was refused the carers allowance as he apparently earns too much from his pension???

Thanks once again for your post, it really made me feel better Kevin.

Please get in touch with Social Services and tell them the full story. I am just wondering about the legal position for your Nan. Other TPs will have more information for you.

Virtual hugs from Ireland.

Aisling